The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Spent part of today going through (and shredding) all of my journals about my relationship with my A-bf and going through (and tossing out) all of the cards that he had ever given to me.
I have been grieving the loss of our relationship for so long now that I don't even know exactly when "the loss of our relationship" started. The insidiousness of it all! Today was just another step in the grieving process. I'm sad, but just can't seem to cry at this point.
I don't want to do anything... I don't want to be with anyone. I isolate. I have no schedule. My home is a wreck. I sleep as much as I possibly can to "escape" thinking. All I do is work, sleep, watch TV & walk the dogs. That's pretty much it. Oh, and read on this website. And read AlAnon literature.
Today I went and helped my sister & her friend each pick out a puppy from a litter of 6. I am a dog NUT! And this was something that I normally would enjoy immensely. We did well... picked the perfect pups and left. Got to the house, gave the pups their first baths. Then I high-tailed it on out of there so that I could run home and isolate and sleep some more.
Everyday I tell myself that I need to exercise more; that I need to get out of the bed before every muscle in my body atrophies. Everyday I say to myself that I will do that "tomorrow." But with all this sleeping, and no schedule at all (except for work), I can't tell "today" from "tomorrow." It is all running together.
I know I am doing it wrong right now... and that I am not healthy. I know I should be movin' and a groovin'... splishin' and a splashin'! I just don't have the motivation right now. P-shawwwwwwww!
I know exactly how you feel. I can say it comes and goes but I have been where you are where it seems like it never goes. I call out to HP give him my issues then "blink" my eyes and "take them back"> BUT he is still there even when I do. So he then gave me the peace I need to get up and get started on my day. So here I am saying good morning to you praying you will find some glimer of hope to go on even if it's baby steps at first. You are right to get out with family, make yourself exercise if only a little. I can tell you from my experience this morning that even when we can't see anyway it can be better he can make it better. I am trying to learn from Alanon that "better" depends on me and not some anyone else and that strength comes and goes. F2Face meetings will help I promise. Please try to find one today. If you think you can't take the time out trust me the hour or so it takes seems to multiply itself and give me more productive time and attitude. I know how a broken heart feels and I know how it feels to struggle with Ah issues. The two together seem unbearable But NOTHING is impossilbe with Higher Power
It will come ESH. The peace will return along with the joy of life. You are experiencing the same grief process one endures when a loved one dies. And it takes a long, long time.
Allow yourself this time of grief, and do not try to hurry it on its way. Only in this way can you fully recover.
My positive energy is with you. Take good care.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
ESH, I can so relate to your post. I remember when NOTHING interested me whatsoever. I slept all the time. I could not believe that nothing gave me any joy. It was a very dark time. But I can tell you today, I am not there any more at all. Grief is a long process. I believe its better to ride it out than to try to get yourself to "do" anything. My ESH is to roll with it, go down, feel the loss and it sounds like that is exactly what you are doing by going through the old mail, etc. Just tunnel on through. Its one of the toughest jobs but its the best and quickest way out to the other side.
There is so much pressure on us not to feel or grieve. Our society is such a nightmare in this way. Its almost "un-american" to be unhappy, I swear. But there are times that its completely appropriate and OK in order to work through some things. Be good to yourself and honor what you are dealing with and going through. You are going to be OK, its a season. Hugs, J.
