The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My wanting to "help" my "A" ( by nagging, begging, "explaining" (loudly) healthy thinking) has been totally selfish. My way to try to excape my own "double bind" I put myself in, which is: I don't want to be in an unhealthy relationship, but I do want to be with him. My behavior only made us more unhealthy!
Think we have all done a bit of what you describe. In my case I wanted to believe it would get better... maybe if I show her how messed up she is... hmmmm
Many good intentions... many many mistakes on my part... but you know what... someone told me a long time ago, "you did the best you could at the time".
For most people... especially me, I get guilty when I have new information about something I maybe shouldn't have done... but the key is just that... I didn't know that at the time. My heart was in the right place. I just didn't know how much I didn't know.
Be gentle with yourself as you reflect on the past. There is nothing you can do to change it, but there is much you can do if you are willing to give yourself a break and learn from it... *smile*
Take care of you!
-- Edited by rtexas at 13:05, 2008-03-11
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Well I certainly did my part in maintaining the unhealthiness. What I saw clearly as time went on and I dove into al anon was that no matter what I did he drank/used and acted out. No matter how healthy I was he still chose to do that.
I am not making excuses for my behavior, I am willing to look at them. Nevertheless living with an active alcoholic is a very very difficult undertaking.
Some people in Al anon do manage to say healthy in unhealthy situations. The A who I was with made that absolutely impossible. He went out of his way to destroy every single thing in our lives, our home, our finances, our transport, our health, our jobs, our peace of mine, everything. He robbed me of all of that.
In my experience hon,in time the unhealthy part will kill your feeling of wanting to be around him at all in time.
I forgot what made me want to live with him. He was boring,crabby, complained, always sick, had no emotions,slept and was always in a darkened room.and more.
so sad.He was so cool.
I do know where you are.So if you can cuddle next to him on the couch still,hold hands,kiss, hug, share a meal,sleep together, be thankful.time is running short my friend.love,debilyn
