The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This morning I wrote about being angry and had every intention of having a successful day of even temperament. It is twelve hours later. My heart is breaking in half and I don't know if I am angry or just what I am feeling.
Grandbaby and son here this afternoon. Marigolds planted. Lots of love and hugs and reading and music and dinner. EXDIL called to say she would be home in 15 minutes and I could drop baby off. I said fine...he is just out of the bathtub and we are reading. Told her about the marigolds and how quickly he caught onto the process, etc.
Took him home. A car is in the driveway. Baby asks "who is dat"....I said I don't know, sweetie. No one came out for him and he went running into the house with me following. His mother met me all decked out from having been out to dinner (which I knew). Baby runs into the other room and a man's voice says: HI BUDDY!!!! I was just really upset. Why? Because there is no good reason why I had to be exposed to that. I would much prefer to be ignorant of the men she is bringing home. She KNEW I was bringing the baby home, so why didn't she just come on over here just around the block and pick him up if she was entertaining a guest. Am I wrong? I think she did it just to shove it in my face and say I CAN DO AS I PLEASE. Well of course she can. It isn't my business, but doesn't anyone think that some respect might be shown for me who is going out of her way to keep this whole thing civil and wholesome for the child.
There are many single moms on this site. Please tell me if I am being stupid and unreasonable. It just hurts me physically what I just went through. I said nothing to her, of course, but she had to have seen my face and my shock. Now my day has not been the way I was planning. My mother is terribly ill and in the hospital, so have had a hard time today anyway. Lots of family calling confirming what I already know....she probably doesn't have much time left. Tomorrow I go alone for the first time for cancer checkup....a half day event 40 miles away. My husband too sick to accompany me. I didn't need this blow to my emotions tonight. It is just too much for me to handle. Thanks for allowing me to talk about my feelings... I needed to.
Wow - do you think perhaps the stress of your mom's illness is being directed to an easier target?
There was a slogan that was shared here the other day that I really liked. It was "What you think of me is none of my business." And perhaps that can be applied to your exDIL. Who knows what's going on in her mind? There's no telling if she's doing what she's doing to be spiteful, or if she honestly doesn't know if the situation you found yourself in today upsets you, or maybe she just doesn't have any common sense at all or it's a combination of all of those or none of them at all.
I get into big trouble when I try to read other people's minds and motives. It just makes me miserable in the long run. I have to release that.
I hope you can spend some quality time with your mom. I think you both could use each other's own individual strengths.
In the meanwhile, keep communicating with your HP.
We all do feel things as we perceive them and I don't want you to be in pain! but I don't really think you went through anything here? maybe being taken advantage of for your help with grandson? But why would she care what you think of her personal life? You are a person who cares deeply. Face to Face meetings will help you if you really work the program. I know because I've had similar pain (unnecessary pain and alanon helped me see that). I would suggest you talk to your counselor. Why do you care what she does?
Possibly your trying to feel your sons pain because you love him so much and you haven't said but maybe he is fine with break-up?
Even if he does have problems with this he may need to deal with it on his own to ever be able to grow into the man you must want him to have the chance to be.
You may want to ask your counselor what are the best things you can do to make sure your grandson grows up into a happy, independent thinking, productive man wtih respect for his father and mother(for his emotional health). Sounds like you will be the key link to all this happening. Is there a way you can be "key" without actually doing all the physical effort? Talk to counselor to learn more about you and turn this over to HP.
Please go to meetings, talk to your counselor, take care of your health.
I guess you can call it reality. She seems immature to say the least. In this program they tell us to not have expectations because if they are not met then we go into resentment. Can your HP walk this path with you? Hope your check-up goes well.
You're still hopeful and that's good! Forget the realism. Sometimes it's just nice to be hopeful and let my imagination run with it. When realism hits the best I can do is not take it personally. I took way too much personally and everything...just everything didn't come out my way and hurt like hell.
We can only work this one day and one step at a time. Go give some hugs and don't forget to get some yourself. You're loved (((((hugs)))))
I so relate to your situation. Ours are so much alike. When I had those feelings for my ex dil I think it was feeling the pain I thought my son was feeling as Glad had written. It was also expectations that there would be a reconcilliation. When I finally realized that I wanted them together more than they wanted to be together I was able to let go. It is still hard when my granddaughters talk about their interactions with their stepdad when I wanted so much for my son to be in that place. Everyone seems happy now and pretty well adjusted. My son has had another woman in his life for quite a while who he seems to care a great deal about. The granddaughters like her alot and she is very good with them.
I would say that maybe you should tell ex dil that you expect her to pick grandson up from your house when she returns from her date. I believe you should not have to be exposed to that until YOU are ready. I know you don't want to make waves with her but you also need to take care of yourself.
It seems to me that she needs you more than you need her.
