The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First I would like to say hello to you all. I hope that I'm in the right place (I've been told that this is where I need to be). Let me give you some background real quick. My fiance and I are both addicts. I am currently in recovery while he is still in active addiction. We are pretty much at the end. We have been together for almost 6 years and have an amazing little boy who is 15 months old.
My fiance (Eddie) has been using for about 8 years. We began using together as freshmen in highschool. In that sense, it has proven very difficult for me to separate myself from him. I love this man more than anything in the world (other than my son obviously) and I don't know what to do anymore.
He is living in an Oxford House (its a recovery type halfway house) and still using. He's not showing up for work and today I believe he is going to lose his job. He did really well when he got out of rehab this last time, he went to the Oxford HOuse, we were going to AA/NA meetings every day and he was actively participating in our life together with our son. He relapsed on crack about a week ago. Ever since then he's been lying to me nonstop and I've been putting up with it. I know he's smoking pot and I'm almost positive he's smoking crack. Last night, he robbed a drug dealer (I heard this through a friend who called me at 1 oclock this morning) and didn't show up for work.
I went to his house and he screamed at me and told me to get out over and over and over again. He did the usual name calling and said that he didn't want to talk about it. At one point he even said that he didn't want to be with me. Then the next second he says he loves me.
Anyways, sorry so long but I need to know what to do. We've tried couples counseling. We both go to AA/NA meetings and nothings working for him. Is it time for me to let him go for a while and see what happens? Let him do this thing on his own the way I had to? Am I hurting him by trying to help so much? And why can't I stop? Why is his love for his son and his son's love for him not enough...I'll never understand it. I'm afraid because the more I go through, the more stressful it gets and I don't want to use again. Please help me.
By reaching out you are in the right place. You have a very difficult situation since you must continue to work on your own recovery, have this wonderful baby, and the father/partner unable to maintain sobriety. Very difficult.
The first step is to come here as often as you need. Eventually you will have responses to your situation and the ESH given you will prove valuable.
I just wanted to say hello and welcome to this very wonderful site. I am sorry that I have no real experience or comfort to give you. My siutation and reason for being here is my son who suffers from alcohol use and abuse. But I want you to know you will find help here from people who are in recovery for many years and who are very wise. Read and learn. And take it one small moment at a time. Be good to yourself and put yourself first since you are vital to the baby you so love.
Wow what a cool person you are for facing all these issues head on. You obviously intend to take care of your son and yourself. This is the only thing I can promise you is that you will not regret one moment with your son, one decision you make in his best interest. Don't know the answer to letting go as I am struggling with that myself but I know as long as I go to f2f meetings everything seems to make more sence and the tapes in my head don't play so loudly. I am praying for you today!
"Why is his love for his son and his son's love for him not enough"...
Ahhh, the question of the ages. If any type of love was enough, none of us would be here. We all have loved or do love our alcoholics. Sadly, "Nothing" is enough that comes from outside the alcoholics head.
If possible, try to move on from asking yourself that question. It is futile and will drive you nuts. When we continue to ask ourselves, eventually we come to the mistaken conclusion that the alcoholic doesn't love us or their children enough or they would stop the insanity. Not so. Who isn't loved enough is himself, and how can you force someone to love themself? It's why we say "let go and let God." We are powerless. If he is ever going to stay in recovery it will be totally his choice, never will you find the one sentence or deed that will make him stop.
It must be very difficult for you to be in recovery and at the same time be on this side of the fence too. We suffer from our own disease of thinking we can help or change the alcoholic. Sometimes we go to extremes to do so only to find we have lost ourselves along the way.
Alanon helps you hold on to or find yourself, whichever the case. As in your current recovery process, there is work to be done here too. My best suggestion is to dive in. Attend meetings and begin.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Is this the kind of life you want for yourself and your lovely, innocent little son? I can hardly think so. A sweet baby in harm's way because Daddy uses crack cocaine is not a happy scenario. Robbing a drug dealer sounds like it might carry with it some hard time. And any man who tells me to get out need not say it twice.
I am at a loss to understand why anyone would knowingly toss a good life aside for what is obviously in store by sticking with a man like this. Your first concern must be for the welfare of your baby. Second concern is your own future.
As the other have said, welcome to MIP. I am sorry you have this devastating problem to deal with, and I hope that you will be guided to the right decisions, whatever they are for you.
With great concern and caring,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
You love your son more than your addict, probably more than anything in the world - your addict is putting you in danger of using again and thus possibly losing your son.
Seems pretty cut and dry to me.
Sometimes when we're sinking we just have to let go of the weight so we can float to the surface.
