The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have gone from saying way too much, to almost being speechless when I am around my sober husband. He is finally opening his eyes to the wreck our life has become. Long story not as long, he sat me down today and asked about how I was doing financially. Basically, I told him I was working all I could and gave him a couple of reasons why things were not so great. He gave me $500 that came from a returned security deposit from this old apt. (and that I know he needs) to help me out, suggested he move back home to help us out financially (1 household) and then gave some changes he was going to make in his work schedule. He was saying without saying aloud that it would be difficult for him to keep the kids, thus living with them would "fix" that too.
Now keep in mind, this has nothing to do with reconciling our marriage. It is a last ditch fruitless effort to keep us from losing everything we have worked our entire adult life for. And, its too late on many fronts. All I could say was I could not have him in our house while he has a girlfriend, to which he asked if I would respond differently and allow him if he did not. So much I could have said, but just said that he made it clear that living in our house made him miserable. Then he responded with something about that being his inablility to live life on life's terms and that he needed to change that, and tried to take some responsibility for it. He went on about his high expectations for himself to be perfect and always thinking he was disappointing me and the kids, blah, blah, blah, I stopped listening at that point.
When he left last May, he firmly believed he was leaving all that made him miserable behind. Primarily me. Problem is, he took himself with him. He has discovered he can barely take care of himself and is failing his business, and being taken care of again (meals, laundry, bills) would make it easier for him.
I need to get out and save myself but I don't know how. We were supposed to have a 4-way meeting with our attorneys about our divorce this wk, but his attorney cancelled since he was sick and didn't get to meet with my husband. Ridiculous reason, for my husband truly knows nothing about the finances other then they suck, and that is something he just recently has accepted.
He has been truly sober and working a program for 4.5 months now (as far as I know) and he is still crazy. Apparently, he showed our office manager his 1 yr chip, and I think he really believes he's been sober a year, but we all know he didn't work a program and just cut down until he was forced into the diversion program in Nov. He certainly doesn't act like he's been sober a year. The diversion program is only what has kept our business going this long.
I don't know how to get out. I think our house is tied to the new building. Do I just suggest we try to sell (horrific market) or just foreclose on it all? Some possiblities for the purchase of our business and possibly the building, but he would have to be completely out. Not sure he is ready to relinquish control just yet. He asked for my thoughts about everything, but I couldn't tell him. I still want to save him and control him, thus I knew it would be best for me to just shut up.
So much more to the story than this. Seems like it has nothing to do with alcohol and drugs and is all about marriage dysfunction and poor business management, but that is denial talking. Heck, I'd hate to think he/we got here all by ourselves. The substance use makes it a bit easier to swallow and is something to blame it on anyhow.
So wierd in that my husband was once so highly respected and his work ethic was amazing. Now it is almost like he's invisible and sits in silent disregard. NO real explanation for the serious decline in business. Doesn't match the economy in our field. Perhaps word has gotten around, but I still believe that it all has to do with him having a g/f and leaning on her rather than on God and making every attempt to do the right thing. In my life, I am finding that the more I am willing and attempt to do the right thing, regardless if I want to or not, that God blesses me. It has happened over and over again.
I am tempted to write my ah a letter since he opened the communication. All other letters have fallen on blind eyes, but since he is on the verge of losing it all now, he may care more about what I have to say. I think I just may clarify that I only want him in our house as a husband and father; someone who is the leader and protecter; has honesty and integrity; who cares about his marriage and family more than himself; and loves his wife. Since he is none of that, it can't happen. Period.
All I can do it pray and work as much as I can. I really am willing to make any sacrifice to save us, but at this point I doubt any of it is enough.
I feel so sad right now. I haven't cried for days and I think I need a good one.
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
It is so very sad. But within your post there is so much growth and acceptence. You realized right off that his "offer" to "help out" by moving back in was a poorly disquised attempt to wiggle back into the comfort zone. The thing that gets me is that you say "no GF" and he basically says "ok" so that means that the GF is nothing more than someone who gave him so excitement and pleasure and he is willing to give that up to be taken care of completly again. That speaks volumes as to the type of man he has become. Because, if a new GF came along who was willing to take care of him better than you are willing to, well, out the door he goes.He's crazy, he's untrustworthy. My ex after being back in the program for 3 months picked up a year chip because he didn't want to count that relapse. Infact he and I argued about it. That's crazy trying to manipulate sober time.
