I have vented on here quite a few times. Nothing has changed. nothing.

What has changed is I give up. No worries please, I don't expect anyone to do anything or suggest anything. Believe me I have problem solved to death. Hav e worked  hard on this.

I used to: have a home, a loving mate, my kids, mother, family,friends.

someone to tell everything to hope,dreams, goals,desires.

It is all phoney. Have not been happy since my AH, my other pea in the pod, went away. My spirit/soul mate. He was almost the last to go away. Mom went away too. she was helping me to go on. She died too. Everyone died.

I had a home I owned, hot and cold water in the bathroom sink. Water from a faucet. A toilet, heat. A roof that did not leak, a floor that was normal tile and warm. cement walkways, a clean front yard,beautiful flowers and garden. people to talk to, people to tell everything to. People who needed me, who I loved to help.

Had a career, a great time being a teacher.

laughed, had fun. I don't know what laughter, happiness or fun are anymore. I don't have a home. I exist. It isn't that I don't appreciate what I do have. I do. that has nothing to do with love, or lack of it.

When my husband went away and was taken away, my heart broke and it will never heal apparently.

When you love someone all your life, how can it  heal. How can it  heal when time after time in a persons life, her loved ones die or just go away?

You never know what the disease can do to your life. Aism is a horrible thing. When all you had left was your mate, and aism takes it away, all ya do is exist. For what?

I know I would off myself if I didn't love the creator I believe in so much. I know what is coming and I know things will be better.

It says there will be great tribulation, times very hard to deal with. The Bible is my belief. I am doing the very best I can.

am so tired of being a phoney. trying to smile and trying to say oh I am ok.

I take myself away from the town I lived in. Had wanted to move back. It is impossible. Even if I did,my friends are all happily married. I cannot beleive I am here.

I always appreciated what I had. I had a good income alone and a better one with my ah. I volunteered, I always bought what little kids were seling. I always gave to charities. He and I dressed my students who had crummy cloths. My mother always sent boxes of apples and oranges to my students.

Now I am in such a uncomfortable place where living is so hard. so hard. Everything a person does up here is hard. I am in pain most the time. I can take that. But I am also older now. I am on disability, with a very small income.so small I cannot afford to live in my own house.
I tried the renting a room. Ended up with nuts. I hated it.

My pickup is thirty years old. It hurts me badly to sit and drive it. the doors are hard to open, the window is stuck open, its cold. I have to keep the gas on when I stop or it will die.

with the osteo erosive errosive arthritis, my fingers don't work right. I drop things a lot. and since i live up here, everything gets mud on it. I have it in every joint. When you have this disease, your tendons, ligaments and muscles tear.

I hate pain meds. I do my best not to take them. they make me so depressed I am afraid to go there.

I used to have a new pickup and a new jeep.

I have a hose to my antique bath tub that has warm water. I have hot and cold to the washer.

No hot water in kitchen, I have a hose coming from outside to a utility sink in the corner. I warm up water in a huge pan to wash dishes and the floor.

My fourteen by sixteen roomis insulated then covered with black plastic. Part of the floor has vinyl. I tried to have carpet, but I cannot with dogs in here. I need them to feel safe. I wash their feet off, but they are dogs.

In one  corner I have hung some lace above the bed. I always have my bed pretty with quilts and have a feather bed and feather comforter and pillows.

In another corner is my parrot and the cockatiels under here. then the utility sink, a dresser then my antique mirror to the ceiling, the stove, an antique buffet, with shelves I sat on it for food, next wall the refridgerator, then a wardrobe for my cloths, then my antique hutch, next wall I made with cedar board and has a neat shelf for my jewelry books and stuff. then the door out then my bed. there are big windows on every wall.

The addition leaks, can' tuse it but it could be a sitting room that looks to a glorious view. Behind that is a big room with my washer and dryer and the tub.

the hot water heater is falling thru the floor. Leaks in there badly. No heat. very cold when I shower. Cannot just take a shower whenever I want. I drag a heavy kerosene heater in there during the super cold days. ohter days I shower as fast as I can. I shower every day. In the summer I shower outside when the hoses are hot. I love that.

If my mother saw how I lived, she would cry. If anyone who loved me saw  how I lived they would cry. Makes me cry.

If I had the credit I used to, it was perfect, my mother taught all of us that. gpa always said, do not go into debt. I would buy a normal vehicle, refi this house and buy a smaller one in the town I grew up in, make it handicapped accessible with handicapped handles to hold onto in the shower and tub.

i would buy some land put a septic and well in and build a large duplex.Rent one half to pay the payment. Make my side small. Build a nice barn and fence a pasture.

have warm water, uno.

I always worked hard. My kids are great citizens, they have integrity. I took care of my mother and many others who died in my arms.

I have never killed anyone, never been mean on purpose, would do about anything I could for anyone. What the heck did I do so wrong??? Its hard to believe that my life is what it is for no reason.

Every thing I think of I do. I problem solve, I work thru lifes obstacles.

Today I watched a movie, and I realized how unhappy I am. I saw what it was like to lose everything, and the woman who did, still had her home, food, friends. But she went insane and killed herself.

I don't even have that. What would make me have any desire to stay here??

I stay for Jehovah and I stay becuz my dog Tavish needs me and He is always there for me. He hangs onto me and I him.

If he dies, I will have nothing. I will not ever get this close to another animals.

I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. so I do. Yesterday I worked so hard I slept from four pm to six am the next morn.

still looks like I have done nothing.

I know the sky is beautiful. I know I love my silly parrot. My dogs are very clear that they love me. My horse gazes at me and talks to me. My pigs rub on me and if I sit down,try to sit on me.

I have a little silky chicken doodletwo, she loves to sleep next to me and put her head on my chest. Her husband doodle likes to be in here too. they have things on them so they cannot poo in here.

I don't think there is anything that can get thru to me.

Not anymore.My husband could, or could have. I want to call him and just see if he is there at all. see if he can tell me something. but I am so afraid that stranger with no heart is still there.

how can a disease take everything??? I know it does. I live it. My a's family is about all gone too.The disease took them or made them into horrible people.

this is what makes me stay here. I don't want anyone else to be in such a hard place. I want to offer from what i have learned. have our own income, put money away, get your own home, get your own vehicles and pay them off as fast as you can.

Have a safe place to go if he or she is abusive. Thank you God I did not have small children. I could have but I sent him away when I did. I should never have allowed him back,sober or not.

He was in a program for many years then. I had NO idea what I was dealing with.none.

I have a dnr and it better be respected. I mean if I ever get to die.

It can get this bad. it can.

gotta go out in the f ing mud and get my big dogs in.

I hope you have love,debilyn