The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
You know - it only just now dawned on me how weird my life has been and how in some bizarre way, each numerical month of the year I'm in happens to be the same number of the step I'm working.
Month one, January - is when my life just flipped upside down, inside out and took a screaming cannon-ball leap into a lake of swirling, churning chaos.
Step one - at that point in time I learned I was powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable.
Month two, February - I start attending Al-anon meetings with more regularity and keeping my ears open, absorbing all I hear and applying it to my life as best I can.
Step two - "came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity". - At that time, while I have HUGELY STRONG faith in my HP, really, my HP worked through the Al-anon meetings, and at that time, the Al-anon meetings that my HP guided me to were what were starting to restore me to sanity.
Month three. March - current month, and oooooooh boy, am I working step three like crazy now. I am praying praying praying, because I'm CLUELESS!! I don't know anymore! I don't know what to do with my life anymore! So I'm just praying!!
Step three - "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."
I had a rotten weekend with my AH. I called an Al-anon friend (you know who you are!). Called my mom, an Al-anon member herself the next day, and jeez... both conversations held so much for me. But one of the things my mind heard and latched onto the hardest was an acronym my mom mentioned.
She said "PUSH!" And of course, I'm like, "What? I can't do that - that puts me in the control position! I CAN'T control this!!", and then she says... "No. P.U.S.H. - Pray Until Something Happens."
Hallelujah!
So that's what I'm doing now. Praying until something happens. I just keep praying. And right now, all my prayers are is a repeat of the following. "God, HELP ME. GUIDE ME. PROTECT ME." And I repeat that over and over, every morning, noon, and evening, and every single time my brain has a spare moment. When I'm walking, I say the words in my head to each foot step. "God, HELP ME. GUIDE ME. PROTECT ME."
So, that's it. That's my cadence this month. I'm going to KEEP praying until something happens. KEEP "PUSH"ing. Because that's all I can do.
I think my HP is giving me some avenues. My HP has been really encouraging me to keep my dreams of pursuing my creative side. I have freelance design dreams that I want to continue with and I was blessed with the financial means to improve my design tools... and then last night after my Sunday Al-anon meeting, I just went to the store and bought some needlepoint stuff because I want to make little covers for my Al-anon books so they're unmistakably mine and I can feel a little less exposed if I bring them to work to read... and thank goodness! Because when I sit there on the couch doing my needlepoint while the TV is running, my mind is on the needlepoint - not "Gee - what is my AH thinking right now. He seems moody. What am I supposed to do? Blah blah blah". NO! My mind's not on my AH - it's on my creative outlet.
So, I'm thankful for that. But just because I have those things, doesn't mean I'm going to stop now. No! HELP ME. GUIDE ME. PROTECT ME. Is going to continue to be my cadence ..."until something happens." and even THEN, I'm not going to stop. I'm DONE trying to do everything by myself. I've had it. I can't do it all on my own any more. I need my HP's help, and I always will, so I'll never stop asking, even when "something happens". I'll be grateful when that "something" does happen, but I'll keep on asking.
Oooh. Wow what a ramble that was.
My admiration to anyone who could read all that and make any sense of it.
((((Aloha)))) Thank you sooo much for that post...it helped me out alot with something I've been struggeling with all weekend that I'm about to make a post myself about...I just wanted to tell you thank you....the needlepoint work...awesome!! DIVERSION!!! I have some crocheting that I could do...and I will when I get done here... good luck and thanks again Jennifer
aloha, someone mentioned in a recent meeting that the two holiest words are: "Help Me"
And YAY for creative outlets. I am an artist and if it weren't for that, i would be long dead, institutionalized, etc. I used to love needlepoint!!!
Your dreams matter. Its no accident that we have dreams, I believe that HP placed those in us when we were born. I am glad that you are pursuing yours and working your program. Its an inspiration. I can see progress in you already from the first time you posted as a newbie, not long ago at all. Nice work, missy- hugs, J.
Surrendering for me was very difficult and very very painful. I feel more at east now I have done that but it took forever for me to get there. Total acceptance of where I am is good for me because I can work in a centered way from that point. In fear I am tremendously scattered.