I love what you said about doing the next right thing even when you don't want to and being blessed for it. I have felt that in my life also.
Have a good cry, and remember we don't know how it all ends. You always have hope. And when you drift off to sleep set up a good, loving fantasy of how your life is going to be, because it is going to be good, really good again. Better that it ever was.....
You are doing so well and keep making so much progress. You know actions vs words and emotions vs logic - I am amazed at how well you are working ODAT with so many intermingled properties & finances to think about. And you inspire me with your share of being blessed when you do the next right thing.
at times I feel like such a ping pong ball and had a time of not being able to stop crying - combo of sleep deprivation (it sure does have a huge impact like Debilyn discovered), work load, and acting out by kids plus the not present even if present AH - just too much of everything. Sending lot of hugs your way. Everything can be so hard somedays but release through tears and always having or re-finding hope sure helps us to bounce back. One moment, one day or the next right thing, sounds good to me. Hang in there Lou. blessings, DDub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Lou, your title made me laugh because I teach youth and most them do not know what a pendulum is. This wonderful word has pretty much stopped being used between our generation and this one coming up- but I digress...
Since I left my AH, he has gotten worse. They honestly require a caretaker. We, on the other hand, do not, it seems. I just cannot even count anymore the number of times I have seen al-anons separate and flourish while their A's wither. My AH was living in a basement on a ground pad and sleeping bag for awhile. Many here have A's who become homeless, live in cars, etc. They just cannot function without a caretaker/nurse just like anyone else with a serious medical disease/condition who needs home health care- *HEY, we should be getting paid as home health care workers*
I really like what your said about God blessing us. I agree with this. It may not feel like any kind of "blessing" at the time but in the end, its there somehow. Your post is full of honesty and that is so hard in a situation like the one you are in. Dump the whole mess into HP's lap. Hugs, J.
Growth, Lou. That's what I can see from here. I'm sorry you are sad right now. I know how that feels. Sounds like you need a break from the stress. Find something nice to do to take your mind off of it all for a bit. That's what I try to do.
Love in recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
You will be alright. You said it all when you said that when you are willing and attempt to do the right thing even when you don't want to that God blesses you.
You deserve for him to be a husband and father that has honesty and integrity. Don't settle for anything less.
God will continue to bless you.
Love,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
Our situation never got as dire as yours; but on the subject of being able to talk to AH as a rational human being this is my esh:
For the first months of his sobriety we communicated, if anything, even LESS than before. I remember complaining to my sponsor, "we NEVer talk", to which she replied, "He can't - he's using every scrap of energy to stay sober right now and work his program", to which I responded with disbelief, "after THREE MONTHS????!!!!!" (Can't actually remember if it was 3 or 6), and she said, yes, really.
I started to "recognize" "my guy" at about 4-6 months sober; he didn't start recognizing himself for another 4-6 months (though he always insisted he "wasn't the same person anymore").
At about a year we started having conversations again. Short, surface conversations, but conversations.
At about 2 years we started doing what I would call "really talking".
He now has just over 4 years, and we often talk really well. We even talk about program. It really helps that we both have our own program - kind of gives us some common ground, and also gives us other places to go (like sponsors) instead of beating on each other (figuratively) when we're NOT communicating.
Sometimes it's really frustrating. Sometimes it's really cool. I believe that every couple works out how to talk to each other, so I guess for me this is a sign that we're getting healthier - both individually and together.
I know for me there were many times I was so desperate I considered taking my A back just to have someone there or for the income. What was most helpful to me was to just take a step back and wait and watch his actions. Inevatibly he always screwed up shortly after the plea to come back home.
When I was reading Jean's response about Alanons flourishing and A's withering up it made me think of a parasite. Once the host is gone, the parasite must find a new host or wither and die. That kind of validates how I have felt about him that he would have a new victim as soon as he gets the opportunity. Come to think of it I haven't ever heard a story about someone in alanon not doing better when they leave the A. I just couldn't make it stories?
Anyway, I think the best thing that helped me was the new found ability to just stand back, do or change nothing and watch and see what happens.
