The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm just blown away at how quickly my HP responds and sends me answers and relief.
At times, my life is like those V8 commercials. Have you seen them? Some person will be filling their plate with bread and meat and then someone will come along and bonk them on the forehead for not including any vegetables.
Well, that little bonk on my forehead came tonight after my Al-anon meeting.
I was talking with a friend after the meeting, and she was talking about how despite how awful things can be with her AH who's in recovery, that she just always wants him to know he's at least SAFE there with her. There's no threatening from her, or ultimatums. And because she's not giving him ultimatiums, he's slowly starting to really open up in his recovery.
The whole time I was listening to her, I was thinking to myself, "Jeez. I wish I had that with my AH, but I can't, because I've set my foot down with him by telling him if he starts drinking again, I'm gone."
I tell her the same.
BONK! The knock on my forehead comes: "Then you're controlling him." is her answer.
For crying out LOUD!!!!
UGH!!
There I was - this whole time trotting around agreeing "I have no control over alcoholism", and and in the very same breath holding the threat of our marriage over his head "Oooh, if you go back to drinking I'll leave you! You'll NEVER get my blessing to go back to drinking!"
Uh, DUH! CONTROL! That's me trying to control him and the disease... and BOY was that making things AWFUL for us.
So, I came home from the meeting a little late. Of course, AH is sitting there getting all suspicious... "aren't those meeting supposed to only last an hour?"
I told my AH he should thank his lucky stars I stayed late to talk with that friend.
So there it was. I sat and had a long conversation with him. I told him "I am done with it. I am done threatening you and threatening our marriage by tellng you I'll leave if you start to drink. It does nothing for your recovery, and it does nothing for mine."
I was then very frank and honest with him and told him it scares and hurts me when he drinks, but I'll just have to deal with it on my own and with my program if he starts again. But I'm not going to hold the threat of ending our marriage over his head any longer. I don't know if that's going to happen or not, because I don't know if he's going to start drinking again or not.
Whatever.
It is OFFICIALLY out of my hands! That was the last thing I was grasping, and it was making my life MISERABLE.
So this is where I turn back to my HP now and say, "Okay, HP. I did what felt right and what I felt you wanted me to do. So I'm going to continue to say, HELP ME. GUIDE ME. PROTECT ME. Because who knows what's going to happen now that I'm not holding that axe over my AH's neck any more.
All I know, though, is I felt this tremendous relief giving that up. And of course my AH felt it, too. I can just pray that he recognizes how hard it was for me to let that go and I hope he works on being responsible and recovering.
But if he's not?
Well, then, that's HIS choice. Because it's not on me ANY MORE. Never again. I don't want it.
So, THANK YOU, HP. Thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul. You saved me today. And I appreciate it so much. My life remains in your hands. You seem to know what to do with it, so I'm just going to keep trusting that you will HELP ME. GUIDE ME. and PROTECT ME.
Boy don't these things sneak up on us! I have heard AA described as "a simple program for complicated people." I think the same can be said for Al Anon. I think that is why so many great slogans have come out of Al anon. There is simply no way one can figure everything out about themselves on anyone else's time line than their HP's.
Yesturday morning I was laying in bed praying really working at turning over situation that has brought literally 2 years of tears, wasted time trying to "figure it out" drama, pain, driving my extended family crazy, friends probably thinking man, why can't she let this thing go? The people closest to the situation just stopped talking to me and I do not blame them ughI!!
I went to counseling several times, the experienced Dr. just kinda shook his head at why I was so obsessed about this and didn't seem to understand which frustrated me more. I asked the Doctor to hynotize me so I could just forget about it (he wouldn't do it). I have lost so many happy days due to this and no matter how much I wanted to let go my mind / heart just hung on to it. I wondered if hp was trying to make me so unhappy that I had to take an action to change my life?
I'll leave out the long explaination about what it was exactly, but due to some infomation relayed to me through this site. Today I now have the exlaintation I have been begging for and crying about for 2 years.
Was this the first time I had prayed about the issue NO, Why were my other attempts to turn it over to higher power not successful, don't know. Will I "pick it up again" doubt it but maybe. Don't intend to.
My point is I got a clear-unmistakable answer to a question that seemed to have no answer and was driving me crazy. It is such a direct, to the detailed point answer it can not be a coincidence! HP is sooo good to me.
Now I gotta work on letting go of my excitement about getting it resolved and just get on with my life but wow do I feel good.
Great post and growth. Listening to others in recovery is what brought me this far. Using what I listen to with the slogan "take what you like and leave the rest" has supported the fact that "I am responsible" while I practice turning my will and my life over to my HP. My sponsor led me to making decisions by looking at the consequences I desired first rather than just reacting to the problem or relying on "Whatever" as the basis of my behavior.
I rarely if ever just accepted what I was being told as gospel after considering the situation. I was taught to think (God gave us brains to use) and ponder and ask further and then act. My sponsors and every other person around me in recovery has come from dysfunction and that is my best reason to slow down and easy does it, Let go and Let God, listen, learn and keep and open mind. I didn't get into the problem overnight. I will not arrive at a new way of living in that amout of time either.
