The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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It took me a mintute to figure out if that is what I was feeling...disappointed...and yes, it is....not in me, of course in him. He was just talking about getting some computer work done here at home and the guy doing it won't be available until after Mike is gone this afternoon. He's going to get a new tattoo and to hopefully see his son and then to that meeting with that woman who called the other day. He said something about not sure if I would be comfortable with the guy here while he's gone, and I said I was wanting to go with him today. He said he wasn't going to be back until around 10 tonight and I said yes I know, that's why I want to go with you. He didn't say anything. I told him if he didn't want me to go, he just had to say so, that I wasn't going to have a fit or anything. He hasn't said anything. I know he doesn't want me to go because of going to that meeting later. And knowing that, I feel sick to my stomach right now. It's not that I don't trust him, because he's never given me a reason not to trust him. It's just the rejection. And I'm trying my absolute hardest not to develop an attitude right now. But it is very difficult. And I absolutely HATE feeling like this!!!! The only thing that comes to mind is to meditate. To sit and talk with the Big Guy about it. Perhaps that's what I'll do now. Thanks for letting me vent. Jennifer
Sometimes, my amount of disappointment is directly proportional to my amount of expectations. Or, it might also be a case of lack of communication. My experience. Not assumption.
i can only give you my ESH. I have to maintain daily contact with my expectations and also my fantasies in any relationship. When I am in touch with them I am much more able to monitor my disappointments.
Ok, I'm all caught up on you now... :) Here's my take. Either he's going to cheat or he's not and just like the drinking there's nothing you can do about it except work on you. So if you think about it like that, there's really no point in dwelling on it. Perhaps you should get out and do something for you tonight, go out with a friend, pamper yourself... etc.
I dunno, my ESH is to ask again and really look closely at my own motives: why do I want to go with him? this program is about placing the focus on US, not anyone or anything outside of us. Why do you want to go? Don't you have things to do for yourself, your own schedule, etc.? and I also know that if someone brought this up with me and I got irritated I would know that they were right and that my motives might bear some serious re-evaluation. I have a strong tendency to sabotage myself/my relationship this way, I am an expert at it and its something I really struggle with- sometimes I am not even the slightest bit aware I am doing it. This is the only reason I bring it up, not to point a finger at you by any means, Its just my ESH, please take what you like and leave the rest. Hugs, J.
He IS giving you reason not to trust him. Just by the way he is acting about the whole "other woman" thing. Now, I have learned the very hard way that just because someone is in AA does not make them healthy. In fact, people in AA (and alanon) are NOT healthy and that is why we are all here. The AA program encourages friendships of the same sex. How does his sponser feel about him including this other woman in his recovery and your relationship?
You are no saint I am sure so why are you trying to be? His actions are hurting you, making you very uncomfortable, so, why is he continuing? When my ex was working a good program and had a good sponser, other women (program or not) were never an issue. When he was just using the program, he was 13 stepping all over town and that is who he attracted. You do not have to be "understanding" about this. In today's climate affairs=life and death. It is far more complicated than just the heart break. So, protect yourself and keep yourself safe. And stand up for you! Detatching does not mean laying down and taking it for the sake of someone else's sobriety. Your feelings and thoughts and insercurities and YOU matter just as much as he does. A relationship is supposed to be 50/50. How would HE feel if the situation were reversed? HP is there for us and wants us to be happy and safe, but we need to do the footwork.
It is well known when being in a 12 step program that contact with the opposite sex is discouraged. I think you know in your gut that something is not right and that is why you are feeling the way you do. I have had boyfriends who I have felt insecure with and there was a reason for that and it wasn't because I lacked confidence. It was because something was going on and I didn't want to face it. I have had boyfriends who I felt very secure with because there was nothing going on. Trust in yourself.