Hi... welcome to MIP.... your questions are great ones, and ones that many of us have struggled through.... None of us are qualified to tell you to stay or go....In my opinion, all you can do right now is focus on you and your son, and YOUR recovery. Read books, go to meetings, learn everything you can of what you can do for you..... One book I would highly recommend to you would be "Getting Them Sober", volume one, by Toby Rice Drews.... It will answer many of these questions for you....
There is an old saying that I love to quote....
"he will either drink (or use/rage/etc) or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
Take care of you.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I just wanted to send you a (((((hug))))) and reiterate what others have said....take care of YOU and your child. I have been right where you are and it is crazymaking. Just keep moving forward, one step at a time and have faith that this too shall pass. The thing I regret the most is how much energy and attention my A/crackhead sucked from me. That much less for the kids. And he is an adult so, how important is he in comparison to a child who's life is currently being adversely effected by drugs and alcohol. You have the ability to protect and save yourself and your child. You have NO ability to protect or save your A so, why waste your energy on him? Look at your child and do whatever it takes to keep him safe and you sane.
Welcome to the MIP family. You are most certainly in the right place. Here you will find great experience, hope, wisdom, strength and laugher (good for the ). Let me congratulate you on your recovery. That's a very hard road you travel. I don't know if I could do it. As an addict you know the the old saying: an addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do, sober or not. There's nothing you can do about. You know that when you were using that love had very little reason to do with anything. You used because you're an addict. You have a disease that doesn't let you love anything or anyone, until you get sober.
What you can do is to take care of yourself and that darling baby of yours. Recvery has to be about you and for you, regardless if he chooses sobriety or not. It's about taking back your life. It's about living strong and living the life you and your baby so richly deserve. Alanon has some great tools to use in order to help you make decisions that are in your best interest. Please find some local face to face meetings and join us here. You are always welcome. Continued success on your recovery. Much love and blessings to you are your baby.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <-- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I think there's a lot of wise information in here.
If it were me, I think I'd have to practice detachment, for my sake and the sake of my baby. You focus on YOU for now - keep up your AA/NA meetings, and attend Al-anon meetings as well to learn how to not allow yourself to take on the role of caretaker for your addict. You must be YOUR and your child's caretaker. Your addict needs to work his own recovery.
I was reading between the lines, and when you wrote that your fiance was screaming at you to get out, I saw shame there, on his part. He knows deep down he's stuck in a mire of misery, and perhaps he was in a rare moment of decent selflessness where he was trying to push you away for your own good.
Thank your HP for that. Allow your addict his space, because he cannot recover successfully if you're there hovering over him trying to make sure he's doing it. (How on earth do you make sure another person is recovering correctly, anyhow???)
Do you have a sponsor yet?
Keep up the meetings. Keep working the steps. If you have a sponsor, keep working with your sponsor. You may even want to get an Al-anon sponsor on top of your AA/NA sponsor(s). There's no such thing as too many sponsors!
I'll tell you what a friend told me not long ago, and I shared it here.
Your life depends on it. Your life depends on your meetings, working the steps, and keeping in touch with your sponsor(s).
Take care of you and get yourself into that glorious place where regardless what happens with your addict, you and your child are going to be okay. Your happiness does not balance upon whether your addict recovers or not. Your happiness balances on YOUR recovery.
Welcome to this group. I came here more than 3 years ago completely at the end of my tether. I lived with an addict/alcoholic. Every other word was a lie. We had a home, a truck which I paid for, a car and more. We had a life. Gradually over time it became clear that the life was held up by me and my supreme efforts. I started to focus on me. I stopped second guessing the A's lies. I lived in here, day and night. I read the archives and more. I went to meetings here.
I can completely understand why you feel you "need" him and love him. I was incredibly attached to the A. I learned very many valuable skills here, detachment, turning it over, working out my part, focusing on me rather than the chaos the A brought to me. I work on those skills daily.
For one I am not going to judge you for being with him no one around me could fathom why I was with the A. Getting up and going took me a while, I made a plan b (what it was that I needed to leave) I polished that. I raged, I grieved. Eventually I left, I did not do it overnight I did it after a long time and after a real sense that I was not going to get my needs met with him.
The A I was with did not attempt sobriety, he did lie, he did manipulate and he was abusive. He had one emergency after another.
Keep coming here and working on what is going on for you. Go to meetings (al anon) and plough through the archives here. There is tremendous opportunity in this board to learn and grow and evolve and thrive despite the odds against you.
). Let me congratulate you on your recovery. 
That's a very hard road you travel. I don't know if I could do it. As an addict you know the the old saying: an addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do, sober or not. There's nothing you can do about. You know that when you were using that love had very little reason to do with anything. You used because you're an addict. You have a disease that doesn't let you love anything or anyone, until you get sober. 