The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just when I finished my last post here, my AH calls me on my work line.
First thing out of his mouth is "I've been trying to call you on your cell but you're not answering!" Sometimes my phone just gets into a dead spot and it won't ring. Sometimes I just don't hear it ringing where I keep it... whatever. It's not like it's this horrible thing for him to have to call my work line instead.
Anyhow. After that "greeting", AH starts asking me about the beginners book I have with my guitar (which I haven't played in eons). Asks if the book came with a CD, I tell him "no" and then he proceeds to tell me he's going to go to the music store and try to find a beginners book with a CD... yadda yadda yadda.
The only thing going on in my head is, "Okay. He wants to use my guitar, obviously. Why isn't he ASKING me, first, if he can use it?"
So, out blurts the same question in my head "Why aren't you asking me first if you can use it?"
"Well because you already told me before I could use it if I wanted!" (D'oh - I forgot I'd told him that until he reminds me of it.) and then "You're not using it anyway!"
I'm feeling icky feelings by now. Icky that I said what I did. Icky in how he's starting to take offense. Just. Icky.
I just told him "I'm sorry. I forgot I told you that. Don't start getting all mad." and then I just tried to tell him as gently as possilee "Just please be careful with it. It's an expensive instrument."
I just feel compelled to tell him that knowing how careless he is with other things I feel are important to me (ehem... remember the bath towel...?)
Of course he gets annoyed that I told him that.
This whole conversation I had with him was a lose/lose conversation.
Just left me feeling icky. I know he's all irritated, too - there was no disguising it.
*sigh*
Maybe this is where I should do what I was talking about in the other post. Forgive myself. So I said some things that told my AH in a roundabout way that I don't have any confidence in his ability to know how to be careful with an expensive instrument.
I know I get irritated if I'm on the receiving end of that kind of talk, too.
It wasn't meant to be mean. It was just me expressing fears to him.
Hi aloha, I see you expressing fear to him. This is really our problem, not theirs. Its us worrying about a future we have no control over. its us re-acting (assuming the worst- that they are going to break something or trash something).
I do this all the time. instead of leaving it in the hands of HP where it belongs.
I need to work very very hard to completely clean up my words and make them good. I now speak in brief concise sentences. I try very hard to keep my stuff to me. My anxiety is not their problem, its MINE and I need to deal with it, not them. If they mess up, cross that bridge if and when you come to it. Because it sounds like a mom/nag to let that stuff escape.
So, do not let it out until you can just let it out to HP. Keep your side of the street clean. Likewise if he is nagging/moming you, he needs to practice a little discipline and keep it to himself. I know when my AH does this, it really triggers me and makes me feel like an incompetent idiot which I know I am not. Then I start to re-act and he does too and its all blown out of proportion.
its our disease- we come by it honestly. I think its really important that our AH's NOT be our HP's for everyones well-being. I know I was raised to place my partner/hubby at the center of my universe and this is a big no-no. HP belongs there and everything goes so much better when he is there. Plus, that is a lot of pressure to place on our AH's, people famous for not really doing a great job being under pressure!
Its really hard for me. Like with the towels, I reached a point where I just kept my own towels in a separate spot and let him do whatever he wanted with the rest. I have a thing about white towels and sheets, etc. I learned to become flexible with the sheets but not with the towels. The white ones are MINE!! LOL!
My AH would complain about not answering my phone, too. That whiney thing I greatly dislike...like a child wanting candy in the grocery store: "why don't you answer your phone?" or the flip side which is being furious and calling over and over 10-20/30 times until I do answer- all just to prove a point and to yell at me to answer my phone- talk about controlling...
I think when we try to control the outcome, it can backfire, too. We do not want to "trigger" them so we act polite when we are seething in anger- LOL!! as if they cannot tell. So much to work on, us. Hugs, J.
What does the guitar represent to you.? This is interesting. Security, fun, fame, peace, family times, gestalt, emergency income, investment. I doubt if its just a guitar. Its, Just wood and strings without something behind it.
To me a guitar represents family times, I only practice so maybe I can record a piece with my brother someday or play a tune on stage with him in church. To him a guitar is a means of emergency income when the wife does the credit card thing or when the horses or kids get sick. I think it is also a symbol of his redemption from rock and roll shame and into a Godly family type man. How do I really know though? He's losing the strong attachments and selling guitars to have stuff for the kids. They are becoming more important.
This is what I would be looking at. I would not jump to the conclusion that I am selfish over an inantimate piece of wood or that I am just full of vague fears. Thats not a good place to be either.
I look for the exact fears in the fourth and fifth step so that I can better turn them over to God and ask for their removal in the seventh step. The icky fealing is the beginning of the willingness to have this removed (step 6).I doubt if you are there yet though. How about the third step. Can you just give the icky feeling over to God until you move further into the program?
And the guitar to your husband. Perhaps he will grow long hair, become a rock star and soar out of your life and send you millions from thousands of miles away :) lol
