The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel like I should apologize at the beginning of my posts now because so much of it feels like I am "dumping" on you all. Yet, I need to be able to tell you all the truth of what is going on in my life. So with that in mind, The A did get 50 days in lock down. Some guy in jail called to tell me this with the message that he needed to see his mom ASAP and hoped I would come with her. I then spoke to his brother yesterday who went to see him and reported no news except that he did not want anyone to come visit on Sunday because it begins the new week- they only get 2 visits a wk- and would be too close to his last visits. This sounded weird to me and to all I repeated it to. Sounds like to me the girl is coming to visit- maybe he added her as a stepsister or half sister. I know I should not care about this- yet it bothered me. I thought about it all day yesterday. I prayed to let it go, but found my mind carried it anyway. I am supposed to go with his mom to see him this evening, but part of me wants to not do this. Yet, part of me wants to see him- the last visit was so nice. Part of me is afraid if I don't go he will replace me. Part of me is disgusted by this fear...
LOL ahhh the eternal inner struggle between good an evil? LOL Reminds me of the cartoons with the angel and the devil on each shoulder whispering in your ear. I would care too if I thought some other girl was coming to visit and you are bringing his mom. You know what you want out of him and it almost seems like he is dangling it out there like bait to keep you on the hook. If you think he may give it you'll keep doing what he wants you to do maybe? It's ok to care about it, look at it, analyze it, what does it mean if she visits? He loves her and not you? He wants his cake and eat it too? Are you going to let that happen?
I remember my huge fear for so long was that I would leave and my A would be with someone else. My good friend pointed out...and what will she be getting? Good point, not much! I also remember being afraid that he would get better and I would miss out. I have always had that feeling like I was afraid to miss something great. The only thing great I missed was years of my kids growing up! NOW THAT is great! He's still doing whatever he's doing, about to go to jail again, probably using and getting drunk, probably sleeping with women for a place to stay, or to feel like he's not a complete bum or for a cigarette, who knows? So basically those fears were for nothing, not only has he not "gotten better" he has gotten MUCH worse. At least I saw the light before I missed any more of my kids! He will miss everything and for what?
We were doing a share on relationship changes at my Al-anon meeting last night. I wish I could remember from which book we were reading - it had some sort of rainbowy cover design on it.
Anyhow, the whole discussion was basically "to leave or not to leave".
Obviously no one is going to recommend you go one way or another, but one member shared something her daughter had told her.
Her daughter had been friends with one girl for a good three years or so and then that day, she came home from school and told her mom "I broke up with my friend".
Mom was sad but chose not to go into the details with her daughter, but her daughter then told her "But I'm okay, mom, because when one door closes twelve more open."
I thought that was beautiful. And I try to keep that in mind in my head should I ever find myself at that threshold where my AH is concerned. If it ever comes down to our going separate ways, I can ease my grief by reminding myself that perhaps I had to close that door so I could open myself to several more good relationships - be they friends or more intimate.
Oooh - it spooks me thinking that far ahead, though.
I don't like ending things. I think a part of me gets ticked off ending things with certain people because I've just invested so much of my time, heart, emotions, etc. in relationships. I'll sometimes put myself through absolute hell to try to maintain them all because I don't want to feel like all that time I spent with the relationship was for naught.
I lived, ate and slept second guessing. Over reacting was definitely my mode of operation for so so long. I 'm sorry to say over reacting ended up making me incredilby ill. In the last few months I have experienced tremendous fatigue, so much so that I almost had to go on disabillity I simply couldn't put one foot in front of another.
None of us here is going to tell you not to feel. Nevertheless there are tremendous benefits to detaching. He's in jail, so he isn't about to run off with whoever he is having visit. Of course we do want to try to control them because its a natural response when people are out of control. For me personally the controlling can get out of hand. I have to remember I have my own life apart from the A. For me unfortunately life apart from the A came with a rude awakening that I was codependent to the point of serious disability.
There are lots of things you can do to try to control the obsessing, one is to only allow yourself to do it for limited periods of time, another is to start working the steps. There are tons and tons of great manuals on how to do it. There are also people around who can recount how they managed to work the steps.
For me the adage of getting busy with the program really helped. I know it is very very very hard to live with this stuff but there are lots of tools for managing and one of them is to look at how other people have transformed themselves.
When unsure of what to do, I find looking honestly at what I expect from it, and how I will really feel afterwards, is helpful.
So, when deciding if you should go and see him, ask yourself things like "If he doesn't act the way I want him to, will I feel bad? "Do I feel stronger, more peaceful, more serene, happier, after I see him? " "When I honestly look at my reasons for going, do I like the person I see?" "Am I going as my authentic self, or as a way to manipulate him/the situation?"
If you decide not to go, there are ways to cushion that second guessing. Going to meetings, reading program literature. Going to the gym, or for a walk, or finding some other healthy way to let off energy. Treating yourself in some way that you know DOES make you feel good - this is the time for bubble bath, candelight, trashy magazines and ice cream.
If you decide to go, let yourself stay in the moment. Enjoy the contact, and don't worry about what it *means*. If it pleases you to see him, allow yourself to feel that pleasure. There is nothing wrong with loving the person you love. The wrong part is allowing that love to interfere with taking loving care of yourself.
