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Hi all, My partner is a member of AA and has been sober for five years. He has not drunk since we've been together, and I haven't been affected by his drinking. I would like to develop healthy thinking habits so I can support his sobriety, and that we can have a healthy life together. I've attended a couple of Al-anon meetings recently, and I've been nodding along emphatically with the children of alcoholics. I've been doing some reading that says that grandchildren of alcoholics can also be affected by the disease. My paternal grandfather died of a alcohol related accident when my dad was about 22. He had drunk for years, stole money from the family business for drink etc. My dad has never touched a drink. Apparently he was terrified to - he thought if he had one drink, he would instantly become an alcoholic. He's a nasty piece of work, to be honest, and I notice a lot of similar traits in my home to that of ACOA. My sister developed a drug dependency as a teenager which contributed to her death a few years ago. But... there's a lot of differences between me and some other people at Al-anon. I've never been hit by a drunk person, never worried about where the next meals coming from, never had to beg them to stop. I haven't suffered from the direct effects from alcohol as so many people have. It's only recently that I've realised the impact of my sister's drug use, so again, it didn't affect me directly at the time. I worry at meetings, that people will be wondering why the hell I'm there! But too polite to tell me so. I'm concerned that I'm just jumping on a bandwagon, that I don't really belong. I'd love to know the honest opinion of other Al-anon members. Thanks :)
I have learned to listen to the similarities, and not the differences, at meetings.
I come from a long line of alcoholics on both sides of the family. My father watched both of his parents die within a year of each other due to alcoholism while he was still in high school, with two younger brothers.
Neither of my parents ever drank, but surely brought in a lot of 'baggage' from the alcoholism in their families (both had siblings, now long gone who turned out to be alcoholic).
I married an alcoholic/addict the second time around, left him, and I have been clean/sober since August 5, 1990.
I also have a 30 year old daughter not in recovery.
I definitely qualify and am so grateful for what Alanon has taught me. I can apply the program in all areas of my life, whether it involves an alcoholic or not.
Welcome and I hope you stick around! There is a terrific group of understanding and compassionate people here!
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Nobody checks your credentials at the door - and if we did, you'd qualify.
Every one of us has a different story - you will have insights that will help others, and others will be able to help you. You might want to try all face to face meetings in your part of the world, and see which one feels like the best fit - meetings where most of the members are living with the crises of active drinking will have a different feel from one where many of the members are dealing with long - ago trauma. But, it's all good, and if there's only one meeting around, it'll work
The affects of alcoholism are there. Believe it or not. They're there.
For a little while, I was fooling myself thinking things with my AH were far better off than many people living with active A's, because MY AH at least isn't drinking.
Honestly, that's the ONLY good trait that's been happening, because my AH is still in full denial that he has a problem and is pinning the "blame" of his sobriety on me. "You told me you'd leave if I start drinking again."
Isn't that lovely - pinning the blame of his being sober on me. I wish he could see how STUPID that sounds.
In any case, so your A is in AA. And I can hope for you that he's actively working the steps. Either he is or he isn't, but in any case, he is STILL an A. Which means his disease will still try to grapple with him at times and it'll come out on you and you'll feed into it if you don't know how to recognize it.
My mother's an A, the daughter of an A - I've never ONCE seen her drink my entire life. She was sober since I was a baby - but her problems still seeped through to me, somehow, someway, because I'm a co-dependent person who has this knack of attracting addicts. Even though I never lived with active alcoholism, it STILL affected me. Even though my mom has been an active Al-anon member since I was a child, her issues STILL came through to me somehow.
Alcohol and substance addictions have a nasty way of permeating the atmosphere of the addict and the person surrounding the addict. They react in unique ways, and without the help of support groups like Al-anon, we learn to react to their reactions in ways that generally aren't healthy for anyone - the addict or us.
YES, you belong here.
