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I can't hear enough about resentments. I have so many of them. Most days, I still feel pretty numb. But when the numbness wears off a bit there they are. Filling me with rage and anger. I need to hear some ESH on what y'all do with your resentments. I do not want to be a bitter old woman who abuses others because of the weight of resentments. I do not want to be a victim of my anger. I want to work thru this and not just avoid or put it on a back burner (keeps it simmering). I am not kidding when I say I have lost all compassion for A's. I have no compassion at all, even for myself. I refuse to be the marytr. I just want to be...
Seren, I just went through a wave of resentments recently re: the flashbacks I had been having. Anyway, I called a 28-year old timer bawling my head off because I just felt so completely BLACK with resentment for my AH. She had some interesting techniques which really worked for me so I will share them here. Take what you like and leave the rest.
This older woman believes in angels. I, myself, am pretty ambivalent about this but I love this program friend so I rolled with it. She told me to write a long letter to my angel. To write out what was hurting me this day. She suggested I go into as much detail as possible. I did this and it took me several days, to be honest. She suggested that I play sad music, look at old photos, do as much as possible to really bring out the hurt and pain and really write it all down to my angel.
Then, after that is done, take a day off and then begin writing a letter from your angel to yourself. I found this to be so incredibly helpful. I cannot believe the impact this had on me. This, too, took a few days.
After that, take another day off and then bring out your inner little girl. Give her a name if you have not already. Stand her up in front of you and look her in the eye and apologize to her for all this hurt you allowed to happen to her. Go through it all and hold her close and tell her its all going to be OK and that from now on you are going to take better care of her and not hurt her anymore. Then you take her and go out for a walk- tell her you want to show her some things and go out and look at the world again with the new eyes of a child who has just arrived in a brand new place. The past is gone for this child. This child is OK, safe and happy to be with you, no longer furious and in pain. Step out and really look at the world anew. Walk down the street and notice small simple beautiful things you might not have seen before.
I have to tell you, I am not really into this whole angel/inner child thing but this really worked for me. This member who shared this with me also came from a DV situation and so she is really understanding and experienced about what that was really like and how it is to deal with the life long wounds of that.
Hope this helps. I know how completely toxic and yucky it feels to have a bunch of resentments, I think that especially if we have endured years of abuse, its especially debilitating. Hugs and lots of love to you seren, you are one of my faves on this board, you know. I love you girl. J.
I had a hard time with this too. Sometimes it still pops out, especially when I'm over tired. I think the first thing is to sit down and write what's going on when the resentments come out. I bet it is on especially hard days, or when you're tired and overworked or stressed out. Not when great things are happening and you're so happy with your kids...
The first thing I have to realize is that I chose this in some way. I chose that man... He's no different, he's still the same, only I'm different. Then I think about all the things he's missing, our son losing his first tooth and seeing that goofy smile every day. Snuggle lovers (that's what we call it when my son comes and snuggles:) the funny things the kids say, the conversations I have with my oldest daughter, my middle child is difficult so I have to really work to think of things for her... inside jokes, family trips, getting to help them be the people they will be, sitting on the beach on a sunny day and just loving it, soaking up the sun, listening to the seagulls and watching the pelicans nose dive into the waves after a fish, the way the water feels when it rushes around your feet, the funny things you see on a road trip. All that stuff, he totally misses. He gets none of it. He's not even CAPABLE of appreciating it, how sad is that? All of it taken for granted. So tell me this, what do you have to be resentful of? You have all the work, but you also get ALL the rewards! What does he get? Really think about that. I want you to tell me! What does HE get?
I struggle with resentments too but I'm at a better place now than in the recent past. One thing I've noticed is that when I am not working the program as well or just having a tough day keeping the focus on myself, I will start to slide back down the slippery slope of getting focused on the AH's actions or lack of reponse/action. I have lots of choices - get to a f2f meeting, read al anon books, etc etc as a positive help to get better or fall back on old habits where I let myself think about what the AH should do, feed my anger, add current anger to old resentments, etc etc that is a negative help to slide back to the insanity.
