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So I evicted my AH and filed for a divorce.He was full blown,lost his job,laying around drinking all day.Got so drunk he peed on himself while laying on the couch (yuk !!).So he cashes in his stocks and goes to Fl to help his dying Brother. He recieved the divorce papers,and he said he wont fight me on any of it b/c he knew he treated me badly.So now he has the nerve to ask me if he can borrow some money !!!! I reminded him tht I have the children to support.And without him working I wont get any child support.I cant believe he asked me for money !!! And Im having a self doubt day . Im sick (been in bed all day ) and I feel like Im missing him.I have no idea why.I keep reminding myself of all the junk he put us thru. Its not like he wouldve been sober to take care of me or the children if he were here.Am I just having a weak moment ? Boy I sure hope this doesnt last. Im just feeling real unsure of all the decisions Ive made ,tht I was soo sure about.
You are so smart to remind yourself you probably would have been taking care of him and the children sick or not if he were home. I know that feeling where you miss them so much. I think I missed the "hope" of what I thought it could be like the most. Mind you I missed him enough to jump through all kinds of hoops to get him back, cried my eyes out when he left and I do love him and hope he recovers BUT... I was thinking this morning, if I do work my program and then I make up my mind it will be best for me to be without him it's gonna be heck telling a sick person, who loves me that I don't want to be with him anymore even though (love/ romance wise) he has worked his butt off to please me, works long hours, and is kind. I thought of this as I looked at the empty beer cans in the trash this morning.
Why do we settle for less then what we deserve? I have learned that his good stuff is just as much a part of his disease as his bad stuff. As Glad said we keep hoping for that good stuff that comes so rarely. In Getting Them Sober it says that it is hard to get rid of an alcoholic. When I miss my AHSober I look for guidance from my HP. What is the plan for me? Good for you for taking a stand.
What I learned when I reached the point that you are at was that I too loved the alcoholic and Hated the disease. That helped me to understand there was a difference between my wife and my alcoholic. BIG DIFFERENCE...
It certainly doesn't sound like you are having a weak moment... it sounds like you are going through some very appropriate grieving! Take care of YOU!!
Hey Midge, I agree with ESH that this sounds like grieving to me and its completely natural and to be expected. As I have said before on this site, A's are larger than life personalities. They are NO shrinking violets who stay in the corner. When someone who has been sucking all the oxygen out of the room for years suddenly is gone, its like a huge crater in your life. Its really really really hard!!! I know it was for me. I was just so used to all that energy, trauma, drama, etc. All that going here there and everywhere- the merry-go-round, the roller coaster, whatever you want to call it. It really takes some adjustment to snap out of that.
Be gentle with yourself. Its Ok to think about wanting him. It doesnt mean you need to re-install him on your sofa, these are just thoughts and I think its part of the grieving process which can take years, btw. Let them come and go, it does not mean you need to ACT, just process it, pay attention and feel your feelings. Name them and feel them and let them go.
Nancy has a great idea about turning to your HP in these moments. Jettison off those thoughts to him. Its so painful what you have been through. Honor yourself and allow yourself to grieve- not just his absence but the lost time, lost hopes and dreams that are the hallmark of the beginning of all marriages; we do not get married thinking we are going to end up in situations like this!!! Its devastating. Take care and hugs, J.
I went through this too when I moved out. I like what Jean said about not needing to reinstall him on the sofa LOL. That was the key for me was to feel those feelings but not act on them. That was where I messed up all the times before. Believing words, acting on words rather than actions. He never changed any of the times I left and came back, I was just too scared to be alone. Now I'm fine alone. I like my life most days. I remember missing the chaos, thinking my life was so dull and boring, wishing someone would take care of me, rescue me, etc. I think for me remembering the crap that he had put me through really helped. I can't believe he asked you for money either! I remember my A demanding money and I'd say it's for the kids and leave it at that.
I can relate to this very much. The A continued to ask me for money when we separated. I missed him tremendously. Keep coming here and posting your grief. Eventually it does get better. I still grieve tremendously.
There is tremendous growth in being able to process those feelings.
Thanks to all for the encouragement . I was still kind of missing him ,just a little today.Then I went outside w the kids and started cleaning up the backyard, you know limbs and twigs and stuff.And I started getting angry/frustrated b/c these were things he was supposed to be doing instead of bieng drunk all the time.(Its going to take me a long time to get my house in order.) So here I am , again cleaning up the mess.I dont want to be a bitter person, Im not even mad at him. I feel sorry for him. I know hes sick.My HP must have a divine plan for me,for all of us, or we wouldnt be as strong as we are.I know even in my weakest moment ,Im still the one everyone relys on.Somedays that is hard to accomplish. I have to learn to let myself just relax.I think that is going to be my biggest challenge
Midget - What I used to call "weak moments" was indeed "grieving" - at least according to my therapist. I had no idea. I thought those weak moments were HP's way of telling me that we "belonged" together. No - it was actually just grieving the loss of someone I cared about.
I'm SO not the one to be giving ESH on this topic - as I'm still battling my own weak moments, grieving, and on and on...... But at least I learned that the grieving is completely normal and I needed to quit fighting it and covering it up. Just feel it. Experience it. Let it be what it is. It's serving a purpose (believe it or not!).
Hang in there, R3
ps- I also love Jean's line about "not re-installing him on the sofa". HA!
. Im sick (been in bed all day ) and I feel like Im missing him.I have no idea why.I keep reminding myself of all the junk he put us thru. Its not like he wouldve been sober to take care of me or the children if he were here.Am I just having a weak moment ? Boy I sure hope this doesnt last. Im just feeling real unsure of all the decisions Ive made ,tht I was soo sure about.
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