The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First, I must tell you, this will most likely be a long post....
The weekend completely sucked.... It started with Friday, my 32nd birthday...woke him up at 1 p.m. (he works 3rd shift) to see if I could have the truck for the weekend or if he was taking me to my mother's house...He said he needed the truck and that I knew that....told him that I needed him to take me to mom's then....instantly ticked him off... that sparked a very bad fight...crying...things said that weren't meant...yada yada yada....which made for a VERY bad bday for me.... Got to mom's, she wasn't there...went in, set up the laptop and had a beer...first one I've had in forever it seems...it tasted soooo good...she and the kids got home an hour later with my bday presents, decorations and cake....ended up being an ok day.....the next morning, my lips were VERY swollen...they've been severly chapped all week but bareable..not sure why this has happened....didn't do too much saturday...helped mom clean the house, argued with the 13y/o boy about NOT doing his part to help with the house...typical weekend...talked to the A breifly....one of the things that hurt so deeply and that I hadn't been able to get out of my head all weekend was the statement "I'm tired of taking care of other people"....Like I said, BAD weekend....talked to my sponsor saturday evening and told her what was going on....I wasn't sure if I would be moving out or not....kind of difficult to NOT take that statement at it's face value....I decided to come home a day early so he can I could talk before he went to work yesterday....I woke up Sunday morning and my lips were 4 times thier normal size...cold washrag and ice pack didn't help, so mom says I'm going to the ER...off we went...got 2 shots, one steroid and one benedryl and was told to take benedryl every 4-6 hours....ok...so stopped and got that...came home...told him I was home...and then laid down and fell asleep....got up when he did and had a small conversation with him....he did mean that he was tired of taking care of other people and that part of him wanted me to leave and part of him wanted me to stay....I was going to leave....gave him the tearful goodbye take care of yourself i love you speech....he left for work and wasn't to his friends house before I called and asked for him to call me back when he got there...he did and I told him I would be here when he got home in the morning...I was...I've slept most of the day snuggled up to his back because of the benedryl....when I got him up at 1p.m. I told him I had made a decision...I had thought about what he had said and the way I'm choosing to take it is that he needs to focus on himself and his program and his sobriety and not my screwedupness...and yes that's a word i just made it up) he agreed and I also told him that I am going to focus on my program the way I should be and I am going to focus on taking care of ME which includes getting out of the house and getting a job...but there is ONE thing I needed him to do for me...and that is COMMUNICATE with me what's going on with him....he agreed....so that's that....
I appreciate everyone being here and the things you've said and the love and understanding felt in the words ya'll type....it DOES get through and I know this is NOT a substitute for my sponsor or for my f2f meetings...it's an additive...a suppliment...a vitamin if you will....I told her about coming here and she thinks its great....I feel he and I will be ok...I do think we will make it...someday...it's just going to take alot of work on both our parts to fix OURSELVES not eachother...
Thanks agian for letting me ramble blessings to you all Jennifer
You may find yourself pleasantly surprised after the initial grief. If you choose to work your program you will undoubtedly find yourself again. You may find more strength in yourself and be surprised you have it. You'll be better at figuring out just what you want out of life too.
p.s. Some people pay for those plump lips :)
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Many A's are not that good at looking at themselves and their part in the issue. I communicated night and day with the A about what I needed. Rarely very very rarely did he pay attention to it.
I also tried the "lets cooperate" route. I didn't get much further with that either. Double binds are part and parcel of living with an active A. Naming them was so key for me. I have left the A a year now I'm still naming them as a way of grieving and letting go.
Sometimes I felt I was totally lost but I did find the more I focused on me and the less I focused on him the better I got. Of course that is very difficult to do but practice helps
I just wrote a very long post explaining how my A has once told me something like that and I stayed anyway- it's something I may or may not post later but it got eaten by my computer so maybe hp is telling me to let it go for now. But it hurts 2 years later, even though he now says he loves me and wants me. I feel you made the right choice and will be much happier in the long run. I feel like I never know what he really feels and this has been a big issue for us. You will feel better about yourself knowing you never let anyone say they were tired of you or didn't want you, especially since you are working your program. Bless you girl for your courage and self respect.
Today, Higher Power, help me be patient with myself as I learn how to apply recovery behaviors with family members. Help me strive today for awareness and acceptance.
) he agreed and I also told him that I am going to focus on my program the way I should be and I am going to focus on taking care of ME which includes getting out of the house and getting a job...but there is ONE thing I needed him to do for me...and that is COMMUNICATE with me what's going on with him....he agreed....so that's that....