The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A few months ago I had my granddaughter overnight, and had to take her to her mother's the next day (my alcoholic/addict 30 year old daughter). The daughter had been out of jail for some time, and was living with a new 'bf', someone she had met through the small church she's been attending since she's been out of jail.
She's on intensive probation for 18 months, thousands of dollars in fines, and the latest rumors are she has some more time to serve for another fine.
When I dropped Alexandria off, I was pleasantly surprised. They were living in a small house that was neat as a pin. There was no tv in the living room. Her bf introduced himself to me, and of course, I bear in mind that people are always on their best behavior for someone new
That was the first time I drove off with a bit of relief as I wasn't leaving Alexandria in a house of squalor with druggies in and out.
I always view any potential positives in my daughter's life with a great deal of skepticism.
She kept up the facade long enough that her father sent her $100, which she called to tell me about a week ago.
A couple of weeks ago she had called to chat, and during the conversation, she thought it was quite funny that on a weekend when she had the grandkids, she and her 'church' friends had gone to rent some games for the Playstation, stopped off at the bar for a drink or two, and decided to have my granddaughter babysit (she's almost 13) while they went back out for a night of drinking till 2:30 in the morning (a direct violation of her probation, and she's on psych meds).
Last week I get the kicker and she calls to inform me she will be moving out while the bf is at work, and gave me a list of grievances about him that was a mile long. She and two of her female 'friends' had found another house, one of whom is on disabilty for several mental health issues. She tends to pick the ones who don't take their meds and are unstable at best.
She's still writing the 'fiance' in prison, the one serving time for child molestation.
She's got somebody else in the next town north she gets 'booty call' from. Really, I don't need to hear those details.
This is exactly why I no longer have hope. What I have is faith that God has a plan for her, and I'm going to stay out of the way.
It no longer breaks my hurt nor ruins my day.
It's what I expect. It's what I accept. It is what it is.
Some never do 'get it', and I have long since put my oldest daughter on that list.
I truly do believe she is one of those people who is constitutionally incapable of being honest with herself.
Thanks for letting me talk about this.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
((()) We can just guide them. At a certain point in their life they stand on their own but gee its hard when you see them making bad decisions. Doesn't matter how hold they are to us as mothers they are still our babies. You have to at some stage put up your own protective barrier and think of yourself first. Luv Leo xxx
Another heartbreak and mine does when I read your post. You are handling it well, it seems, if that is even possible...to handle problems like this with an adult child. I think of you often and will continue that. You have pulled me up several times with responses to my posts. I know that the people on this site will do that for you as well.
Thank you for your kind words, Omajoy. I spent years getting tangled up with the daughter's messes because of the grandchildren. My sanity was on the edge, and that's when I realized if I didn't truly turn it over to God, I was going to completely lose it. It is extra tough when grandchildren are involved.
Seems there's always a positive involved with a negative, and the grandkids' stepmother is back with the family.
She has been a Godsend for those children, but had reached a point where she couldn't take it anymore with their father (who has custody) catering to every whim of my daughter because he has no backbone. She moved to Oregon for several months.
For now, the children are doing very well at home as she keeps them on a schedule, gets involved in all their activities, Johnathan (age 7) is now in Boy Scouts, and I can go through her for weekend visitation as opposed to dealing with my daughter.
Believe me, it took a LONG time to get to the point where I have peace in my life despite the continuing existence of my oldest daughter in alcoholism/addiction.
I pray for you every day.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Learning to do the same here ((((Tender)))), so see great hope when you share your news and how you are coping with it. I hope that you are giving yourself a pat on the back for walking your steps and working your programme.
Always, you and your daughter remain in my prayers.
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
The title to your post is accurate TH. It of course is no reason for me to loose Hope anymore like I use to. I know that this situation (almost to a tee) is going on with one of my sponsees also and it took him 7 years to finally let go and let God and take the hook out. The disease ceases to be surprising anymore. What can happen, will happen, If nothing changes...nothing changes, "Still there is hope...always hope." "Alexandria" what a beautiful name to rise out of the chaos. Might you want to put a name on the prayer list? Check out cunning powerful and baffling.
THSKS, this disease generates so much pain. What an incredible example you are of working your program and living a life of recovery and with such dignity and grace, thank you for your story in your post.
Last night, I told my story to one of my al-anon groups as a guest speaker. it was so hard!! I had never done it before and I was really scared. But it made me face reality again and in front of witnesses of an audience. and this is why its so important for us to share our stories- for those listening but also for those telling it. Its so important for all of us.
Honesty- I am learning how to be honest. From my heart. This is such a big lesson for me. Thank god for this program, every single day. Hugs, J.
I can definitely empathise if I did not detach I would suffer tremendously. I do detach daily from lots of stuff. I do better but I am certainly not there. I now expect to be disappointed.
