I am just beginning to learn so much. Why make a permenant hurtful decision before I am rock solid strong in who I am. It will be hurtful to leave him even if it is the right decision. So my goal right now is to continue to "figure me out" and definitly not stay in limbo forever and if staying becomes a roadblock to me learning and growing then I will most certainly leave! So yes I think it is important-some people may be fine in limbo-maybe I'll be one of them as I grow but I doubt it. I think things will change for me in the next 6 mths one way or the other I hope to be feeling good about me.

-- Edited by glad at 16:38, 2008-03-10

I have asked this question many times myself over the years-- but I see the growth I have made when I analyze the intent behind my question.
As a newbie, I wondered if my AH would get clean and sober if I left. (then I learned about the 3 Cs)
Somedays are so ugly, I just don't think I can stand to be here anymore-- but then I look at my part and take a break-- leave town for a few days, call somebody or go out with a friend-- and then it seems "lighter".

Now I ask the question because I worry about the effect of the alcoholic/addict marriage on my kids--- but no matter what, they are still going to have to deal with him because he is their dad. Now I stay because I have more control of the environment my kids are in.

Now I ask the question because I don't want to mess up my serenity too much. I wonder what the effect of chronic living on the merry-go-round is on me. But just for today-- it is ok.

I asked this question to a therapist recently and he told me there are no easy answers.
I really wanted it to be simple. I like the earlier post that used the acronym PUSH.
pray until something happens. I don't try to force my solutions to fit the problem anymore.

I'm in glad's position right now.

First and foremost, I feel I need to get myself to a place where damnit, I'm going to be FINE.

Part of the ridiculous thing I keep hanging onto right now is that "If I leave, he'll go back to drinking. If I leave, he's going to blame everything on me and use that as an excuse to go back to drinking."

I notice my mushy thinking there. "If I leave... HE..."

I need to get to the point where I'm like... "If I leave, this and that will be GREAT for me." and the "HE" part never comes into equation.

I'm not there yet. Despite the gargantuan mess that HE created, I'm still in the limbo area of not yet wanting to leave. Hoping against hope that light will dawn on him... that his HP will finally get through to him. Blah blah blah.

But that's one thing I did realize, though, is that at some time... some point, I need to draw the line. Do I want to be in the same place 40 years down the road? Still with the same bi-sexual alcoholic who won't admit he's either??

So, I'm slowly working on setting that boundary. Drawing the lines for that "if" part of my life. Which is hard to do, because it makes it hard to live in the NOW. I can't live in the now if I'm planning for the "ifs" of the future.

Just so hard. :(

MIDGET wrote:

---

But bieng a single mother has to be easier than coming home every day to total chaos and destruction.

---

That statement really hit me between the eyes.

In my case, leaving the active AH, there was no choice, no manipulation behind it.

Our relationship had been 5 years of emotional abuse, eventually escalating into physical abuse and daily beatings. He was paranoid, psychotic, and a rage-aholic.

After completing rehab for myself, I knew going back home to me was signing my death warrant because he had come so close to beating me to death.

As sick as that marriage was, I DID mourn the loss for at least two years, but I always knew there was no turning back.

I refused to truly address my codependency issues for several years after that. I'd always rationalize that the current 'partner' was never physically abusive. What I stayed in denial over was that I continued to pick the emotionally abusive ones at worst, and the emotionally unavailable ones at best.

They always fell apart, and I would end the relationship because I just couldn't take anymore and continue with my own recovery.

The real eye opener for me was when the ex-fiance walked out on me in 1999.

For the first time in my life, I saw the pain in my youngest daughter's eyes, and in my granddaughter's eyes, and realized it was no longer about ME and my choices. I had hurt them too through my choices in relationships.

Even though my oldest daughter was only 8 years old when I started my life over, I continued to pick the wrong men for all the wrong reasons until after she had left home.

It's had a profound effect on her.

Not only is she an active alcoholic/addict, but she can't stand not having a man in her life.

She's currently engaged to a man in prison, convicted of child molestation.

That breaks my heart because I have grandchildren who spend every weekend with her (the father has custody, but doesn't stand up to her because he'd rather avoid conflict, even at the cost of the well being of his children).

If anyone thinks that the children aren't affected by chaos in the home, even if you have a program, think again.

That is guilt I will carry with me to my grave.



