The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've had 3 1/2 months with little to no contact from my A. During this time, I've discovered (and rediscovered) some things about myself. Thanks to this board and the program, I have opened up my eyes to lots of truths. I'm still digesting some of them and learning so many important things.
So I go out with a friend to celebrate her birthday last night. Have a very good time - and feeling a renewed sense of me. When I got home, I had the email. The email that said, "I'm seriously giving some thought to returning to the states and was wondering if we could talk about it." The A, whose only constant in my life has been the repetition of coming and going, is back at it. Thirty years is a long time to ride this ride.
This is exactly where the whole thread about "choice" becomes relevant for me. Do I choose him? I would choose him a thousand times over. What hurts the most? Knowing in my gut that I'm the last resort for him. Feeling like I'm not even a choice for him, but a last resort. That hurts in places that I didn't even know I had. But that's something I HAVE to examine, because my self-esteem is tied to it. If I can't hold my head up and feel worthy enough to have the best that someone can offer me, then I how can I reconcile this relationship in my mind?
I want someone to rattle my cage here. This conversation (and I will have it with him) is dependant upon me being able to use every ounce of recovery that I have to do what is in MY OWN BEST INTEREST. I don't want to crawl in my head and tell myself things that I know deep down aren't true and may end of costing me in the long run.
My ESH would be that for today, it is okay not to know the answer.
I can relate to feeling like the A's last resort. For me, I felt for a long time that my A used me and in some ways he did/does, but not to the extent I told myself. I agree that it ties into our own self esteem a great deal. I notice that now living back with my A, that he respects me more the more I hold my ground and ask for what is fair.
I came to alanon desperate to separate myself from the A in my life. I found a sponsor who initially helped me with some sound boundaries for doing that. Since then, I am back with my A. At the time I decided to give it another try, I again wrote out new boundaries. One of them being that we were in couples counseling. Alanon and that counseling have kept me sane so far. At times it feels like I am back on a roller coaster, but there are more and more times now where it feels good.
My only ESH would be, when you are having the conversation with your A, remember it is okay to say, I need more time to think about it. Today the answer may be no, but I can't tell the future. That was probably the single best advice I got when dealing with my A, who wanted to move "home" NOW.
Also, my A was good at asking the same thing over and over. I learned to shut up, not to explain that I needed more time and why, just to repeat that I needed it. He always knew I cared abou him and his welfare, but he saw that I was figuring out my needs and wasn't going to be pushed into anything.
Give yourself the time you need to feel comfortable about making a decision. Come up with some stock answers to questions you know will come up and LEAN ON THOSE IN RECOVERY! It made a big difference for me.
R3, I agree with L in that you can certainly take your time to decide. If I were in your position, I would not reply any time soon. I have more to say but I need to go and will write more later. Hugs, J.
Pray until something happens. Ask your HP to guide you. Trust in it. As the others said, the answers might not come immediately, but when they do, then you'll know what to do.
One of the things I thought of R3, is that one way to slow things down (which might be a good idea) would be to very briefly thank him for getting in touch and then inform him that you would be happy to set up a time to discuss this in 3-6 months but right now you are working on some things that you want to devote 100% of your attention to. (say what you mean but dont say it mean)
This would put you in control of the situation, not him. You decide when. You decide where.
If its meant to be, he will be there and match your moves. He needs to match your moves, not you matching his. I really think you need more time to work your program w/o distraction (him). He certainly has not hesitated to take lots of space for his own needs!!! Hugs, J.
First someone please tell me what ESH stands for? Secondly I agree with everyone else, and Jean's is really good! Makes you sound confident and like you have tons of self respect even if you don't yet! Do not answer right away! Pray, Pray, Pray and do not answer utill you really feel comfortable with your choice. This would have been really really hard for me because one of my issues is I really really want someone to love me> but now I'm trying to learn to love myself and then I know I won't be so desperate and I'll be more loveable to my signifigant other. So if you (not act) but really are more confident in yourself he may stop taking you for granted or if he's not doing so you will stop feeling taken for granted! Think about it won't it be cool to know he's there because he really wants to be and your really want him to be. So if he or you start thinking or saying he might withdraw the offer or request to return if you don't respond now- so be it- you don't want to live in doubt anyway so it must not be meant to be if there is a now or never feeling.
Well I was on a yo yo with the A for seven years. I separated once for a week I believe in a half hearted attempt to assert some control fat lot of good that did. I paid the bill for that. I doubt he was even minorly inconvenienced. He would always reel me in. The other separation was two months when I moved out from him last year. I did not know then that was his style. Funny how the obsessive does not notice patterns. I was totally and absolutely committed to being over responsible to him. I would have one last conversation after another, one last long talk after another. He totally took up all my time, energy, money, health and preoccupation. I had no life because I was absolutely consumed with him and his needs (mine were not in there anywhere because I totally bought it hook line and sinker that if I loved him I would always engage when he asked and I did...until I got enough of being here.
I am now like you 3 months out from speaking to him. I separated a year ago. Until October last year I still helped him and put myself last most of the time. i still held onto the hope" he might come around. He didn't of course, he came around to get what he could but the idea of improving his life centers around his needs not mine, no never ever mine. The conversations I have had are that I have nothing more to say to him, that ends the conversation, there is nothing more to discuss. What's more I have told the A I am not interested in where he is, what he is doing, the state of his finances, the state of his life, his health nothing. That is my boundary because if I go anywhere else he's in there and getting what he wants and I am lost in him again and I have not one shred of breath left to give to him.
