The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have no understanding of being scared of being close none at all I only see it as control and being mean and withholding. It hurts so much. I'm telling my A he can go this morning. 4 years of being loving, open, always wanting what's best for him and being told that I am the opposite (because of his programming) giving someone all and being accused of being less than. I have to stop it hurts too bad. I've even seen him appear to give more to people more like him, perhaps they seemed safer or he just plain liked them better or he wanted to be close to them in my sight to hurt me I don't know but I can not and will not live the rest of my life hoping for something that someone knows I want and withholds from me so he can be in control. I also think he wants to hurt me because he believes I come from a "better" background than him and he is punishing me for it. Anyway- now have years in recovery in Al Anon to look forward to boy I messed up my life- by my own choice- I knew what he was when I got with him and thought I could love him enough to make him happy. I'm so stupid!!! He wins everything he got 4 years of all of me and I got NOTHING but rejection! Oh well after I get over it I can go back to being the me that I was before I met him which was pretty darn cool. Maybe it won't even take that long?
(also posted on a post about "closeness", thanks everyone for listening to my rant, I will need some support to stay out of this relationship- as I always see some glimer of hope and want to resucue/ try again. I am more fed up this time so maybe I'll be strong? Love everyone for caring).
Well, first off you are not "STUPID". You are a very loving, caring person. Who has been "Affected" by anothers drinking. We love them, put up with all the "insults, abuse, smart comments, looks, we let them "Control", "manipulate" us. Because we think we deserve nothing better...WELL HERE IS A WAKE UP CALL GIRL!!!!!!!!!!
We do DESERVE better. In my experience, I loved an A, "Allowed"him to pull me down for too long. Thankfully today I can safely say, I "woke up and smelt the coffee". I had enough. Saw him for what he really was. In recovery for 8 years, he has not changed one bit, still has "isims"...
We do get there in the end. I feel you have to just keep reminding yourself. The world won't end without this relationship. You can and WILL survive without him. Feelings run deep, and still remain there, but don't let them fool you. Your heart tells you when to let go, and I believe that honestly, mine did..
Keep on keeping on girl, you are doing BRILL, and we are ALL here to offer, love, comfort and support...
Glad, you ARE strong wether you choose to stay or go. You are a strong, smart woman. I tell you many would have left way before you. That is a strength. You love deeply. Most people are incapable of that. When you are really done you will know. It will still be hard to stay gone but it will feel right. Don't beat yourself up if this is just another practice run. The more we practice the better we get. Remember this is YOUR choice. You don't HAVE to stay and you don't HAVE to go. You just have to do what you need to do to be happy.
I've had to embrace that alcoholism is a disease. Yes with his manipulation the A got a lot when we broke up. He also got the chaos and craziness that goes with his disease. I am relieved to be away from him but I am still virulently codependent.
I do think I was "stupid". I think I was lost in codependence. I was set up to be codependent.
Leaving the A was just one small part of recovery for me. I am still codependent with or without him.
Glad, I am in approaching a crossroads myself these days: do I give this another shot or not? He and I have not been in touch so I need to wait and see what (if anything) I have to work with. But I am no longer in denial and from the sound of it NEITHER ARE YOU. And thank God for this! Yeah, it hurts and its sad and it makes us want to kick ourselves, etc. but we are out of that insipid foggy groggy longing, waiting, hoping, thing called denial. Ugh! be GLAD, glad that you are no longer stuck under that big heavy wet blanket!!
And you have this incredible HP who will provide you with blocks or bridges regardless of what you choose. Just watch for those blocks and bridges and see what kind of path your HP provides for you. I know you are going to be just fine and yeah, I am now back to the woman I was but in many ways I have changed for the better too because I love me more- all my quirky perky big strappin' farmgirl artist teacher self! I am more than Ok, I am pretty great and if this man does not care about that and is not OK with that, that is just fine with me. Clear signal that he is not the person I want to spend another minute with. Time will tell. Why cast pearls among the swine? Hugs, J.
