Go to face to face meetings, if  you don't like it go again and again. Then if you still don't like it find another group they are all over the place.  I've only been to two different groups but someone had told me they are all very different in the climate or feel but the benifits of the program are very much the same and I agree. Anyway face to face meetings - a must do!

If there's anything you should be doing, it's getting to meetings!

You're going to learn so much about yourself, your boyfriend, and the family disease of alcoholism.

I attend three meetings a week now, plus post here, plus keep in contact with various friends who are in Al-anon, or who, while they're not in Al-anon, sure do seem to live the Al-anon principles in their lives without their knowing it.

Each meeting I learn something different. Each meeting, I just leave there thinking to myself "WOW!".

One of the meetings I'm liking a lot, but also having the hardest time with "connecting the dots" is the Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting.

My mom is an alcoholic - BUT, she's been sober since I was a baby. She attended AA meetings, Al-anon meetings, and OA meetings all through my life as a kid. I did not grow up in a home with an active alcoholic - so why, then, am I still so screwed up with how I think and try to solve problems and the like? I hear all these stories of other members in the ACOA meetings and thank my lucky stars I didn't have active alcoholic parents in my life as a child and I didn't go through all their crazy-making.

But STILL, the disease made its way to me, even though my mom remained sober my entire childhood. My father is not an Al-anon member. He drinks - but it's a rare occasion if he ever does, and I never saw negative things come from him as a result of his drinking. He's one of those rare gems who can control himself with alcohol. He can have a beer, and then not want another one for months.

So again... WHY? Why if I had a pretty stable childhood with parents who undoubtedly love me and made sure I knew they love me - WHY am I the way I am? Where'd I learn to think the way I do about certain things?

It really, REALLY confuses me. My mental fingers keep pointing at my mom. And it's not in a hateful, how dare she, accusing way - it's just a "Man, she grew up with a HORRIBLE alcoholic father. She's lucky to be alive. He really screwed her up, and unfortunately, that awful childhood worked its way into how my mom raised my brother and I."

So. It's just mind-boggling. I'm really working hard on fitting that puzzle together. If I learn more about how my mom raised me and where I learned to think the way I do, I'll be better able to handle myself with things.

So... yeah. Get yourself to meetings. Find meetings, especially, that really "speak" to you. I think really good meetings, too, are ones that work the steps and traditions. It gives you a starting place, at least. And once you're attending meetings regularly, keep your eyes peeled for that one member who just blows you away with how calm and collected they are in their life. They seem to have it all together - but at the same time, are quick to admit they have challenges. Once you find that person, ask them if they could be a sponsor for you.

I'm still looking for my own sponsor... but in the meantime the meetings, the literature, the friends I have... this web site... all have been key in my recovery.

Well I am one year out from a long term relationship with an A.  I would do incredible things for the A too to "support him".  I must say when I read you post about moving I saw a huge red flag.  I moved heaven and earth to help the A.  I really eventually came to see that was a huge issue for me.  I supported him to my own detriment.  I would so encourage you to keep your life as separate from him as possible. Whenever I "rescued" the A he would give me a great deal of attention for a while, it would be "honeymoon"for quite a while. Then eventually I would get tired of it being "all" about him.

If you do go to meetings try to create space for you to meet people. You can meet lots of people here.   Carve as much time for you as possible.  Your whole life does not have to be about helping him.

For me there was absolutely no limit of what I would do to help him, thousands of dollars, homeless and fed up years later I realised I had to have limits. Do you have limits, you breeze through that you can move and have great flexibility. What about your friends where you were living before.  Are you keeping in contact with them. Is your move a temporary one?  Did you take care of yourself around moving.

I made many many many impulsive, seemingly in good faith actions to help the A.  They all ended up nearly killing me, the more I helped him the worse I got. Eventually I got hugely resentful.  I also totally merged with him. For me as someone who was desperately lonely and lost that did not necessarily feel bad at the time.

I would really urge you to keep as much of your life separate from him as possible. Are you thinking about limits, who is going to pay his fine. Right now where I live its $10K if you have a DUI.  I paid so many tickets for the A it was ridiculous. He never felt the pain of having messed up until I left him.

I was always there to help. Eventually I just became a total doormat.

There are many many signs along the way. One for me was giving up my entire life for him.

Face to face meetings do help but this board can really help you. You can come here and put it out what you are feeling. Don't let him have access to this board. Keep this separate from him.  Then you will have a space carved out for you.

Maresie.

i think I have to accept the reality that alcoholism destroyed the relationship and he's progressed so that there is no way he can be trusted anymore. Nevertheless along the way I did hugely self destructive things like rescue him from his problems. I would never do that again.  Alcoholism is cunning baffling and powerful.

Maresie.

(((qhgirl)))
Welcome. I'm somewhat new to the program..off and on for about 6-7 months now..mostly off...I started posting here last week and the people here have helped me so much and have made me feel so loved, understood, and welcomed...I also go to face to face meetings...more off than on lately...the best thing I can tell you is this: be honest with yourself, take care of YOU, and stick with being here and stick with the face to face meetings....I have a tendency to isolate, as most of us do, and that is something I'm overcoming being here. I'm in contact with my sponsor more this week that I have been since I asked her to be my sponsor! this board helps, meetings defintely help, and feeling understood when you thought you were the "only one" out there like this absolutely helps.
Keep coming back for YOU
blessings
Jennifer

Aloha ghgirl!!

I echo the "get to meetings" suggestion cause that is what worked for me.  "Get to as many meetings as you can in the next 90 days and if you find that Al-Anon is not for you, you can try any other thing and we will gladly refund your miseries."  I never got my miseries back...LOL  I wonder where they put em.  don't care...don't want em back.  EVER!!

(((((hugs)))))

Thank you all for your responses. I think the hardest lesson for me will be that I cannot cure it. I know that I didn't cause it and all that, but it is in my nature to fix things. I've trained horses for years for other people and every time I picked a horse to buy for myself...it was the misfit in the barn that needed to be rehabilitated. I never know if the urge to fix it is something you're born with or if it's learned. If it's learned then I have no idea where I got it from. My mother wasn't what you would call a stellar mother and my father just stayed out of her way. Even though neither one of them drank...the way my family was, you would think that they were both alcoholics...disfunctional!!! At this point, at least for me, I just don't want to be an enabler. I have found one thing to be true with myself and that is that I want to be here right now and that if all I can do is give my love freely, then that is what I will do. I just don't want to be hurting the situation while all along I would be thinking I was helping. I don't know if that all makes sense. Hoping the meetings can offer some answers to my questions.