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You have all read my vents on this situation I am in. My son's intermittent alcohol abuse led to a quick nasty divorce, secretly arranged by his EX, no legal counsel for him, he just said OK to it all and trusted her verbal promises. Two years of hell have ensued, with me in the middle. I was not asked nor did I ever agree to this. It just evolved. In order for son to see child, he must be supervised by person(s) of Ex's choice, at her discretion, because my son MIGHT pose a problem for the welfare of his child. Never had before, never has since. All a bunch of divorce settlement baloney cooked up by EX and her female warrior male-eating attorney. Son has fallen apart in many respects over this period; he is mostly sober, but when his depression/sadness get to be too much, he drinks...NEVER around his son. But now here is the problem:
EX is now dictating to him and thus to me WHEN she wants the child taken. She just called me, saying she had called my son (he isn't allowed her phone # so he can't call her under threat of dire consequences should he GET her #) and then me saying she and he had agreed on this: Child is to come to me for overnight this weekend from 3 PM to noon Sunday. We continue Wednesdays for the 3 hours. Easter we get him at 5 PM. (She gets church, dinner, easter activities....). Then several overnights in subsequent 3 weeks so she can do job related things plus social things. Then one whole week of daily care while spring break goes on. Then after that more little events requiring overnights. Then summer most days except for a couple day-camp ones and we take and pay for swim school. Now I have every intention of taking as good a care of this child as I am physically able. Yesterday, I put in over 10 hours with him, taking him to visit Dad then caring for him rest of day. She had not told me where she was going (just an "event") but assumed she would be back after his nap. Not so. I finally called and she was 45 miles away at some charity event and said she meant to be back by 4 but got detained. She said would you mind keeping him through dinner? What does one say? She's an hour away socializing, probably drinking???? It is OK for her, but not for anyone else. Anyway, She finally showed up around 7 PM. She even dresses so differently now than she used to and her attitude to me is>>>> I am BIG, you are LITTLE, you are of no consequence to me, you owe me because your son was such a disappointment, you are home all the time, you never go anywhere so what is the problem with keeping your grandson>>> she obviously doesn't say these things, but they are clearly acted out. She hasn't spoken to my sick husband since before Christmas. Not once. She will not look his direction. So I ask you, what do I do with this besides seethe? I KNOW I am allowing it to happen. But if I don't, it isn't just my son who will suffer...my husband and I will suffer because we won't see the child if she can arrange something else. I know that I am the catalyst in her plan of action. So long as I willingly take care of this child (and he gets superb care, discipline, love, healthy food, baths, reading, computer, bike rides, educational projects, and hugs hugs hugs)....he loves his PAPA and GRAMMY very much. And he loves his Daddy. He said yesterday when we left: Dada, you come too?? When Daddy said he had to work (the obvious excuse), he teared up. In the car he said "I so sad"......breaks your heart, it does. So, no, I can't quit on this child and that means doing what she practically demands.
I have talked to my son already about all this this morning. He is fine with it all. I did say :"the Easter thing is not logical; by 5 PM the child will be "eastered" out. So tell her we will do Easter things on Palm Sunday, this Sunday when he is here". Son said he would "write her a note Wednesday"...his only means of communicating.
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. There aren't any clear-cut answers. The only way this will ever end soon is if I get ill again or if I move....I just don't know how to let go of my grandchild. I have learned quite a bit of detachment from my son and I have set boundaries in that relationship. I just can't seem to do those boundaries with her. I know for a fact that I just can't face her reaction (anger, vindictive behavior, etc.) if I decide to face her. She is not normal in this respect. She will discuss nothing with anyone, be it relative, store clerk, fellow worker. She is one of those who is always always RIGHT and if ever proven wrong, wouldn't admit it ever. I just don't know how to cope with someone like she has turned out to be. And the awful thing is, I used to think she loved me because I surely loved her in the beginning. Then this personality turned up. WOW!!
You said it yourself, "there aren't any clear cut answers" on this one. It sounds like son gave up most rights when he signed the divorce papers, but you could talk to an attorney and see what rights you have as a grandparent, the law has gotten better about that lately. I know you want to be a part of your grandson's life, as it should be, just use the slogan "Think" before dealing with this woman and make your boundaries clear. I wish I had more e,s&h to give you on this matter, but take care of you and pray for the enlightenment of how to handle things and your HP will show you the way.
I guess it's going to be what it is until your son decides to take the reigns. He has rights as a Father and until he pursues them this most likely will continue. Of course the X-DIL is acting this way. She's been allowed to. I'm sure she sees no reason to change when it's working for her. What would she do with the Grandchild if you stepped out? She might change her tune then.
Your son as far as you've said has never put the child in danger, therefore could fight the BS of you being the mediator. Were there no set visitation days in the decree? (very odd) If I were him I'd find a lawyer (they will take payments) to establish visitation on his own (she will have to prove there is a problem/danger to keep it as is), negotiate visitation on certain days and alternate holidays. She will have to abide by court rules or be in contempt.
