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If he gets drunk while he is suppose to care for our 3-month-old daughter, should I leave him? He has never been physically abusive, but is emotionally abusive to me when he is drunk. He suffers from depression. His father is also an Alcoholic, and encourages him to drink. He admits he has a problem and says he will get help but never does.
Should I leave him? Will it change him? Will it make him realize the pain he causes? Please help!
I shudder when people ask for our advice as to whether or not to leave their A's.... Only YOU can know the right answer to that one...
I would encourage you, at the very least, to make your choice on YOUR needs and what is most important to you.... don't fall for the facade that by leaving (or staying), it will effect his sobriety one way or the other.... The three C's work both ways..... We cannot cause, cure, or control their alcoholism, OR their sobriety.
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I'm new too. From what I've seen at meetings in person and on this board no one is likely to tell you if you should leave or not. I know this because I've been asking myself similar question about my relationship.
Think about it what if you can find a way to be such a strong person that you know in your heart what is best and don't need to ask that question?
What if you could find the answers to those types of questions on your own for the rest of your life? Do not pass go, do not hesitate run do not walk to the nearest Alanon meeting and if it is not a fit or your not comfortable go a few more times anyway, if then not a fit find another one with other people and try again because my friend the answers are yours and they won't take as long as you might think but you must act now your whole life is depending on you not your hubby.
If you have concerns don't leave the baby with him alone and try to find some face to face meetings to go to I suggest going without your hubby if you can at least at first but no matter just go.
Like your husband, my boyfriend admits the problem and has gone to 1 AA meeting- Not because I suggested he go but when I started going to Alanon and mentioned an "open" meeting of AA right down the street, he immediately said he would go - he got all grumpy and tried to back out at the last minute / blame it on me etc but I stayed calm and he went ( I think because I said I was going if he didn't ). And he has started drinking at 7pm instead of 5pm everyday. So I get some sober time if you can call it that. Progress for him and more understanding of the fact, absolute fact that he and I are powerless over alcohol.
Denial can be pretty hard to work with. Can you get another babysitter for the time being. I would advise keep coming here, go to the meetings here if you can, Read everything you can on the subject. Keep checking in with yourself. Take the focus off him fo a while, focus on you. Focus on what is going to make you feel better this day, week, month.
whether you leave him or not shouldnt be the question.The question should be who else can watch your child , when you "think" hes even going to get drunk. When alcoholics get drunk around children, the children are the ones tht suffer,not the sober spouse (we get over it ) I almost lost my children b/c my ex AH got drunk,fell and cracked his head , when he was supposed to be "on the wagon". And watching the kids while I was at work.The only thing tht saved me was a fast thinking neighbor tht came over and took my kids to her house.When the police showed up,they were all prepared to take them.His BAC tht nite was .20.Hed told them I was at the grocery.Which made me appear to be a neglectfull parent You as a responsible parent have to step up and decide wht is more important.Your childs safety, or hurting his feelings
Whether you leave him is up to you, and no one else can make that decision for you. One thing I can say for sure...I certainly would NOT leave my 3 month old infant with a drunken father. If that meant leaving him, well, there it is. There is never a question about whether a baby should or should not be placed in harm's way.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Do what you think is best for you and the baby. Sometimes, that is what ends up being best for the A, too, though it often doesn't look like it at first. No matter, though - that baby has nobody but you to count on. She needs one sane parent, and that has to be you.
Your husband might sober up if you throw him out, or he might not. One thing I can say for sure, though, is that if there are no consequences to him for behaving badly, he'll keep doing it.
Welcome to MIP so sorry you are going through this.
I agree with everyone else. You should do what is best for you and the baby. Above all, the baby should not be left alone with him, under any circumstances. Hopefully you have some family available to help out if you need someone to care for the baby.
No matter what you do, only he can help himself. For now, you have come to the right place. Try to find a face to face meeting in your area. Get some help for yourself.
Love and Blessings,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
((newmom))) I'm glad you found alanon and this site. It will help you a lot as you read others shares and share how you are feeling. I don't know how it works but it does. I realised, and it took a long time, that I had to look after myself. I didn't realise how much of my emotional energy was going into HOPING that my husband would stop drinking and CHANGE. I become miserable and sick. I still love him and I have suspended our marriage for the time being (asked him to leave) as trying to have a relationship with him was destroying me. With some physical distance between us (though we still see each other sometimes when he is sober)I have been able to heal and get some perspective on life!! He admits he has a problem but won't stop.... so I said I love you but can't live with you anymore. Please don't take this as advice, just sharing with you what I have done. For me it was the right time......I had other opportunities to split, but they weren't the right time... You and your baby are the ones who need to be safe. Take care of you and baby HP will look after husband. sb
Thought my husband was doing well. He was sober (I thought) - home from a stay in a rehab and working to change his life. Took the infant to the mall with my sister and left the 2 year old home with sober dad. Came home about an hour later and found spouse on the phone and son was standing at the table attempting to drink syrup from the bottle, next to it was dad's Vodka bottle... I NEVER left our children alone with him after that. I thought he was sober and could handle the responsiblity... The incident scared the heck out of me! What if the 2 year old had reached for the vodka??? I realized then that I was soley responsilble for the children, that I could not count on him.
Do what you feel best regarding the marriage, but protect your child from possible harm.
I dont know if you leaving him would make him change. He already knows the pain that he has caused!My ABF is the same way-he is as sweet as pie when he is sober but sometimes when he drinks he is very disrespectful! He also knows that he has a problem but hearing the same old "sad song and dance" gets old real quick! Thank God he does not drink everyday but not he is not with me now (check out my post), so thats a good thing.A lot of individuals on this board as well as myself are in the same or has been is the same or similar situation as you and the one thing I have learned is that if you make a decision like this dont do this in hopes that he will change do it for YOU and in your time!Its about you and your kids.
