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I'll try to be brief since I've already mentioned most of this. but don't count on it!
The major issue with my boyfriend "A" is (very hurtful situations have occured that focus around him not wanting to share his heart with me, including him "trusting" or befriending another woman, who he said he confided in because "she couldn't hurt him"- at a stupid self help type seminar,as far as I know no sexual stuff but she sure thought that was a possibility and rubbed it in my face/ all I cared about was that he was sharing with someone male or female and I had tried for so long and he literally blew me off every single time!!) anyway major issue between me and my A has been his being open about emotional things. Not just this one issue but 4 years of my getting rejected if I try to reach his heart. Okay enough background.
After we both agreed that he could be more comfortable and maybe do better work without me at the open AA meeting he attended for the first time Tuesday night, he came home after ( with a six pack by the way) gave me a hug and did not say one word, nothing like hey I liked it and I plan to go back or I hated it NOTHING. Based on our past issues of his not sharing, and my belief that he was not sharing just to show me he has control and basicly show me I'm not valuable enough to share his life (okay feelings talking there but still) anyway I told him I was hurt enough and he could get his stuff out and get well with or without me. I meant it, but he didn't go last night, we didn't discuss it except, he said he was to tired to deal with it and I said he didn't have to hurry and if he needed time to make a plan that was okay. I basically avoided him last night and he made no special effort to "talk" but acted very loving (which is his way and part of what keeps me hooked) he even came to bed and held me for a long time. Made a special point to say he loves me etc. So this morning he says he's going to meeting tonight and would I like to come, I casually said no and kept doing what I was doing. How dare he not even want to mention what happend at the first meeting when he knew I want so much for him to be well and act like I don't even matter enough to know what he thought and then want to ask me if I want to go to the next one. I think it's his way of "giving in" I don't want him to give in I want him to WANT to share his life and feelings with me! Also when I pull back like this then he acts a little like he wants to share his life but the moment I even so much as show a little interest in his heart at all he just slams me in the face with rejection. Anyway think I really am done and I'm sick of myself for sharing this again but wanted to ask if anyone thought I should have said yes I would go to the meeting with him (especially since we both really do agree he can focus better without me there).
I am tired of people telling me "he just can't" because I saw him open up with others at that seminar- I don't even care if he lied or pretended to be someone he wasn't ( which is possible) cus he was pretty messed up at the time. He can share if he wants to! He is not a hardware store he is a person with a brain!
No, is my answer to your question, this is HIS recovery HIS choice to go or not, HIS choice to share or not, etc.
You have your own choices like are you going to sit around and wait for him to get better? Are you going to go to your own meetings and let him deal with his own stuff? Can you just take what he is willing to give and be happy with that? Basically it comes down to this. Either you accept him as he is right now and love him like that or you don't and you let him go. There are no guarantees of him getting better and that is something each of us has to accept. There are no guarantees on anything in life. Do you love him the way he is? Or do you love the hope of someone he might be IF and when he decides to change (by the way you have no idea who that person will be at this point it's just a vision in your mind). The now is really all that matters because no one can predict the future or change the past.
To answer your question I love the person I BELIEVE he is. Not hope or think he might be. I am just sick and tired of the issues that keep him from being who I BELIEVE he is. Oh by the way this guy says I don't trust him when actually all my trust, time and effort have been in the person I BELIEVE him to be. Since he doesn't seem to want to let that person out I am ready to let him go while there is still a little bit of me left. However like I said he knows how to give just a little to keep me hooked so therefore it will take alot of resolve on my part. Thanks for your answers.
it is an absolute fact human beings are made to need HP and we are made to need contact love and support of other human beings so it is impossible to meet all your own emotional needs- however being filled up more with hp and less focused on significant other/ bf etc. is definitly a area I need to grow in. I also feel so lucky to have met so many great people at f2f meetings and on this board. Maybe I'll see the light soon.
I think it took me at least 3 years on this board to start to see the A for what he was. These days I do not talk to him. Before I raged and raged and raged some more then felt sorry for him, then tried to make him, work with him, then fantasized that he could change.
For me those are all the stages of grief, denial, anger, bargaining, grief to acceptance. I went round and round with him for a long time.
I am now working with a sponsor and digging deep into the reasons I was attracted to the A, what kept me there and how I can let go.
I accept him as he is now and I dont talk to him but separating was incredibly painful and involved tremendous losses. There was a process to get there. I certainly would not have been enmeshed with him if I accepted him.
Letting him go was very very painful and still is.
I had no idea what my needs were and how to meet them. Self care is enormously difficult for me.
Glad, for me, when I find myself having an emphatic "I BELIEVE" kind of statement about a person who happens to be an A, I need to very carefully look at my motives. Am I trying to convince myself that I believe? Am I working really hard, psychologically to prove to myself that I should stay in this relationship? Is this intense belief really a disguise for denial? I mean, whatever you set your mind to, will manifest. I often found myself doing a job on myself to psyche myself into staying in when I really should have been placing my intentions and attentions towards getting out. Just a thought. You can believe all you want about a persons potential but are you just living on potential or are you living on reality here? Hugs, J.
One of my problems was this....A would say, literally say, "I am insane and you would be better off without me." and I would reply "You don't mean that...." And I would BELIEVE what I was saying. Thing is, he was right. He was TELLING me and SHOWING me who and what he was and I DIDN'T BELIEVE him. I didn't want to believe that I would ever be attracted to a person like THAT! I wanted to believe that he was who he pretended to be in the beginning, the person who I loved, not this criminally insane liar. Now, maybe your A isn't a liar or a cheat, maybe he is only emotionally unavailable. At this point. But from what I know of this disease, it is progressive. How far are you willing to go? A's do get better, but they will always have this disease and the isms that go with it. Takes a heck of alot of work to have a relationship normally, but a relationship with an A has it's own special challanges.
What is keeping you there? If he refuses (and that is what he is doing, he is an adult and capable of change) to give you what you repeatedly tell him you need, what is it in you that is making you stay? What if you believed what you see right in front of you...he is an A who is unwilling to give you what you need , do you love him still? Can you love the reality of what he is?
Then you are definately on the right track. Keep digging. You are doing great.
Thanks everyone for the wonderful dialog.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
That's a lovely game of tug-of-war you're playing there with your A.
He goes to an AA meeting without you because you feel he'd be better off -you're tugging the rope. He comes back from the meeting with a six pack - he's tugging the rope. You feel hurt that he didn't open up to you - you're tugging the rope. He gets snuggly with you but not "open" with you - he's tugging the rope.
Back and forth, back and forth.
No easy answers for you. I'm married to an AH who has sexual identity issues! (Talk about not being open! I had to find out the hard way!)
All I can say is keep attending those face-to-face meetings. Keep your ears open and really listen. Try to find meetings that focus on step and tradition work. Find someone who has a sense of serenity about them that just blows you away and ask that person to be your sponsor.
Get to meetings. Work the steps. Get a sponsor. Keep going to meetings. Keep working the steps. Keep communicating with your sponsor.
You'll start to learn more about yourself that way and where your boundaries are - you'll look at your A in a new way. And maybe it'll be a more understanding way where you feel more comfortable with him and his issues, or in a more understanding way that you know you'll not be able to cope with him the rest of your life.
Work on yourself. Don't focus on him. Right now, he's just an excuse for you to not focus on your own problems.
