The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The 2 younger ones and I were at dinner. On the placemat were questions to start discussions. What would you do if you were president, if you had 3 wishes, if you could have a wild animal, etc. The last one was if you could go back in time where would you go and why. My little one said princess times with dragons and castles, then I said the 20ies ( I would sooooo be a flapper and smoke and drink and dance!) and then my middle one says August. And I know exactly what she is talking about. August is when Gracie drown. And she says "So I could change everything and make it all different so it wouldn't happen". Now, I am the mom, the only parent, the only slightly sane adult in thier life. And I say "Wow, I didn't even think of only going back to August. What a great idea!" I really didn't know what else to say. And I felt inadequet(sp?). I could tell she wasn't elaborating or even using names to protect her little sister from the memory. Which is sweet, I think. And so, it was dropped and the subject changed and I did bring up powerlessness at the meeting we went to after.
Then, on the ride home, my little one and her friend are talking about Heaven and God and death. These are two 5 year olds. And they both say that when you die you get to go to heaven and see God. And heaven is fun and great and all that. But they wonder how you get there and the friend says you fly up to heaven and mine says "or you can drive" Then she says "My friend Gracie died and she went up and down and up and down and then she got there with God." and her friend took it all in stride and said " Or maybe she just floated up" and mine said "yeah, probably"
And it shows me yet again that they are children and do not process what happened the same way. They are still so innocent. There is NO blame in their discussion, there is no anger or hate or self pity. None. And I know that the older they get the way they process and remember what happened will change but just for today, they simply miss their friend and wish with all their heart it could be different.
They do not see of feel things the same way I do. Thank God. And so, I am relieved that they are feeling able to talk about it and I will say a prayer that I will be more able to deal with their pain and just listen when they want to talk. I can deal with my own pain but to hear their pain, as their mother, is almost unbearable, knowing I am completly powerless to fix it. I do wonder if this is the feeling that parents of A's feel. I am using this program to remember this is their pain to feel and work thru and I can't fix it (would if I could).
Someone said to me after the meeting that shi* happens and this is beyond shi* but it happens and we all need to learn how to deal and the best I can do is be there to listen. That we all want to protect our kids from pain wether it is them not getting invited to a party or someone making fun of them, we want to protect them. And I thought, maybe the fact that my kids have lived thru the worst thing that can happen in one's life, maybe they will understand that not getting invited to the party or the popular girl not liking them is not really the end of the world. Because they have seen the end of the world and survived and maybe they will be slightly insulated from the "tradgedies"?
I think there is a lot of truth in that - my daughter has said to me that growing up as she did, and then losing her dad, has made her able to stand aside from the dramas that her friends are going through and think "Oh, c'mon, just suck it up!" She's very level headed for her age.
