The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been with my A for almost a year now, and over this past year I have kind of marveled at the fact that we are still together. I don't have the best track record with relationships. Except for being legally married for 5 years (separated 4 years), this is the longest relationship I've ever had!! Each month I would tell him happy anniversary, and almost each month he would "make fun" of me saying oh yea i forgot we're still in high school. On those occasions, I've reminded him that he's the one who stays with women for years. And when I remind him of that, my mind starts racing. And I start wondering what's going to happen in the next few years. And then I'll pick a fight (like I would in any other relationship that was going good just so it would end). Fortunately for me, when he and I first got together, I told him of this "thing" of mine....this ability to sabbotage relationships, to push the other person away. So, he usually doesn't "play" into my little head game that I unconsciously start. I thank the Big Guy that He gave me the foresight to warn Mike about this very destructive behavior. But, then I answer the phone yesterday and it's a fellow AA member wanting to talk to him (very beautiful women that I haven't formally met). I explain he's asleep and she apologizes and leaves a message. I know who she is and what she looks like from his myspace page. I sit and get my blood pressure under control after hanging up the phone. And then the mind starts racing. (She's looking forward to seeing him Thursday night at her local meeting) He has NEVER mentioned to me giving her our home number. He has NEVER expressed a desire to go to this particular city (45 miles away) for a meeting. All this goes through my mind. And then a little voice enters telling me that I'm being stupid. That I'm giving her too much space in my head. And reminding me that if he should ever want to leave, all he has to do is say so. He knows he doesn't have to cheat, and I firmly beleive that he wouldn't cheat. It's been done to him and he knows how much that hurts. So, the little voice won, and I am so thankful that it did. Because it could have been a major disaster. I hate it when my mind starts to wander. Unfortunately there's nothing I can do to prevent it, but there is something I can do to stop it......BREATHING and pushing OUT those thoughts and focusing on the good things we have together.
I do the same thing. I have been married a long, long time. "They" will get you every time. They are always prettier, cuter, funnier, smarter, and more desirable than me. Not my business really. I need to get in or get out. And the A's ego really need to be feed by their attention and compliments. We need to take care of ourselves.
Jennifer, Yep, I know the negativity commitee in my head very well. You did well, I think, talking yourself down this time. It has taken me a long time to learn to do that. Your sponsor is a good resource for this too, if you can't get a handle on it by yourself.
BTW, They pass around a schedule at meetings and everyone writes their phone numbers on it. There will be many people who have his number, some he doesn't even know, because they are given out to newcomers and the program is based on anonymity. You never know who you/he may get a call from. Al-Anon groups do it too.
Anyway, sounds like your doing great.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I constantly felt left out of the exA's life. In my case he did put everyone but everyone before me. He moved friends in, ignored me and left me in the dust unless he could get something out of me. I felt paranoid, abandoned and lost most of the time. I did my part and he certainly did his. In addition he actually wanted me to feel isolated and alone. I think he is absolutely furious now that I do not "need" him anymore. I clung on like a limpet.
One good maxim I have read recently is put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror. I can focus totally on him and what he is doing (although I don't now). I have to work super hard actually to detach and not know what he is doing, where is living anything in my case since I have split up from him. For me the sole focus is me, what am I doing, how am I feeling, what can I do to make my life better. My life does not solely revolve around reacting to the A anymore.
I can go off on a tangent but I bring myself back to me.
