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I have had some discussions recently with my counselor about anger. It seems that is the emotion I am most frequently experiencing lately...the one which undoes me in my quest for recovery and peace. He has gently pointed out to me that I have lots of reasons to be angry at the world the past months. My illness, my husband's illness, the divorce in the family, my son's continuing problems, my mother's illness, both my parents' aging problems and me unable to help, my inability to accept my new residence, etc etc etc. BUT he tells me that most of my anger is heaped upon my son and his EX. And I know he is correct and that this anger is cumulative and displaced.
So in admitting my wrongs I acknowledge that my anger at my EXDIL is overpowering, but that she isn't the cause of my son's problems with alcohol nor did she cause my illness nor that of my husband. She is innocent of anything to do with my parents. She is instrumental in my moving here and ultimately hating it so much; that problem is tied into the divorce, of course. So I need to work on facing the realities of this. I NEVER express the anger to her. She may sense it in my attitude of detachment to her. I just keep conversations to the bare necessities, stay civil, but am not my old warm self. Neither is she. So beneath the surface of my presence is the seething...on both our parts. The expression of this anger boils over almost daily when she calls with her "command performances" for me. I hang up and proceed to vent endless onto my spouse, onto this site, or just to myself. I rage and cry and feel awful. I use language I am ashamed of. I become someone I don't know, wouldn't want to know, didn't used to be.
So I will try, for today, to keep myself in control of this anger. I will concentrate on doing my housework, preparing for my grandchild and son to visit today. The toddler and I will plant marigolds in the front pots this afternoon. That is our project for today. You can't be angry in the presence of marigolds and sweet toddlers. And I keep repeating the Serenity Prayer. Thanks for listening.
"You can't be angry in the presence of marigolds and sweet toddlers."
I love this, and I am going to remember it. This one sentence of yours should take its place among the great quotes of all time.
"Controling" anger makes me think of keeping it below the surface; allowing it to fester and grow from within only to explode at some other inconvenient time. The trick is to work through the anger, then place it in perspective and go on, having pet in on its head and kissed it goodby. I hope, one day, you'll be able to do just that. l
With best wishes,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Diva!!! Thank you so much for the wonderful response to my "quote"!! I am totally flattered and it made me happy!!! I love to write and do a lot of it. Thank goodness for writing.....and I see some wonderful examples of great creative efforts on this site.
Controlled anger is NOT the answer. It is working through the anger,confronting it, understanding where it springs from, why and what and who you are angry with.
Working through the anger is the only way to outing it safely and not letting it take root deep inside of you or explode and cause injury to you and all within the distance of that explosion.
Keeping you in my thoughts today, and picturing you and your little one planting those sweet marigolds with joy in you heart.
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
It seems you have found a little secret to take care of you. " You can't be angry in the presence of marigolds and sweet toddlers".
You do know that anger is self induced? Nothing can "make" you angry, no one can "make" you anything. The key for me is to be aware of who the anger hurts. The answer is always that it hurts "me". Take that a step further...what is hurting myself called? Self abuse.
(Here I go off the deep end again) Many of our so called feelings are ego induced. "How dare life hand this to me!!!" We are used to reacting in ego mode. We listen to the ego voice in our head instead of the voice of the soul/spirit, our true self. Imagine if you can that you did not have that angry voice and reaction. How would your spirit truly like to react? I can guess that it would choose not to make itself upset and miserable. It would choose to plant marigolds with a precious child.
I'm no psychologist but may I offer a suggestion? When you do plant the flowers, remember the internal feeling of joy it brings along with your Grandsons laughter, awe and wonder.
Notice every joyfull instance. It is that "feeling" I'd like to suggest you hold on to the next time the anger begins bubbles up. If you can just relax for a minute, breathe long enough to go back to that place of joy and muster up that same feeling...you won't be able to have that feeling of joy and hold anger at the same time. It's an impossibility.
It works for me. Everytime, I will realize and remember that peace in spirit is my ultimate goal, along with the awareness that it's so much better to live in the NOW, in that place of peace. Rather then bringing baggage and old, old hurts forward.
Worth a try???
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Yes I think so Christy, and thank you for that share. I am not, by nature, an angry person, however I can find righteous anger, which in the past has enabled me to fight for a cause, a person, and required me to stand up to a situation that I felt was unjust; and what's more I have been guilty of unrighteous anger at times. I find that wearing and not something I want to hold on to.
Next time I find myself in the second situation I will consciously practice soul/spirit listening instead of ego listening.
Bless you.
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
Omajoy, as a writer you may know the power of words. Can you shape your attitude by watching the toxicity of your words? To me, my words shape my thoughts and my attitude. It takes work and viligence. To see you repeat "command performance" makes me resentful on your behalf. I had another reaction to reading that perhaps your x-DIL forces you to observe the new bofriend's influence on your grandson. I'm thinking it's possible she is more self-absorbed than to consider your feelings either way. That assumes she spends a lot of time thinking about you, and she might not. I was able to get over a long-standing resentment (which punished only , of course) by realizing I was off his radar. The love-hate thing is such a fine line, but apathy is very different. To realize he's apathetic about me and the things I was resenting was tough to swallow. It freed me from the effects of resentment, and I am able to interact with him while maintaining my good spirits. You can imagine all the extra time I have to think more enjoyable thoughts, too. ha! I wish you the best in this difficult situation. Jill
You just keep growing and growing maybe because you just keep working it and working it. I just love that quote. I use to love marigolds also but do more tropical stuff to date...such as Gardinias, Orchids, Sago Palms, Pineapples and the like. I've got some pretty enjoyable grandsons and they are outnumbered by the granddaughters...You're soooo correct there is absolutely no way I can get or hold on to anger around them.
Just a simple suggestion that comes from my journey in recovery. It really is simple; "If you don't like the feeling of anger choose the feeling of acceptance instead". These are polar opposite emotions and you can't feel them both at the same time. Of course they have polar opposite consequences also. I do more acceptance presently than anger because I love the peace of mind and serenity of it. Give it a try for about a week or so.
Jerry, that is great advice. I used that the other day. I simply choose not to get angry. My button got pushed- I am not going to go into the details of it but it got pushed HARD and I chose not to re-act. I was OK. I was not in any danger and nothing bad was going to happen as a result of what happened. It just pushed my buttons and I was able to just see that, note it and set it aside and accept that sometimes these things are going to happen and it is certainly NOT the end of the world! What a relief- I do not have to flip out. I can choose to when I really feel it is necessary after looking at it and checking it out but not instantly.
I have plenty to be flipping out over, too. But its so un necessary and what a waste of energy. I have a lot on my plate right now and I need to be very careful about where I am placing my limited energy. Anger and getting all bummed out and grumpy is not a good efficient use of my precious life force.
I managed. I did what I could and left the rest to HP- plain and simple. Then I moved on to the bzillion other things I need to work on right now.
I no longer get so "stuck" in the fury and rage and injustice of it. In fact, I almost never do anymore, thanks to this program. I actually am learning to accept. Hugs, J.