Maybe your life situation isn't as severe as some Al-anon members, but you've STILL been affected by the life choices of addicts - your sister, your grandmother... you maybe have friends or co-workers who are addicts, too, and each of them has an affect on you.
Al-anon helps you to minimize those affects and LIVE your life, happily.
You are in the right place. You were effected by someone else's drinking. Even if your parents didn't drink, they were raised by an A and therefore they have the "isms". That is probably what you relate to in the ACOA meetings.
Some of us seemed better off than others and that is how we help one another. Maybe your life isn't spirialing down hill now, so you will have some good esh to share. you being here gives to us.....keep comming!
Welcome to MIP and Al-Anon--you have come to the right place. Your partner may not have been active since you got together, but I am sure that you have been affected by his disease in some way. My home group has a number of regulars who no longer live with active drinking but who continue to come to meetings to help them live with their sober A, to work on the issues that lead them to pick the A in the first place, or to address the impact of this family disease on their lives.
If you attend a few more meetings, you will find that even though all of our stories are different, they are the same. The common thread is addiction and its impact on our lives. Do not compare your story to that of anyone else--we are a group of equals.
Again, welcome and keep coming back!!
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
gosh, you guys are so lovely! I just logged on to check (with a bit of trepidation) if I had any replies - and found all this support :) I feel much better about attending now. I'm originally from the UK and my family has that 'don't admit that anything is wrong' thing going on, stiff upper lip etc. - which is probably also why I also felt a bit guilty about being there. I really feel that Al-anon ideas will help me and my family - but I didn't just want to be there to 'take' if it wasn't the right place for me. Thanks so much everyone for your reassurance, you've put a big smile on my face :)
Felt I needed to add my two cents. While some of us are going through some things in our relationship with our A's that you have not had to deal with. By virtue of being married to someone in recovery (AA) and being the grandaughter of an A you have been affected by the disease probably more than you realize.
My father was an A and I also married an A. While I really didn't think my childhood was all that bad, (my Dad was a "functioning alcoholic") I can see that I was very much affected by my Dads A'ism by the way that I was dealing with my husbands A'ism before I started Al-Anon. Al-Anon has given me tools I needed to achieve the serenity that I have never known all of my life. If I had attended meetings as a child, I would not have gone through the rollercoaster of a life I have.
Anyway, welcome to MIP. We're glad you're here. You'll soon find we are a family, and now you are one of us.
Love and Blessings,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
Thanks Claudia for the nice welcome! I'm off to a meeting tonight - it's all quite new and strange at the moment anyway, bumbling not sure where to sit etc - but this gives me confidence that I'm in the right place for me :)
Occasionally you might run into somebody, or some meetings, where the question "who is your qualifier?" is asked. Please don't be put off by this - it hearkens to our Tradition - 3, I think it is, that states in part "the only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend". Sometimes it is asked in a friendly, reaching-out way; sometimes it is asked in a way that sounds accusing, like "what right do you have to be here?" My personal opinion is that the people who ask this are still dealing with a lot of issues of anger, and challenging others is a way to not challenge themselves. Just smile sweetly and say "my grandmother", or even, "my partner", if you like. As others have said, so many of us arrive here thinking, oh, my situation isn't that bad, only to be astonished that we have found a community that thinks the way we do, and gives us tools to deal with issues we hadn't even realized we had (as well as the ones we DID realize we had - and they are legion!)
Welcome to the MIP family. You know my immediate family barely touched anything. But when I look back at all the aunts and uncles who had a drinking problem they did have an impact on them. But I had a "normal" childhood. I wish I had found Alanon before I realized that my AH had a problem. This program is amazing. Just when you think you don't need it you'd be surprised how much you do. Please keep coming back to us and don't stop attending your meetings. One thing you can do with your A (if he wants to) is to go to AA meetings with him. I have found that to be a supportive way with my hubby. It also has opened my eyes into their world. Glad you've found us. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <-- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
