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Well, the A called me last night from jail. He apparently has been written up 3 times in 24 hours. To hear him told, of course, it really is for nothing he did. Anyway, he may be in "lock down" for the next month - which would solve the whole answering the phone issue. My problem today is a reaction I had to our phone call. We talked for a while then I let him use my phone "3 ways" to call his brother. I told him I was going to lay the phone down, but then curiousity got the best of me and I started listening in some. At one point he was letting other guys call their sig others though they weren't home. Then he started talking to his brother about the one of the girls he was "with" prior to jail who just got out of jail herself and has some money of his. Anyway, she apparently came looking for him at his brother's and found out he was in jail. Long story short they ended up calling her "4way." Though they only got to talk 60 seconds. Understand that the A and I are not in a romantic relationship right now so technically I have no reason to be upset that he called her- except that I was. I text messaged his brother and told him that I did not intend to use my money for him to talk to her. He responded that the A just wanted to get his money back that was in her inmate lock up. I texted back "It is what it is." He questioned what I meant and I responded that It is my new slogan and went on to say that I was going to see the A on Friday because I wanted to see him, but that I was going to tell him to take my name off so that she could come visit. Today I called the brother and apologized for taking out my anger that I was just irritated when I heard her on the phone, but that of course I had no reason to be upset if they talked- on her dime that is- and that I just heard her say that she wanted to visit and the A mentioned that he put me down so I could go. I had to leave a message and still feel badly that I vented so much to the A's brother. I have been paranoid that she would come back around and he would regret listing me for visitation instead of her- so maybe I am insecure here. I just don't know but feel horrible- I know I told me so. I am stressed about going to see him tomorrow now too- feeling all kinds of self- doubt. Would appreciate any words of insight. Thanks family!
ugh! it was rude of him to use you to call other people! No your not jealous or insecure. I hate that for you that you doubt yourself. My A has had me believeing I was insecure and then I realize ONLY with or about him so what does that tell me? It tells me being with an A is an insecure situation and I'm smart to notice that! So go to as many f2f meetings as you can and as for me I'm gonna work hard at developing some (girl) friends that don't find it necessary to label me or make me feel bad about myself because of their crazy situations. Hey he's the one in jail!
You remind me so much of me years ago. I have wished many times that I could just take hard earned knowledge and impart it to someone else thru osmosis, saving them from having to go through it themselves. I guess that's part of my problem though now isn't it LOL. I have gotten these 3 way calls from jail before after I decided I'd stop paying for collect calls. They always find a way when they want to don't they? I thought it was funny when you said he may be on lockdown for a month, made me think HMMMMM HP stepping in perhaps? He's in jail, that didn't stop you, he's calling collect when you're broke, that didn't stop you so now...... LOCKDOWN... Are you reading the message there?
Every time I read your posts I think Good lord you're doing SO MUCH work for him! making him comfortable in jail and making sure he has money, making sure he gets to talk to his people despite the fact that THEY won't pay to talk to him, making sure that he gets seen by whomever, are you going to pick her up and drive her to the visit for him too? Sorry, not trying to be mean, just trying to point out the insanity of it all. Reminds me of that saying when you bum a cigarette and light and they say do you wan't me to smoke it for you too? LOL
I know I did this same thing for a long long time with two different men and I could probably try to tell you why I did these things but at the time I felt I HAD to, it was my responsibility. I'm here to tell you that it is NOT your responsibility. This guy is treating you like a total doormat and I want you to know that you can get up and brush yourself off and not lie down for it anymore!
Here's my question to you. What are you getting out of this? What's the payoff for you here? It isn't apparent because it looks like you're being bled dry but I know that there is ALWAYS a payoff. Sometimes it's that you get to feel like a savior, or it could be that you get to feel powerful and they are weaklings, I'm not sure but if you sit and really think on it. What am I getting out of this relationship. I'd love to hear about it because there IS something. Maybe if you can see this it will help you to see this situation more clearly than you are now.
I'm soooo good at allowing my AH to overstep my boundaries, too. All because I don't want him getting mad at me and I don't want to get into a fight. It is self-preservation when I do that - sometimes. But like my counselor has said, nobody ever makes progress with issues if they stay in their comfort zones.
What does that mean?
