The material presented
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I promise I am not trying to play devil's advocate. You all have just given me a lot to think about and as I do more questions arise. I hope you all will see I am just trying to process it all and have patience with me. :) So many of your posts refer to choice..in terms of would he choose you? Or does he ever choose you? Is it not more important in what I choose...meaning that even if he wouldn't choose me in similar circumstances or in different circumstances for him...is it not more relevant and important for me to focus on the fact that right now I am making a choice- that is a choice to choose him in spite of all the issues. By saying that I mean that tomorrow I might make another choice, but right now it is okay to choose to love him and support him in spite of what he may or may not do?
I think I was asked "would he choose you?" exactly once. I didn't understand what they were asking. I still don't really. Maybe it was a way of getting me to put the focus back on me? I don't know. For me, it just made me feel worse about myself (NOT what I needed at the time). I took what I liked and left that question behind and growing in this program has answered this question for me. Today, I could care less if I am someone he would choose. Ofcourse I was someone he chose and I never want to be that again. For me it is NOT about who chooses me, it is ALL about whom I choose. All my life I thought if someone "chose" me then I had to go along with it. If they said they "loved" me, then I HAD to love them back. Forget about what I wanted, didn't want. I had no sense of boundries or that I had a choice in the matter. Would a sick, mentally depraved, criminal CHOOSE me? Um, unforutunatly, yes. Why? Because he saw me as a target, he saw that he could get out of me exactly what he wanted. Maybe the question was meant more as "would he choose you? then change yourself so that he won't want you and save yourself!" LOL! I have no clue. But Yes, Code, you have the choice everyday to love him, to hate him, to feel indifferent. That is within YOUR power.
Good post, and yes, in my opinion, you are exactly right, as this is YOUR choice.
This is why I get my back up when I read (hopefully well intentioned) posts giving stay/leave advice on this board, with the underlying insinuation that leave = strong and stay = weak.
Each of us has a different set of circumstances and reality that is unique to us....
Thanks for posting.
T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
It's absolutely your choice. You can even choose your choice! LOL There are many to choose from.
If I may....I can try to tell you what is wrong with the other question, "would he choose me?" The simple answer is He Can't. Alcohol is such a driving force physically and mentally that I don't think any of us could possibly understand how deep that river flows. My A attempted many, many times to quit, most likely for me rather then him. But his body would literally not allow it!! It had nothing to do with what he wanted or what I wanted. Alcohol can take such a hold that without ingesting it daily, it can physically kill them. It took me a loooong loooong time to understand that. Actually, my A was on his death bed when "I got it". His body revolted in every way possible. When the body is used to a chemical and it gets removed, the body has no idea what to do and all hell breaks loose. This doesn't happen with everyone but that urge and fear I'm sure is there in every case, and there is for sure a physical reaction in every case. At the very least a high anxiety. At worst (besides death), it'd be what I watched my A endure. He was hospitalized 2x, his organs began to shut down and he was in renal failure. I almost wish everyone of us could see it happen. There would be much less resentment on our part. From that moment on I was able to absolve all resentment. Don't get me wrong, I'm sad when I think of all the good times lost to my family due to the disease. But I no longer harbor 20 yrs of resentment. What a load off for me!!!!!
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
wow what great posts Christy, Seren and CG!!! I know for a fact that A's are incapable of choosing, just as Christy said. And I agree with Seren that in order to keep the focus on myself my only concern are my choices not anyone elses. And CG, yes, we do have a choice each and every day, every minute and I totally agree that we each have our own unique circumstances and that the staying/leaving is our own personal decision.
I, myself, for all my spouting about keeping the focus on me, am still legally married. I have not made any choices about whether to stay married or get divorced. I am not ready to make that decision yet. While he and I are not living together, we are still legally married. I know that when the time comes to make that decision, I will be prepared and I will make the right choice for myself. I may bring my thoughts about this choice here to this board. I will ask you guys some questions. But I certainly would never ask you guys to make the choice for me and I know (lovingly) that if I did ask you guys to do that you would (lovingly) remind me that the CHOICE IS MINE (god, I love this program)!
Code, no one knows what its like inside your relationship with your A. No one knows what its really like inside of any relationship. All we can do for you is love you and accept you as you are. Hugs, J.
To me recovery is about taking back your life. It's living the life you choose and so richly deserve. It's taking no prisoners. Obviously that means making the choices that is in your best interest. So do what is best for you. That's what taking back your life is. Making the choices that is best for you. If you choose to be with him and that's what you want, so be it. If you choose to be on your own. So be it. GO FOR IT! Don't let anybody talk you into something because they want you to choose what they think is best for you. We are not in your shoes. We are not here to judge, but offer you love and support. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I think Karilynn brings up an important point - are your choices good for you? Do they lead you closer to serenity, to a life lived to the fullest, to joy? If you feel that they are, then they are most likely the right choices. However, if you are choosing what you think is best for HIM, rather than for yourself, then it is easy to get off track.
Really, you know the difference between healthy and unhealthy. Strive toward making healthy choices, and they become easier with practice.
