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Well, I haven't been able to post for a while and I have missed you all! I don't know if you remember that I ordered a replacement keyboard for my laptop off ebay- well, the guy has disappeared and I am disputing the charge so still no computer at home. Also, my motor blew up in my Jeep last week- cannot even begin to go into the expense and headache about that issue. Anyway, just wanted to get a little feedback on my latest situation with the A. He is now in jail as you know. His medical problems seem to have stabalized. I think I told you all that I had set up an account so he could call me. He does this several times a day though I do not always answer. I must admit that I enjoy talking to him on a regular sober basis. However, I have also been doing some leg work for him like running papers about his medical condition to jail and even putting 20 dollars here and there into his account. While I am enjoying the contact with him, I know on some level that he is "using" me and that when he gets out he will disappear again. I try not to tell those I know that I still do these things for him because I know they just "feel sorry" for me that I would still let him "use" me like "he does." I guess I am just looking once again for a reason not to feel "used." I want to enjoy giving to him and not feel like it is an example of my codependency or lack of self esteem or even my desperation. I don't want to feel like he is "using" me. I want to feel like he truly cares about me and appreciates my friendship, etc. Ah...guess I just needed to vent. It has been a while. :)
My other concern for you during this time...... is what should be a time of recuperation and recovery for YOU from the daily crap that you had to put up with before..... is not really there for you with this volume of contact.... (probably not all that good for him either, but that's not what concerns me for now).
You need the reprieve too..... any chance you could severely limit these calls, way down to say.... once a week??
Just my two cents...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
It sounds like you are feeling other people's feelings. How do YOU feel about doing for him? Be gentle with yourself. Don't beat yourself up for caring still. You sound like you know darn well he is using you. Are you using him? I mean, why are you still enabling him? Is it really love and concern for him or is it all about you being the "savior" once again? In your own mind?
I say this because that is exactly what it was for me. When my ex went into rehab and then called ME to be his rescuer, I JUMPED! This was after he had left me and the 3 kids and moved in with his employers with whom he was having an affair (yes, I said employerS). There was a part of me that was screaming "STOP! Take care of yourself, Seren!!! This man DOES NOT LOVE YOU!!!" But I went, I took care of, I went back. And then, he went to the mental hospital for trying to kill me. I got a restraining order against him. And when he called, I went. I had all great excuses for going back to him. I was all he had, he was the father of my kids, we have a history, I was "advocating" for him, etc, etc, etc. And these were all very true. But the major reason I went back and helped time and time again was me. I wanted to be the one who "saved" him and THEN we would be happy.
It never worked. I tried, believe me. For years and years. But all it really got me was hurt. Actually, it got me wisdom. I wasn't done until I was done. And the reality is, I probably still wouldn't be done but he found someone else to take care of him. She has more money and less baggage, and she is insane. But I suppose I was too. Difference is, I am not anymore and that is a direct result of this program and the very loving, wise people here in these rooms.
So, just be careful. Protect your heart the best you can. Are you getting to meetings? It is the safest place to be able to let it all out and be understood. I remember thinking on the way to a meeting "oh, NOW they are all going to be shocked and disappointed in me" and they NEVER have been! Unlike family and friends. Family and friends love me but they don't understand. Be kind to yourself. And remember there is no shame in loving an A. And there is no shame in walking away either.
That's what I see here too - you feeling other people's feelings. You want others not to see you as being used, you want him to love you....what do YOU want to feel?
If you can give to him because you want to, and let go of the outcome, then it's just you doing what you want to do. However, if this is all in aid of 'making' him feel something, or serving as a basis for some fantasy, then it's probably not very good for you.
How bout cutting off the calls all together and taking all that money and dumping it into your car and a new computer? We all want to feel loved, you know the real deal. That's not love. You might love him or maybe you just love that he pays attention to you. I was there. Anyone who paid attention had my undying devotion no matter what they did. The problem with this is what you want so much is to be filled up and in reality they're sucking you dry while giving the appearance of filling you up. I remember once I was talking about giving my husband money (and it was HIS money) and my boss said why don't you just take whatever you were going to give him and go to the bar and just give it to them? You and the kids need that money and he's just going to drink/drug it away. That really stuck with me. Either you know you're being used and you just don't care in which case he keeps using you or you say no more in which case he moves on and uses someone else. That's the reality. This is an opportunity to get yourself together and have a break from the insanity!
Last summer the A contacted me because he was ill, broke, homeless. I enjoyed for a while taking care of him, I felt "needed" and "validated". Eventually I began to see he was making no progress. In fact he got much much much worse. I got tired of the demands. The phone never stopped ringing.
That is really the essence of our relationship always on his terms. I no longer contact him. I did feel "used" but I also felt betrayed and eventually just plain overwhelmed.
I found it very very very hard to let him go. When I did I felt better, I stopped second guessing myself.
My other concern for you during this time...... is what should be a time of recuperation and recovery for YOU from the daily crap that you had to put up with before..... is not really there for you with this volume of contact.... (probably not all that good for him either, but that's not what concerns me for now).
You need the reprieve too..... any chance you could severely limit these calls, way down to say.... once a week??
Just my two cents...
Tom
That is what I was thinking too. After everything had come to a head with my then 15 year old, and she was safely in lockup, and then foster care, my sponsor told me take advantage of the quiet and lack of chaos to recuperate from the insanity I had been living for months on end.
With expensive repairs for the jeep, and still no computer, I don't see the validity of putting money on the books for him.
The more we cushion their fall, the longer they will be out there in the active disease.
My parents almost loved me to death
PS. Also wanted to add that if I am doing something that I don't want others to know about, there's a good chance that deep down inside I feel guilty because I know darned good and well I should NOT be doing it
-- Edited by Tenderheartsks at 18:42, 2008-03-04
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I read this: "Also, my motor blew up in my Jeep last week- cannot even begin to go into the expense and headache about that issue," and thought the word "motor" said "mother!" I was like, "Did her mother get mad? Was there some sort of explosion?" Bwahahahahahah! The writing on this website is too small!!! I swear, I had to re-read that several times until I saw "motor!" Whew! While I'm sorry to hear that your motor blew up, I am so relieved to know that your mother wasn't the issue!
I try to do what the others have mentioned... to "take a break" while my alcoholic is in some sort of custody (i.e. jail, hospital, rehab). And I'm on a "break" right now... but as I read the ESH from others on this post and on some of the other postings, I realize that there is a chance that he will call for help and I will go a-running to do whatever he needs.
I've done it in the past (picking him up from rehab, signing him out, making sure he gets to court, blah! blah! blah!). Why do we give & give & give? We make such perfect mates for our alcoholics because they take & take & take!
Thanks so much! Again, gives me perspective to think about. What do I feel about the whole situation? Must admit that I don't know. I have been reacting- reacting to the possibility that he could change, reacting to the fact that he needs me again, reacting to the notion that I am being a "friend"- the desire to not give up on him I am going to take some time today to think about how I do feel about the situation before I answer the phone again or run out there again or anything of the such. By the way Jean I got the deposit into savings thing now- I think that is great. ESH- Laughed out loud at your post and I needed it. :)
