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um ok...so while I was making a reply post just a few minutes ago the woman called...the fellow AA member from the far away group....wanting to speak to him, when I told her he wasn't here she apologized for bothering me but was just wondering if he was coming out there tonight to the meeting....I told her I had no idea what he was doing that he was at a friends house. She said she didn't want him to get lost....yada yada yada I'm just wondering if the Big Guy is testing me (or him) somehow with this...
I don't expect him to tell me everything that's going on with the people he knows and whatnot....but some kind of communication would be nice as far as meeting new people.....(by the way, he didn't meet her at a meeting, he met her through myspace...which could be where my problem stems from).....I don't know all the people who go to the meetings he does, but I know some/most of them because I've gone to a few with him to get a better insight on the disease and how other's deal with it....there are some VERY attractive ladies there....but I have no problem with him talking to them....now that I'm typing this, I do think that's why I've been having such a problem with this....I'm not worried about him cheating....he learned his lesson with getting "involved" with people in AA/NA.....that's where he met his last ex.... wow....this was pretty cool....I figured it out!!!Thanks for letting me vent Jennifer
Jennifer: I am glad that you were able to work that through--amazing how posting really does help us. I did want to share some of my ES&H for what it's worth.
Living with my then-active AH caused me to (among other things) ignore my "gut." He was so good at lying and I was so "committed" to making things work out in my head that I lost track of my instincts. Since I've been in Al-Anon, I have worked hard at trusting my instincts and living in reality.
Early in his sobriety, and before he started working a program of recovery, my AH switched his addiction from alcohol to another person that he met in rehab. He went to tons of meetings when he got out but it was more social than anything else. I was never invited. I learned later that it was much easier for him to focus on someone else than to deal with his own mess and his own recovery. This person was going through a divorce, had emotional issues as well as addiction issues and was begging to be rescued.
I knew something wasn't right, but I was afraid that he'd relapse if I said anything. Hell, I was afraid to say anything because I was still afraid of everything. So, I lived with the suspicions and lies for a good six months before we separated. During that time, I got more and more angry and resentful and we began fighting like we did during the drinking days. After we separated, this person relapsed a few times and as a result, my AH got a sponsor and really started working on his recovery. I also got a sponsor and started really focusing on my own recovery. I can see now that the other person served a purpose, but it was very painful.
I would encourage you to communicate your concerns to your partner and to get everything out in the open. Resentments are a killer both for the A and for us.
Yours in recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Hi Jennifer, I am always one who feels we need to trust our intuition. You are experiencing what are called red flags. We need to pay attention to this.
As I read your posts I feel you are doing your best to talk yourself out of being concerned over your A's behavior.
Myself, in my experience, for a woman to call a man who has a girlfriend, lives with her, is very inappropriate. To me she is stepping over a boundary.
For him to give out your phone number is a major red flag.
Then he is driving a long ways to a meeting where she is, to me is another red flag.
What is cheating to me, he is.How would he feel if some guy was calling you? Just because she goes to AA is no excuse to do this.
She is not going to AA for just a program. If she was why is she concerned about HIM?
When an A goes to a meeting, it is not to go see a woman. If it is they are 13 stepping, very frowned upon in twelve step programs.
I read all your posts,I can feel something very wrong happening if you and your man are working on a relationship.
Also I would invite you to stop being concerned about him. He will do what he does. You however, may want to prepare to be independant.
I believe if a person is with an A, they need to set up their life as if he was not there. I mean finances, vehicle, home,etc. NO signing loans or anything with him or her.
They have a bad disease,gets worse.Prepare now, before you lose everything. I wish someone would have told me this.
Use my experience. A lady with her own home,two nice vehicles etc. Marrys A,loses everything,credit ruined.
I have been living in a sun room at the end of my barn for over a year now. I cannot afford to live in the main house. I rent it and another rental on my property.
Mahalo Nui, Muchos Gracias, Thanks alot....JenniferN!!
One of the really big awarenesses I had in recovery came while I was blaming her for all the infidelity and right in the middle of, "when she drinks she will go to bed with every Tom, Dick and Harry........and Jerry." Yep I put myself back into the reality of my disease. She didn't choose me. I chose her. She didn't choose Mr. Right...just Mr. Different. I was just more of the same. How very true and humbling.
