The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
At a loss for what to do, I started writing, and ended up with a letter to a woman who is neither friend nor family, but has put me in the middle of this nonetheless.
"How could you put so much into lying to the world that there's no room left for those who think you are the world? With every lie you build a wall, separating those who truly care, in order to enable yourself to continue. Your daughter is forever a victim and your grown son conceals the silent tears running down his freckled cheek as your husband plays out a strikingly mournful tune on the piano. Each chord is happy, yet distant, revealing a story of good times forever lost. A love turned to lies and the perfect suburban family in shambles. The flag outside the front door, the careful interior decor, pictures of smiling faces strewn in every corner. All expertly plucked out of the depths to perpetuate your lies. It's all a lot more translucent than you might think. I have no respect for you. For a middle aged woman, making disparaging comments. Do you feel threatened? You should. I'm stronger than you. I am one of the forces propping up the child you knock down. I wipe away the tears running down that trusted and much cared for face, and hold back my own, there's nothing else to be done. You won't make it better. Once, I was preoccupied with what you thought. I desired approval from a hard worker, a good mother, an honest and somewhat comical human being. It's all so clear to me now. I see a weak old woman, escaping her own problems with alcohol and trickery, and ruining everyone around her by the same means. I've learned so much from you."
I just don't know what to do. I'm in a place where my opinion isn't wanted and most probably don't know that I'm aware, but I feel crazy trying to sit back and do nothing while others suffer so much.
I wish that I had some words of comfort for you... I do want to know that I read your post and that I winced at your very accurate description and insight of yet another sad situation. It's especially hard when children are involved. You are in my thoughts.
Your letter is beautiful and eloquent-- but most likely to fall on deaf A ears. As you might know-- or will learn from the people on this board and in Alanon rooms-- we can't cause, control or cure this disease. Only the A can, if they are willing. What you can do- support those affected by the disease (which it sounds like you are very involved in!) encourage them to get involved in alanon, and take care of yourself.
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
I almost cried when I read your letter, it was so beautifully written, but i'm afraid I agree with gknee that it would fall on deaf ears with the A. I did recognize a parallel to my own life however, I put a lot of energy into lying to the world when I was married to my A, so much so that the secretary where I worked couldn't believe that we were getting divorced, we seemed like the perfect couple. I had perpetuated a lie. I had no respect for myself when I came into this program and I had hurt my child through my actions. I am not an A, I am an al-anon, and through years of work I can see now how damaging my actions were to the family and how the disease of alcoholism effected all of us. I pray for your situation and remember you didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it.
Thanks so much for the helpful feedback. And no, I don't intend to give the letter to her or anything, it was just a good release.
The A is my boyfriend's mom. He and I have been dating about a year and a half and we're really close. We're both 18 years old, by the way. The problem has gone on for years but my boyfriend just found out a couple of weeks ago. After he found out, he described it as everything kind of falling in to place, which was crushing to hear in and of itself. Now he's dealing with the sudden acute awareness of her alcoholism and his parents marital issues.
It hurts me to see him suffering and I guess I was just at a loss for what to do. I'm trying to provide support for him, but it's hard to always be there when I'm hurting too. I'd love to be able to create some miraculous speech to give her that would make her see the light and decide to get treatment, but now I know that there is no such speech.
A couple of questions: Am I being a drama queen or selfish to be so affected when he's the one living with the problems all the time? I can't get over how hard I've taken this news. And, how should I act around his mom? I feel compelled to pretty much ignore her existance, yet it doesn't feel like that would be a very good idea...
