The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My boyfriend just went to his first AA meeting. Anyone have any suggestions on how to show support/ love, give enough space when he gets home?
Okay nevermind I guess, he just walked in with AA book and some kind of coin in one hand and a six pack in the other- I am not kidding. Oh well back to focusing on only me and he is now sitting on the couch drinking like always- Kinda sad and funny at the same time. NO just sad
20 minutes later: not laughing now, he called me in the room where he was as if to indicate he wanted me with him but did not say one word about the meeting what he thought or how he felt. It's all about control he knew I wanted desperatly to hear his first impressions and was rubbing it in my face that he wasn't going to tell me. He is not just an AH he has severe emotional/ control problems. I deserve better! Not the first time he has withheld this type of conversation. I'm tired of him telling me he doesn't know how. He said I should have known because he came in and gave me a hug and was in a good mood that it went okay. It's like living with a mute person.
wow, what a classic snapshot Glad: isn't that just the TRUTH?! all wrapped up together like bringing home carry-out..."Hi Honey, I'm home!!" wow, yeah, its almost funny if it weren't so tragic just like you said. Take care and Hugs, J.
Don't get rid of your humor too soon. Humor helps to keep balance and humility. I couldn't laugh for a long while before coming to recovery and then I was taught to see the whole thing as God sees it and that started cracking me up. Funny I was thinking of some AA recovery humor this afternoon while up on the roof. It was funny then and I'll try to put it together for a little later. In the mean time keep the grin and the wagging of your head back and forth.
.... he just walked in with AA book and some kind of coin in one hand and a six pack in the other- .... He said I should have known because he came in and gave me a hug and was in a good mood that it went okay. It's like living with a mute person.
Oh, it IS just like living with a mute person. We expect "something," and all we get is "nothing."
It is almost as if they are taunting us (like a squirrel outside that taunts a terrier who is on the other side of the window and can do NOTHING about it!). Ugh!
You could describe the Alcoholic as being like that coin....They flip moods whenever the choose. There is two sides to that coin, just like there is to them.. (ok, maybe they have nore than two..lol)
Look after YOU!!!!!!! They don't give a sh*t, as long as they have a can in hand......I once heard an AA member admit that, and I was "so proud" of him for saying it, I admired the honesty, I watched the sadness cloud his face, it was then i knew Alcoholism is an Illness...
I got really totally eaten up by frustration and resentment at the A when I lived with him, even when I left him and was still trying to help him. I detached but not nearly enough. He did not even attempt sobriety
I'd be dumbfounded, too, with that picture. Certainly wouldn't know what to think, but I'm sure that was his game - or rather his disease's game.
In regards to discussing AA meetings with my AH, I just don't. Or, at least I certainly don't expect him to tell me how it was or what he learned from it. He doesn't need to report to me. He can share with me if he wants, but that's up to him entirely. I'm not going to ask. Sometimes I feel it's better when you can internalize the things you learn from your meetings and not discuss them with other people - especially the person who's an A in your life - they're on the other side of the coin! You could end up thinking something was FANTASTIC, but if you share it, your A (OR your Al-anon member) might take something the wrong way and possibly tear it down.
I made that mistake on one of our "bad" nights last week. Got home from an Al-anon meeting. Was feeling loving and warm and happy, but AH was miserable and in attack-mode. I shared something with him I'd heard/felt at my meeting and he just took it and tripped it to shreds and tried to turn it against me.
Fortunately, I recognized what he was trying to do and ignored the attempt to undermine my feelings. But jeez, if it had been a day were I wasn't strong and caught off-guard by his disease, it could have been pretty hurtful to hear him say those things and I would have taken it personal instead of recognizing the disease talking.
I'm not really sure exactly what I would do if he walked in with a 6 pack. Actually, yes I do, I'd shutdown my laptop, pick up the phone and call for a ride. Probably to my sponser, and while waiting for her to arrive, I would quietly pack my things. I learned a long time ago (about 6 months ago) that his sobriety does not depend on me. If he want's to drink, there is nothing I can do or say about it. All I can do, and will do is absolute self-preservation. I have to focus on me and my needs. I need and deserve to be with a sober person, and if he chooses to drink, so be it. I know that I don't have to put up with it and I won't. I love him oh so very much, and it's that love that I have that will not allow me to stay with him while he continues to self distruct. I understand how luck I am with him. He's been sober 252 days. And it was he who decided (finally) that he needed to get and stay sober. And from the AA meetings I've attended with him, I've come to understand that the A has to hit his/her rock bottom before they decide that it's time.
I wish you luck in your recovery, my dear one. I will pray for you and ask the Big Guy to bestow his blessings upon you.
I once heard an AA member admit that, and I was "so proud" of him for saying it, I admired the honesty, I watched the sadness cloud his face, it was then i knew Alcoholism is an Illness...
