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I came on here to post about the topic of forgiveness and lo and behold I see Glad's post "to forgive the unrepentent" .
Forgiveness was the topic of my ftf meeting last nite.
We read pages 86 and 87 in "How Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics". Anybody who wants to learn something about forgiving and has access to this book, please read those two pages!
I was blown away. I have read it before, but last night it just nailed me to the wall.
It really got me to thinking about forgiving and what it is about. The one thing I really got finally is that it is absolutely NOT about the other person at all. It is truly only for me that I need to forgive.
But what am I forgiving?
A phrase popped into my head during the meeting, or more properly a question I asked.... Is there No Justifiable Judgement? What I finally felt inside that those two pages were trying to tell me is that no matter what someone does to me or anybody else, it is NOT MY place to judge them, period.
Now hold on David!!! No justifiable judgment! Are you kidding me??? What about someone like say.....Josef Mengele? How many innocent people did he kill?
No, not even him. Now there is a difference between the person we think we "need" to forgive and their actions. I get that. Absolutely we don't have to accept, condone or any way promote someone elses unacceptable behavior. If someone punches me in the face for no apparent reason...I don't have to stand idly by and let him or her do it again.
I can take action to prevent the punch, but I don't have forgive anything of them, because it is not my job to judge anyone's actions in the first place. I personally understand that in my belief of a Higher Power, only He has the power to judge anyone. And even though He could He doesn't does he? He has already forgiven us for our sins even before they happen. So who am I to judge?
Who am I to think that I am so powerful that I can "forgive" someone for their so-called wrongs?
My forgiveness of someone else is nothing to them.
It is everything to me.
When I can expunge from me the need to somehow forgive someone else's actions, then I can stop waiting, I can stop replaying the hurt, the scene that played out that I think I need to forgive!
Forget. Nope, not necessary and in many cases not prudent to forget things. But absolutely I have a way to take away their power over me.
And that way is by forgiving. Forgiving is not done with words. It is done by working through the issue..using the steps is a great way. It may not come quick or easy, but listening to those who are able to do it, it is absolute freedom from the role of victim that our not forgiving keeps us mired in. It takes away the power over us that we give to someone else and puts it back where it belongs....with us!
Don't know if this made sense or not, it is hard to put the feelings I got last night into words....but let me just suggest again...read those pages in "How Al-Anon works". While your at it read some more pages in there too!!!
Of all our literature, that book is my favorite...so full of inspired words.
I'm working on the forgiveness thing, too, and it helped to put a different slant on things for me when you said "The one thing I really got finally is that it is absolutely NOT about the other person at all. It is truly only for me that I need to forgive."
You're absolutely right.
Forgiveness, for me, isn't excusing another person from whatever it is they have done, but it's allowing MYSELF to let go and move on. And you're right. It's nothing to the other person. Especially if they're in that place where they don't feel they've caused any harm - or don't even have a clue that something they may have done has hurt me.
Again, forgiving someone else FOR that someone else is just like stepping right back into their mire and screwing around with what should be THEIR recovery. If they need forgiveness for what they've done, they need to want it in the first place, and then work on forgiving themselves, too, and if they want forgiveness from someone else, they must ask for it.
As I work on forgiving my AH for the things he's done, it's not for his benefit at all. It's all for ME. He may benefit from it in a side-effect sort of way in that I may behave differently around him - less angry and that sort of thing. But my forgiving him is initially all for my benefit. If he wants my forgiveness later on, then he'll need to ask it of me... and if I'd already forgiven him for my own benefit, it'll be easy to forgive him if he ever asks for it.
I keep coming back to that whole "forgive but don't forget" thing, though.
I still ask myself how I can fully forgive a thing if I refuse to forget it... I really have no answers for myself for that. Something I feel I need to confide in my HP.
I do try to think of other slogans I've heard in the past before, though... you know, like "it's all water under the bridge".
And one thing I try to remind myself of is I have the rest of eternity to move FORWARD with my life. Remembering past wrongs doesn't allow me to move forward if I get stuck in a realm of regrets, hurt and misery if remembering a past wrong brings those feelings out of me.
Somehow I feel for my recovery I need to disconnect a sad memory from feelings. Hard to do. I'm not some indifferent machine.
But my point is, not forgetting something leaves the door open to going back through a lot of pain again and has the potential to drag out the need to forgive all over again.
I have sat all day pondering Glad's post and finally answered it about half an hour ago (after numerously rereading, re scripting and then finally settling to sending my response). I do so wish I had seen your post first I was finding it so hard to explain why I thought that the act of forgiveness was a one person activity. I, being the one doing the forgiving, complete the task and it is no way dependent on any action on the part of the one who is being forgiven.
I also apologized if I offended anyone, because I did not want to hurt anyone's feelings but I agree with you. It is all about me, when I choose to forgive, it is not a two sided coin where I have a right for something in return. It is simply all about ME, and is for my benefit. I am not judge or jury I am just me forgiving someone for something that has hurt, affected or changed my life.
Since reading your post I have also read the al-anon pages too and together with your post I am so relieved.
Thank you David for this. I can only hope that no one was offended by my response to Glad.
-- Edited by Heartbroken at 18:01, 2008-03-14
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
Here is the part that gets me: " Each of us is worthy of love, and each of us is doubly blessed when we are able to dig down past our grievances and resentments, no matter how justified we may feel in harboring them and find within ourselves the recognition that part of the other person that is and always will be LOVEABLE."
The next sentence is the clincher:
"How better could we learn that we ourselves are eternally and irrevocably lovable than by recognizing that same quality in everyone around us?"
More:
"...a part in every human being that is untouched by the disease, the part of each of us that deserves unconditional love and respect regardless of the circumstances."
Great post David and HB and Aloha, this writing indicates it all begins with ourselves and traces back to US: how much we love and forgive ourselves, how much we express unconditional love towards ourselves, etc. It is an inside job, it does begin with KEEPING THE FOCUS and practice on ourselves. Hugs, J.
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