The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sadly I have been in the grip of the obsessive search for "evidence" for about a month (ouch!). And really, why? It was 2 weeks ago that my AH again fell prey to his demons. Supposidly a bottom. yeah. I hate this, and haven't done it for years but it is back with a vengence. Honestly I am trying to get some kind on perspective. I have been going to meetings for about 3 months now, about once a week. But this need to k n o w is so powerful. And yet, who am I fooling, I do know. He is an addict. Punto. How do I stop myself from engaging in the searches?
And use this to help you feel some compassion for the A - look how hard it is for *you* to stop doing something you know does you harm and is destructive, that you really want to quit. I know the struggles I have had in fighting my own compulsions really helped me understand what the A was going through, and let me view his slips more charitably.
Welcome to the MIP family. Exactly what0606 lin said. You also keep attending meetings and learning to use the tools. Detachment is a great one. Remember too: an addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do, sober or not. There is nothing you can do about it. I know how frustrating it is to "want to know". But when I get in those moods, I try to refocus my energy into something esle. Lots of times I will go for a walk. Here's the other thing, I can always tell when AH is up to something, so why bother to look? Keep working your program. You will get stronger day by day. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Remember that this disease wants us very badly -- not only him but you also.
I didn't search for bottles but at times in my life, I was searching for other type of evidence. Sometimes I found it and was devastated. Other times I didn't find it and it was only a false sense of security for that moment.
So working the steps gave me a new perspective (and something much more productive to do). I played a game with myself. I said Maria, just the like A who wants a drink, you have the addiction to search; so just for today, I would ask my HP "please don't let me search." It worked. Then I would put a little sticky up for myself, saying Day 1, the next day, day 2, the next, day 3, for each day I did not search. I then began to feel better about myself and saw that "sometimes what we don't know won't hurt us."
I hope it helps, get busy, get to a meeting, find a sponsor, start working the steps, love in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I used to search too.Not so much as to "bust him",but more to confirm what I already knew. At first I would confront him, but I soon found out it didnt do any good.Hed just start drinking again w a vengence.Then hed find a new hiding place. I never did get to that place where I could just let it go and walk away.
I used to do this. I know now that I did this because I questioned myself. I questioned my sanity sometimes. I knew he was doing it but I'd have to PROVE it in order to take action. One day I caught him with the needle and dope in his hand about to use. That was it, he left and was embarrassed and didn't come back. I got a kick out restraining order and had it served on him at his sister's filed for divorce and still took him back. Prior to that day I ordered drug tests and they would come back positive and he would have some explanation and I'd take it knowing it was BS. I would find needles around the house but they were never his, he didn't know how they got there etc. He would end up in the hospital with opiate OD and have some story about someone putting someting in his soda at school and I'd take that, not believe it but not argue it either.
It all comes down to trusting yourself. What do you plan to do with the evidence? I didn't believe my own feelings, I wanted to believe his crazy stories more than I wanted to believe my feelings and the obvious truth, I needed the evidence to feel sane, to justify kicking him out. Really my gut feeling should have been enough. I didn't have the strength to say I know you're using and you have to leave even though I can't prove it.
This time I have been gone for over 18 months and have no intention of going back. I didn't need evidence, he told me to choose between him and my 11 year old daughter so I did. Within a week I was moving with all 3 kids.