Well, it means I'm going to have to deal with getting in a fight with my AH every now and then by sticking up for myself and sticking to my boundaries. It'll SUCK. Big time. But at least boundaries will start to be established, I'll start feeling better about myself, and my AH will start to know better than to expect or request certain things from me.
Our A's are masters of manipulation. And so long as you keep allowing them to use you, they WILL. You're the path of least resistance, so they're going to take it.
Definitely ask yourself what the payoff is for you for allowing him to do things that in hindsight leave you angry, upset, hurt, irritated, etc.
Not only are they master manipulators, but they are control freaks. Mine's been sober for almost 8 months, but that doesn't stop him from controlling me and the things I can and can't do. And yes, I know it's partially my fault for allowing him to do so. He control's me with money and the fact that I don't have a job yet and he does. (I just finished a year at school that he paid for) I'm not quite sure what will happen when I do get a job and have my own money. But, back to the point (sorry I ramble sometimes) He's getting you to do all this stuff for him because he knows that you are "the fixer" and he's betting on that fact and winning everytime you pick up the phone or go see him or make sure he has what he needs while he's there. I agree with carolinagirl....I think the HP is trying to tell you something....you just have to choose IF you're going to listen, WHEN, and HOW.
(((((Co)))))) I COMPLETELY agree with what Carolinagirl posted. I, too, have been right where you are. Bending, bending, bending, until I was breaking - in the name of pleasing my A or loving my A or being there for my A or whatever you want to call it. He sucked me dry. I'm definitely not putting you down for your behavior, because believe me - I'm a heartbeat away from it myself. I've already been there and done that once - and God willing I won't ever go through it again. But it's hard.
Many years ago, my A went through a Salvation Army rehab program and was gone for several months. When he "came home", I had found an apartment for him (at least I was smart enough NOT to sign a lease for him), but I also found used furniture for that apartment. I helped him move a very large, very heavy sofa 1 month after I had a plate put in my shoulder (following a car accident). Yep. I was recuperating from surgery and carrying a huge sofa for him. (Hear me - I would have done anything for him.) Within 6 weeks, he had moved in with another woman. I was history.
Yet there I was 2 years ago, perfectly willing to allow this man back into my life. And if it weren't for HP who had moved my A 10,000 miles away from me, then I can assure you I would be right back where I started from with this man. HP put yours on lockdown.....HP moved mine to the other side of the globe. We're hard-headed women, aren't we???
Sure there's an anticipated "pay off" for loving these men. Our reasons may vary - but there's a pay-off of some sort that we're hoping for. No question. I have spent the past few months digging deep for what's going on with ME. I challenge you to do the same. We deserve better than this. We are loving people. We deserve the same in return.
((((Co))))))) There is nothing like getting a really good picture of what you are doing from others that are standing on the side lines, and CG is giving you her first hand lowdown on having BEEN THERE, DONE THAT. She has experience of the 'entrapment' of it all (I know that is a legal term but the very word says it all he is en-TRAP-ing you in his lock down).
HP has put him in there for a reason, your A has been taken OUT of society at this moment in time and given you the space to look to yourself. LOOK TO YOU...and don't follow him into his lock down, even if it is via all the things you are doing for him and fixing for him and the comforts you are sorting and the visits. How are you benefiting by doing all this for him? Are you benefiting from this? I don't think so...you are being dragged under and drained and been abused and being messed with.
HP will continue to remove him until you learn the lesson, that is one thing I have learned in this awful cycle of round and round we go.
God Bless,
__________________
"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
One thing I found I had to learn to do was to stop snooping. If I heard or saw something I didn't like, it would make me feel bad. If I DIDN'T find anything, I still didn't feel good, just felt "Oh, he hid it better this time". It's like I deliberately stacked the deck against myself. It wasn't until I just stopped playing that I started to find some serenity.
Keep the focus on you - what are you doing for the rest of the night?
I don't think you are either. I think you are reacting to a very sick, dysfunctional situation like any normal person would. I think you are secure and loving woman who doesn't have to do this anymore if she doesn't want to. I know the pain of the "other woman" crap. It hurts no matter what the relationship is "supposed" to be. The heart takes longer to catch up to the head. I can think of 10 other people off the top of my head who would feel hurt and disappointed with your A's behavior, myself included. You are ok, you are wonderful and beautiful and have a heart and lots of love to give.
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