He has nothing to fear. If she tries to keep him from seeing the child and won't allow you to have the child while he attempts to change things... if it is in the divorce decree as currently written , she will be in contempt.
Now, if son refuses to do anything for himself... I understand how hard this is for you but you have every right to say to X-DIL that you would prefer to negotiate instead of being ordered by her. She chose you as mediator so actually YOU have the upper hand. I have a feeling she needs you more then you think. Her life would change drastically as far as her social life if you weren't around. Can you imagine her taking him to a day care, paying for it and showing up hours late? Wouldn't happen. How about dipping your toes in to having some rules of your own? What's she going to do, try to stop all visitation? As I said, legally she cannot if visitation is written in the divorce decree. She's not more powerfull then the court system. Or YOU!!!! YOU call the shots for your time (((omajoy))) not her!!
Take care, Christy Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
it may be hard to acknowledge, but perhaps your ex-daughter-in-law is doing the best she can. it sounds like she has a "no-contact" order, which is usually only ordered in domestic violence cases. it may be hard to see, but your son, regardless of if he drinks around the child or not, is drinking -- and will affect the child. the best ESH i could give for him to improve his situation with the child is to get himself enrolled in a "state approved" alcohol and/or anger management program. after successful completion, i have seen the courts remove the "supervised visitation".
god, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, courage to change the things i can,
with love, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Her anger might be at son and angry behavior might not be directed at you exactly. I know I miss my ex-mother in law. She wasn't perfect and was way to "parenting" of her adult son, thus he never grew up but she was a kind person, good to her grandchildren always wanting to cook meals and have us together, before the divorce of her son. When I left her son (due to his having no job and excessive use of cocaine with his Girlfriend and telling me he did not intend to get a job or break it off with her) anyway.. I left him for good reasons but she just could not see that as acceptable. She got very defensive and treated me like I just randomly divorced him. So now we don't talk, she was such a great loving mother-in-law, till I "hurt" her son. So maybe deep down this girl still loves you and is just hurt and angry at your son and maybe someday you guys could be friends again but she would most likely have to accept that you will always want to defend your son (as parents we always want to protect and defend our children) and you might have to accept that she is always gonna be really angry with him? Maybe even unrightfully so? But if you both could accept those things perhaps you could work in the best interest of the child?
There are no restraining orders in our situation. There is no domestic violence and no abuse. There is no drug use. There is no criminal background. So how did he get into this mess? Strictly through his own ignorance of the law and his extreme trust that the woman he loved wouldn't hurt him in the divorce. Now he knows better. But that is not the relvant issue here: The issue I posted was HOW DO I DEAL WITH THE SITUATION WHEN I HAVEN'T YET LEARNED TO SAY NO? And with that I answered the question, didn't I?
Thanks and I consider the post over and done. Just needed vent space this morning and got it. I am making my own decision and will live with them.
I have two grandchildren, my oldest daughter's children, 7 and 12 years old.
My daughter is an active alkie/addict.
She lost custody of the children a few years back after she overdosed in front of them. Their father now has permanent custody of them.
Every time my daughter has ended up jail, he swears she will never see them again. We've all heard that time and time again.
My daughter is a rage-aholic in addition to everything else, and he'd rather bow to her than stand up to her, regardless of the consequences to the kids.
So, needless to say, every time she's out of jail, off the kids go to her every weekend because she demands it.
That puts me in a position to deal with her if I want to see the grandchildren on weekends during the school year.
Do I like it? Absolutely not.
However, I have learned to cherish the times that I do have with the grandkids.
Alexandria will be 13 this summer and is now approaching the age where there are times she doesn't prefer to go for the weekend and doesn't. Johnathan seems to roll with the punches and see his mother.
Their stepmother had actually left for several months to live with relatives as she was tired of trying to fight for those kids and what was best for them, while the passive father did nothing.
She is back and in the home now, which is a blessing as I can clear visitation through her.
How long that will last, I don't know.
I just live a day at a time, and as I said before, cherish the times I do have with the grandkids.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Detachment is a real art. I choose daily to detach rather than get into resentments. I have enough resentments to work through without geting any more.
Detach when you feell like you absolutely cannot detach. Maresie.
I'm so frustrated right along with you in this situation, I have been in the middle of this same kind of thing with my A and his ex gf and their son. I have been reading from the beginning and it seems to be a neverending downhill battle! I don't understand why your son doesn't get a lawyer and fight? I KNOW this could be resolved by simply going back to court on the custody issue and getting joint custody or at least a court ordered visitation schedule. It doesn't seem that there is ANY reason to require supervised visitation and it is merely a conrtol issue on her part. Usually the guy's mom is not a sufficient supervisor in the court's eyes, I think this needs to be revisited. He could get an attorney and do a regular schedule. He still has the power to change this!
