How do we love those that are hard to love? - Al-Anon Family Group

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

How do we love those that are hard to love?

serendipity · ~*Service Worker*~

I can love them and do nothing for them. I can love them from a distance. Or I can love then but not like them at all.

For me, it is the pain of love lost which stings just a tiny bit for me but when i think about the kids and his immaturity and irresonsibility, I get so mad I feel like my head is going to explode! Injustice. powerlessness.

Tuggboat · Senior Member

The anger is blinding. I use the program a lot, the steps actually are a way of life, a checklist of sort. Injustice is a real trigger for me. I can't see any good in a person that is injust, especially if they are in a postion of authority or power.

One thing that helps me a little is to see if I've ever done something similar. If I haven't, I get sucked right into a dark swirl of self rightousness. I guess that sounds pretty ugly. It feels that way to.

Humility helps but how to get there? Especially in a pinch. I guess sharing the ugliness of self rightousness with someone helps to bring me down to right size but I usually sit on it for a while.

sometimes its easier to see the good in others if I can see the good in myself. Thats real hard for me. My lists of good things are really short compared to my criticism of self.

This is making me think though. I remember once, a long long time ago, I was loved. I seem to recall feeling the same toward a lot of the rest of the world and being very resilient.

perhaps to love , we need to be loved. just guessin', Its a vague memory.

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((Jean)))))),

For me, I have always loved my A. I fell in love with him during college (long before either of us knew he had a problem), but we were with different people. So I remember the man well before his disease developed. Fast foward 25 years when his disease came to fruition, there have been many hurtful moments: infidelity, financial, emotional abandonment, all those things that go along with this dreadful disease. cry

Several things that have helped me:
1) Acceptance that this is a disease.
2) That all those things has nothing to do with his love for me.
3) Detaching w/love. I did ask him to leave a couple of years ago and that had nothing to do with my love for him, but rather what was in the best interest for me.

I think also it depends on the level of involvement with the person. I love my sister dearly but there are issues, so we are better when we spend less time together. At some point I also learned forgiveness. Now none of these things I learned on my own. It was only thanks to this program.

Love and blessings to you and your family.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty aww

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

For me,love is always there.I do not control how I feel at all. I remember wanting to stop loving my AH.But when I learned to let go,got to where I loved him however it was tucked away way inside me.

I don't have expectations of anyone or anything.I take things as they come.

I learned hate is love so frustrated.

Also knowing people have all kinds of pain inside, many of their characteristics were born out of abuse,loss, pain etc. So I just don't judge,nor am I critical.

As a mod, many members are asked to change something,or not use profanity etc. and they flare at me. Have learned to look at the issue, not the person.
I always feel love towards the person.

that organic human,who has a heart.

love,debilyn who says,Remember Darth Vayder??? spell

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

I know that for me, I have come to a good place with my A mom. I cannot live with her. I can stay overnight maybe for a night or two but that is it. I cannot see her every day or talk to her on the phone every day. I talk to her on the phone once a week and see her a couple of times a year. We both enjoy writing letters and do that back and forth which is great (I live far from her at this time), send greeting cards, kind of old-fashioned that way (both of us are).

I love my mom a whole lot and I get to do this in a way that feels so good and right because we have some space and distance and a kind of set schedule. Our expectations are clear and simple. It took year and years for me to get to this kind of place with her. I think we are both serene and contented in our relationship. We both know the other is there and sometimes call just to say hi or would you send me x or something. Rarely does this happen but we both feel like if it does its good, as long as its just once in a while.

My AH is a whole different story but you see we tried to live together, to make a household, etc. I do not know if we can try again or not. I will find out soon. I am scared. When I left, I was a withering mess who could hardly speak or look anyone in the eye. It took me 2 years to come back to life after living with him for 4. I feel much more aware of myself and more prepared but a part of me is thinking: why should I have to live at the edge of my endurance at all times? I do love him, in a way, now more than ever because I do understand more and more each day that he does have a disease (actually he has a whole bunch of 'em- uses alcohol to self-medicate. My compassion has grown tremendously. I have a choice, though. Hugs, J.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha J!!

After a while sitting in the rooms and listening I came to hear what I needed to hear on the subject of "love". I heard another member describe loving her alcoholic and had to chase her down after the meeting to get her definition and believe about what love was. I got it and after mulling it around a couple of days or weeks I came to the understanding that I had to love as HP loved...everyone, including my alcoholic, equally and without condition. Simple to the point and difficult to practice 24.7.365. I had to put me in there also to understand what it felt like to be loved that way. Continue the difficulty but surely not as difficult as it was before.

It takes willingness and humility and acceptance (for sure) and compassion and patience and all those other good things that are difficult but are worth the feelings after I do them.

"...we are not saints."

(((((hugs))))) smile

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

I like the thing I heard about love cannot exist without a measure of justice. I think I have said that before. But I was thinking as I read all these responses that we can create our own justice by looking out for ourselves. We can keep loving our A's and anyone else in our lives who hurt us by acknowledging the reality of who and what they are and protecting ourselves. Once we are protected, we are free to love unconditionally even if it needs to be from a distance, physically and/or emotionally. For me, accepting that reality is the key.

Thank you for this thread. Maybe I understand my own issue better now.

In recovery,

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.