How dramatic it is to live with an A, its always no holds barred isn't it? Save me save my life, no time to smell the flowers, no time to get to know him or her, just save save save and then save some more. I felt "good" about saving the A for years, then I ended up totally bankrupt (I may as well be bankrupt) without a vehicle, without a home, with no where, job less, without any peace of mind but oh yeah I still needed to care for him. That is where my disease was to put him above all else no matter what until I came to a stop.
Do you have to answer his email this minute?. Do you have to have the conversation with him? I mean he's doing whatever where he is. He is still alive, he is still "there' he has not evaporated.
I laid my entire life out for the A. I heard all his pleas about not being able to do what he wanted for years. I empathised. I don't think he ever empathised with me for one second unless he thought he would get something out of it. When I was sick he did nothing but rationalise how I could get better on my own. When he was sick he was the world's only patient with a rare disease and he was about to die. My illnesses didn't qualify. I didn't manage to realise he didn't much care what I wanted I guess it would be too painful to see it because I really wanted to buy that if I just did one more thing for him he'd realise how wonderful I was but he didn't. He didn't. He just kept on his merry path of self destruction, chaos and blame and I was in there for the blame regularly. The crop of the stuff is that he always wanted me to take care of him as top priority. I was not in there in the priority.
We had pets and he did not make them a priority either. I hate to say this but both my dogs are seriously emoitionally damaged and hurt long term by the craziness he portrayed last year with his being homeless and abandoning them. i dont' even like to think of the stuff he did to them,leaving them alone for days, not feeding them, not watering them. I am shocked they made it. I can't be home a minute late or they go into a panic. I have to have a super strong routine for them. I pay for that they pay for that, he does not pay for that. In fact I don't even think he has a conscience about it he's so immersed in self pity about the "poor me" he is. And he's so convinced I am somehow responsible for him not getting what he wants and needs and needs and needs and then needs some more and how I should "give" it to him.
I paid a huge huge huge huge price for making the A a priority in my life. I paid with my health, I paid with my wallet, I paid with my isolation, I paid with my life, I paid on the job, I paid in that no one wanted to be around me, I paid wth my sanity. How long do you want to pay for? I paid and I stopped paying. I simply can't pay anymore because I know where that will take me and I'm not sure I can come back from that one.
I used to relish that he always came back to me I thought that was "love". I don't doubt the A cared at times but his disease and his mental instability ate up everything, destroyed everything and almost took me along with it. These days I make a huge huge huge effort to know that I do not need to answer his pleas, his requests, his demands that I take care of him, in fact for me it is absolutely crucial that I put all his demands/needs/assertions that he needs me aside because his needs totally squash me and destroy me and they almost totally destroyed our beloved pets too.
So I would say don't answer, keep working on you and wait for him to follow up. He's not going to die, shrivel up and cease to exist if you actually think of yourself for once.
You know we don't have to be brutally honest with you. We really aren't doing or thinking anything wrong. We chose an A to share a life with. I am just like you - over 30 years of him doubting his love for me and his national anthem "I am outta here". And me never being on the top of his list. Well, the disease has always been on the top. And guaranteed when I finally have had enough of the threats (he actually did leave 3 years ago) and I think I am outta here, he calls and says let's get together and talk. They call it the alcoholic radar. We have to understand that it will never be us to turn their head around but their HP. I wish my AHsober really, really, loved me but I don't think he really, really loves himself enough to give to anyone else. So as they have said keep making choices for yourself that make you happy. Grieve for what we don't have. Accept what is (hard I know). And make those itty bitty decisions that give you some say in the meeting.
My gosh - I'm overwhelmed by all of your responses. Thank you. Thank you ever so much. I'm taking with me some of what each of you told me.
Leetle: I liked your idea of having stock answers to those questions that I KNOW will come up.
Jean: What can I say, girl, you're full of wisdom...and strength. And yes - I do not plan to make any quick commitments (except a "no" commitment, if I'm pressured).
Aloha: PUSH. Very good indeed. Prayer is my closest companion.
Glad: First of all, "ESH" is Experience, Strength, and Hope.......things that I never fail to find here. In abundance. Yes - I do want to be more confident, especially in my approach to my A. I may just have to "fake it till I make it"!!
Maresie: Your post hit me right between the eyes - like I knew it would. You indeed got my cage rattled, as I requested. You got my attention. Your ESH is incredible. THANK YOU!
Nancy: You compassion is heartwarming. Thank you so much for understanding where I am and encouraging me.
Y'all are truly awesome. Thank you.
Okay - here's where I am. I have agreed to have a chat with him tomorrow night. Only to hear what the hell is going on with him and hear what's in his head. Should it matter? Oh I don't know. I care about this person. So it matters to me. Will I be snowed? Well.....let's just say I'm keeping my shovel VERY handy. You have all given me such wisdom and strength. I will have each of you with me during my chat tomorrow night. I'll keep ya posted.
I guess I would want to ask you,what makes you think you are a last resort for him?
I invite you to ask him,"What makes you want to move back?"
Agreeing with the others. You will know how you feel, and or what you want, when you know.
It is so ok to say, "I just don't know."
Hon for me I would give everything to have my husband back. But I know with him comes his disease. I cannot live thru another relapse and my heart being rebroken when it is still just an open wound.
It is so not easy to go thru that horrible stuff again.
Keep coming here and venting what you are thinking please, if you like. It will help you find your feelings.