This is a really tough question. I don't see my MIL at all because she is on the other side of the country but we talk regularly on the phone and I see her more as a friend than a MIL. I talk to her about everything and now in thinking about this, maybe there are things she would prefer not to hear but on the other hand I don't need anything from her like childcare etc so there is no reason for her not to just tell me if something I tell her bothers her. I haven't had a man in my house in over a year, partially because I don't want to expose my kids to strange guys, partially because I am so busy working 2 jobs I don't have time for anything else, partially because I don't have anyone for my kids to stay with and partially because I have no prospects and/or takers around here! LOL
I agree with lots of things that the others said, particularly about feeling your son's pain for him and what do you care who or what she does at this point as they have been divorced for... I am thinking 2 years? Is it the hope that they will get back together? What is at the root of this pain you are feeling? I am wondering if she is seeing you more as a friend now since you are no longer related but still have a connection and perhaps this is why she is being lax about her personal relationships around you?
I think if something is bothering you that you should speak up and say something to her, otherwise how is she to know that something is bothering you? Some of us are just obtuse and need to be told, the expression on the face doesn't always give it away, especially if we think everything is ok and we aren't looking for it. I don't think there's anything wrong with you saying hey... you know it hurts my feelings when I see you with your new "whatever word you want to use"... I would really appreciate it if from now on if there is a guy at your house if you could just come pick baby up, at least until I get more used to this new situation.
In the end you are inevitably going to have to accept the fact that she is going to move on and there will be guys or a guy around. My concern at this point would be more that she chooses well because I seriously doubt she's going to run off and become a nun and whoever she picks will be a huge influence on baby.
Your DIL may be in a place where she didn't even consider your feelings. I know when there have been times I have decided to just move on and people didn't understand, they were hurt. It's been two yrs since the divorce right? Perhaps it is just normal for her to continue her life and she accepts that there will be men in it. It could be natural for her and she may assume that everyone else would expect her to move on too, and having a guy there would be a "normal" thing for her to do after 2 yrs.. Should she forever be expected to hide them? The marriage is over. She can't control anyone elses thoughts or feelings about it. I may be completely wrong but thought I'd give you another perspective.
I'm sorry one small moment ruined your whole day. All the fun, marigolds, music and laughter went down the toilet. Which one do you choose to bring forward and hold on to?
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Well, thanks for the insights. None are right on target. I am not feeling my son's pain at all. I have absolutely no desire for them to reconcile at this point. My pain is for this exposure to men with the grandchild. Even my counselor agrees that professional studies support the premise that children need to be protected from new relationships like this until perhaps that relationship is truly serious. Children don't need multiple instances of new "parent figures" in their lives.....notice "multiple".
My thoughts aren't really very nice here. She had another guy living at the house just one month ago exactly. That evidently ended. Now someone else and yes, he stayed the night. There was absolutely NO way I could have avoided seeing the car in the drive when I had to leave at 5:30 AM for my health care appointments this morning....unless I was capable of driving with a blindfold!!! So within one month there have been at least two. OK...most of you say this is not my business (I said that myself) and that why do I care what she does? I care that she has men staying overnight, not that she is dating. I think my generation is showing here;... why not go to HIS place or why not to a hotel....or why not plan it when the child won't be coming home to be thrown into bed immediately and then he wakes up to this guy. My moral code must be a whole lot different than current societal trends.
Anyway it is over and done with. The only loser in this little scenario is the baby...eventually anyway.
It is always so hard when children are involved. My first suggestion was to say, next time have her pick up your son. Then I thought maybe she was with him the "newest" guy and didn't want your son to potentially see him. Although, based on your shares, that may be giving her a bit too much credit.
I think writing out a few boundaries that you can set in your relationship with your ex dil may help. I'm not suggesting that you even share them with her, but have them for you. Like, when you watch your grandson, she picks him up or you meet on a corner in between the two homes, whatever would make it easier for YOU. Another might be, when she has a last minute request, you tell her that you will get back to her, instead of just immediately saying yes, and then really thinking is this something you want to do, is it okay by you? If in the end it is, the answer is yes, so be it, but the answer can be no, too. You don't have to be johnny on the spot for her. Consider yourself first.
Just a suggestion. Either way, I am sorry it pained you. You are obviously a very caring grandmother!
I'm not going to tell you how you "should" feel. For me after years and years of over reacting to everything or under reacting I'm having to learn a happy medium. Sure I have my over-reactions but I monitor what's up. If I am constantly over reacting I have to look at how I am managing. I know 7 years of being in constant rage and frustration about did me in.
So personally I really do watch how I am re-acting to anyone. I work on it. I work on detaching, stand on my head if I have to. I can come up with all the "shoulds" in the world but in the end if I am in over reaction day and night my health starts to go.
Now certainly my life is far far from perfect, I encounte many many difficult things. The onus for me is there something I can do about this? If I can't and I did tend to be over responsible for everyone else and under responsible for me, I work on letting go. I do better with this. I have to, my health was going down the whirl pool.
So that is my ESH, no should's in there, no do this and only do this but I had to personally stop over -reacting and remember its me who decides when I over react I didnt give it to anyone else to say "when" - because it was plain and simple "killing" me to be in toxic stuff day and night.
Do I have bad days, sure, but not every single day is a "bad" day anymore. Maresie.
