Here's my opinion on this. I know with my A, he seems incapable of making rational, thought out decisions. I am not sure why this is, I have theories such as the age that they start use is the age they stop maturing, in his case 13 or so, maybe even sooner. So from there they place their lives in the hands of everyone around them. Their mom makes the decisions, or their friend, their girlfriend or boyfriend, etc. This accomplishes two things. One, they are never responsible for anything that they choose because someone else chose it for them and two they never have to worry about making the wrong choice as we all fret over. Just like you here now worrying about where HE should live and being responsible for making sure HE gets his visits. Just like my A who came down last weekend without food for the kids or a coat and no solid ride and ended up spending the night on the beach with only a set of flannel sheets that I had given him when I left with the kids. So the upside is that you have no responsibilities.

On the downside of this when you give someone else responsibility for your life, you also give them all the power. In your son's case he has given away every ounce of his power to someone else (either you or his ex at this point). I say you because he relies on you to facilitate all of the meetings between him and his son and to speak FOR him to his ex. Not because I think that you are the cause of his problems (just to clarify that). Before the divorce he was entitled to half the assets, the house, the child same as her but because of this long term reinforcement of someone else making the decisions about his life for him he was almost mentally disabled during the process thus enabling her to abuse the situation and get whatever she wanted. Now I have no idea what she went thru in all this and I'm sure it wasn't pretty and maybe she feels justified in all this. Maybe she's just a mean person and incapable of seeing him as a human being any longer. Who can really say? Only them. So my thinking here is that he was really unable to see things for how they really were, unable to speak up or stand up for himself at the time because he expects everyone else to look out for his best interests as they always have rather than him looking out for his own. I think It will take a lot of time with him growing and learning on his own to come to a place of being able to rectify the situation and in some things there is a time when it's just too late and I think child custody is one of those things.

Here's what I say when My A does this to me. I don't know what to tell you, you're just going to have to figure that out. OR I don't know, let me know when you figure that out. OR I can't tell you what the best thing for you is! OR I don't know? What you describe is just another example of come rescue me and tell me what to do so if I choose wrong it won't be my fault! Now imagine that you tell him where to move and something doesn't work out. Whose fault will that be? Now, what would happen if you just stepped out of this and left him to his own devices with visiting his son? Would he sulk off into the sunset and do nothing or would he step up and fight? Just because you see your grandson doesn't automatically mean that he gets to see his son. Wouldn't it be nice if you weren't the middle man and you could just enjoy your little guy without all the surrounding chaos?

Just when you think you are getting it and doing better, a day like today comes along and brings you crashing down hard and painfully.

Today I feel as if I have made every mistake in the world as a mother. I have made decisions for my own life which are biting me back....only I can take responsiblity for that.

If I had taken my counselor's advice two years ago this very month, I would be a long-distance mother, grandmother, and ex-MIL. At least I could have the cushion of miles between me and the pain of this existence. So to all of you who are seeing counselor's and trust their guidance, think long and carefully about what they tell you to help yourself. I am soo sorry I stayed here, thinking it was for the sake of my son and the grandchild. It's completely undone my life as I wanted to live it. You cannot make your decisions based on "for the sake of others"....if so, everyone I love and cherish would be safe, happy, and successful. As it stands today at this very hour, I am miserable. My son is miserable. My spouse is miserable. We are not able to help one another in any way that works. And today, I can't seem to help myself.

Omajoy, then today is the day to off load all that misery onto HP and get to an al-anon meeting, plain and simple. Take care- Hugs, J.

The day is winding down, thank God. I have a few more hours to go before I can try and put this one in the history column. Lots of negative stuff in our household today. I am hiding out in the office/computer room; my spouse wants to watch inane movies and bury his head into entertainment. That leaves me to my own devices, a serious situation indeed. I think too much and too long.

I have chewed over the posts to me today. I deny vehemently that I make decisions for my son. He wouldn't allow that, and even tho he asks for opinions and advice (which I used to give freely but don't anymore), he ultimately ends up doing as he darn well pleases, to heck with consequences. Sometimes that works for him; sometimes it doesn't. It is when it doesn't that he asks for help with consequences. Usually that is when the consequences will adversely affect his child, his health, or his relationship with his father. Those three things I just cannot ignore. And I never will. I was brought up that family helps family...you do not throw someone you love to the curb.

In my original post this morning about his stewing over where to move, how to manage it, etc. I was just saying that this was an EXAMPLE of how things never end with him. He magnifies all situations. I was asking if that is a symptom of alcohol use or perhaps non-use. I was saying in that post that I am tired of being brought into each and every little thing. With sick husband, very sick mother in another state, my own illness....again it has become just more than I can handle. When I try to back off my son interprets it as pure rejection; he just isn't accustomed to that from his mother. So I guess we are enmeshed and perhaps that is unhealthy. In some circles that is called "being close" to your child. Here it seems to be frowned upon as being detrimental to recovery.

I guess I still just don't get it. I will keep trying.