The resentments are full of drama for me, emotional, passion and I can hold them tight for the energy of the drama or something. Adds dimension to the day to day BUT it's a negative source that in the end will make me bitter and I relive negative emotions. I would rather choose to accept a quieter, less dramatic but positive day to day life. Hopefully some positive drama will come along now and then, like celebrations or special connections with others in conversation or special vacations....... even the hug of a small child. Warm fuzzies!!
The other thing I think about is that when we are much older and lose some of our memories, the ones that I see to stick around are the ones we have gone over and over.......... we can choose to rehash resentments over & over or with gratitude think of all the joys and things we treasure over & over. I hope to be a little old lady full of joy so I am trying to choose gratitude when ever I can.
The only way I can focus on the joy & gratitude when my mind fights me for review of old resentments and desires revengeful fantasy, is to send the stinking thinking somewhere else. Deal with it the same way as self pity - flush it or dispose of it somehow or let go and let God handle it.
These are the goals and I keep practicing as I don't want to be bitter now or later........ it's not easy, so I know for sure it must really be worth the effort. I hear ya! I get it! Resentments are the pits!!
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
I think your answer lies within the above statement Serendipity..... Our recovery is a process, primarily aimed around liking and valuing ourselves once again (which is easy to lose when you are living in and around addictions). When we make the effort to love ourselves, we start on that rebuilding process.... As we move along that spectrum, we see that the resentments are getting in the way of our peace of mind and serenity, so we find ways to let them go.....
For some, they need a relatively "formal" way of doing so, i.e. putting them in a God box or whatever...... For others, the awareness that by giving up our resentments, WE will be happier people, is enough....
For me, I had to learn it the hard way..... but I was bound and determined to not let my ex-wife-A control my feelings and emotions (even long after we were divorced), and the only way to get there was to let go of those damn resentments!!!
Hope that helps...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
One is to give them to my HP. The other is to work them through the steps. I think for me the resentments are there as part of grief. When I did a 4th step on prior relationships I stopped feeling as bad about them. I came to terms with certain relationships. I can't say I have yet about the past one.
OH, gosh, Seren! I have resentments, too... but I also have a horrible memory so I don't always recall what they heck they are. I call it the "curly-brain-barrier!" My sister is the same way... she said this one time:
"I sometimes see someone and think to myself, 'Hey, I'm supposed to be mad at this person, but I forget why!' and then I just smile at them," and she carries on anew.
Having a poor memory is both a blessing and a curse. It is a blessing because I can't always remember what happened with any clarity. It is a curse because I may be set up for it happening all over again.
I hope its well there 4 u and hopefully its the same all is well here
A few days back, this being 3.05.08, we found the promise that we, working the promises, steps and traditions that one will come to the point of being able to make the innerconnections to the ideas found in the al anon tradition, the serenity we seek as well as recovery out of the a conditioned response to the a in most any setting. I work to cut my ties to the disorder of other connections, i.e. my response to the a behaviors.
Thats about all I have 2 say about that then, just keeping it simple sweetie. oceans of love, getoverit simply, unconditionally
I've always heard expectations are premeditated resentments. I also agree with maresie that it could be associated with grief, loss of what we expected things to be. The best way I've found to deal with that is Let Go and Let God, Get busy in al-anon work and take care of myself, keep the focus on me, that way it's not on the A.
I am currently struggling with resentments about my husband not working. He says he has a job (which he does - it's construction) he hasn't worked since November. We are basically liveing off my mother's social security(she's 85 and we live with her on her farm)my monthly paycheck from substituting at school (which has been slim) and another paycheck I get from the government for caring for her. Hubby buys, sells, goats, chickens, anything to make a buck, but from where I sit he's just breaking even, if that. My expectation is that he make enough money to help with the bills, for me to not hold resentments about this I need to set boundaries and say (and mean it) that he has to get a job, or move out and live with his son who is also not working a job, like father like son (he's 21).
so dealing with resentments; set boundaries, say what I mean, and mean what I say without saying it mean, Let God and Let God. That's my e,s & h for you today.