-- Edited by Tenderheartsks at 21:18, 2008-03-10

-- Edited by Tenderheartsks at 21:18, 2008-03-10

Aloha Gals!

Experience with and in recovery brought me the realization that I knew more about being divorced than being married.  Divorce/separation was usual for me. If I couldn't stand the heat...I got out of the kitchen.  Then came Al-Anon and my Al-Anon sponsor and other Al-Anon members at face to face meetings with all of their lives and ESH.  Combine with that the language and ideas that were coming from the friends and associates at work.  Workers said "Divorce the b----!!"  My inclination was to do that as it seems historical and traditional the only alternative; yet there was my sponsor and his slogans and recovery walk.  "Let it go and Let God have it for now.  What was your part in it."  "Don't react!!"  "Don't Project!!"  (want my favorites?)  "When in doubt...Don't" (make a decision about something you have doubts about.) 

I was told I  had alternatives (many of them) and that to learn about these alternatives I had to sit still and listen, ask others for help, and question my motives and behaviors because that was what I was relying on..."doing the same things over and over expecting different results."  I was told that I would duplicate the past if I didn't have real solutions in the present.   That proved to be true because I did even though I was intending to have different outcomes.

Glad is working a page out of the plan book I was given.  Take the time to get right with yourself first and then go on to other priorities.  Don't get into the future while trying to stay in the present because often times in the meantime HP is working another plan that I will surely miss.  Stay in the present and TRUST YOUR HP!! 

My sponsor told me, "No major decisions for 2 years."  The alcoholic would call me (we were separated) and ask me, "Aren't you going to get the divorce now?"  I would respond "No I have other important things I must take care of first" or "My sponsor told me to not do anything yet."  I was amazed that she was leaving the whole thing up to me and finally came to a realization that she was in denial as I was and that she really didn't want to go thru another divorce herself and would rather just keep drinking without problem.  Cunning Powerful and Baffling.  By the time I was ready to take action I knew myself and why I should take the action I has chosen and it was an honest solution to problems that I had a penchant for creating.   It wasn't about her or her drinking.  I was learning how to change me.  Amazingly I had also come to the point that I really loved her and also realized that I should not have married her in the first place...wrong choice - over and over and over again.  Someone else hit on this also.

I was told that if I didn't figure out how I was getting into trouble with my choices and have a plan for solutions and change the chance were very very good that I would duplicate.   This scared the heck out of me and not enough to create the proper choice right away. I duplicated several times after that. The alcoholic was a habitual drinker.  I was a habitual enabler and fixer. I can only want to fix something I perceive as broken and people who have perceived problems to me...need fixing...need me.  I will start fixing on perception even before I ask another person if they have a need for help.  I will start fixing even before I ask the qualifying question, "Does this person have the time, ability and facility to help themselves?" and then...asking if they want mine.
 
I need to stand way back from the picture in order to get the right picture.  I need to move the picture around and look at it from different angles to get the right perception and after that I need to ask others for their own perceptions. (help).  What is soooo hard about asking for help myself?  I only learned to do that in Al-Anon and it took me 37 years to get to the Family Groups. As I also learned that what was wrong for me about asking for help was the broadcasting to someone else that I was "less than" and "not capable."

Today I continue to learn how to be married...that is one of the things I had to learn that was new.  I am learning openmindedness, compassion and understanding along with tolerance, patience and a committed reliance on a Power Greater than Jerry F.  No matter who my spouse is...without my Higher Power I am less than and she isn't married to the real deal when I am acting on my own.  

Divorce, separation, time outs, etc etc. have been brought up before because they seem to be traditional solutions to feeling angry, lonely, self pity, not loved enough and all the rest of those negative ego and pride busting emotions.  In the program I have learned many "non-traditional" solutions that work better for me and now as time has pasted, worked for us.   It works if you work it and it really works when you include HP.

(((((hugs)))))

 

This is a great topic for me. I bounce back and forth with thoughts of leaving or not leaving so often I make myself crazy. I have tried to take my thoughts away from the idea of leaving and more on how I am going to make live better for myself and my kids while staying. My kids are old enough now that I can talk openly with them about addiction and how it effects people. Not just the addict, but those around them. They SEE what goes on around them. They need to be able to understand what is normal and acceptable behavior in a relationship.

I pray a lot. Things get better for a while. I think that is my HP way of telling me to stay. So, I stay.