The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I filed for divorce a month ago after months of agonizing and therapy, and years of making excuses. It was the hardest thing that I have ever done. I hate the fact that it has been difficult on my daughter. Yes, I have to carefully watch every penny. Yes, I have to lean on others. My XH is not happy with the decision. To this day, he does not understand why I had enough. I doubt he will ever understand. I have accepted that and I give up trying to explain. All of you here understand. Despite all of these challenges, my life is becoming predictable again. I am finding serenity. I have found the courage to change the things that I can. I could not give even one more day of my life feeding his disease. The need to control is still strong. It's hard to see him during visitation and not try to tell him what to do or how to do things. There are times it seems easier to say nevermind about the divorce and go back to being the martyr. But, life is too short. I can exhale. Being by myself is okay. Not trying to control things out of my realm is challenging but it is long overdue. I am not God. I didn't cause it and I certainly can't cure it. I mourn for the life that we were supposed to have. 15 years together and we never really had it - bits and pieces but never the whole thing. Somehow that makes the grief easier to accept the fact that thinking we had this perfect love was an illusion. After surviving this year - the drug addiction, the monthly withdrawls, new baby with a checked out husband, 6 year old adopting my behaviors, his suicide threats, panic attacks, depression, hopelessness, pressure to commit, stalking, emotional abuse, and the painful realization that things were not going to change.......the divorce seems like nothing. Yes, I will be on my own, but haven't most of us been already? There's something reassuring about knowing it is up to you. No more disappointment about promises broken. Realizing that 2 years from now, the sky's the limit versus 2 years of more of the same. I still love him, but I love me too and I just couldn't do it anymore. That's my story.
wow , your story could be mine! Everything,even bieng together 15 yrs !! Except my ex is an Alcoholic.And my kids are older.Scary how we all have sooo much in common,scary indeed. I also filed a month ago.Im finding that Im going through grief right now.Im not angry or bitter.I hope he finds his happy place , and it isnt inside the bottle. Hopefully yours and mine will wake up one day and realize these little people that look so much like them , really would like these men in thier lives.And hopefully , it wont be too late. Strength to you
You are right, most of us are on are own already - interesting how the divorce was nothing compared to all the other stuff we live through. I love what you have written here:
There's something reassuring about knowing it is up to you. No more disappointment about promises broken. Realizing that 2 years from now, the sky's the limit versus 2 years of more of the same. I still love him, but I love me too and I just couldn't do it anymore. That's my story.
the sky's the limit, imagine that - sounds very nice. One day at a time and look how far you have come, Wow!! Thanks for sharing as it gives me hope to keep at it ODAT. hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Hmm.... me thinks that you ought to change your name my friend. You are no longer not optimistic! Well done! I am so proud of you. Continued success on your recovery. You are an inspiration. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Glad you're back! I wondered what had become of you. Sounds like you're moving along nicely! I know exactly what you mean about choosing the unknown or choosing more of the same...
