Intervention on me intervening in AH - Al-Anon Family Group

RainyJamie · Senior Member

Intervention on me intervening in AH

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

That's why I moved myself out, I was done waiting for him to go. Once when we owned the house I got a kick out restraining order. That forces them out. My A would always talk about suicide, it's a control tactic. I know that now. He's still breathing just fine! Sleeping on the beach and managing to hitchhike home an hour away. The thing I learned is that as long as I allow myself to be treated that way he'll continue to treat me that way. If I even waver on a boundary, he's right in there picking at it trying to weaken the wall. Sorry, no good news from me :)

The thing that struck me was that you said your friends would come and that he doesn't have any. Seems that you're the string he's hanging onto in order to maintain doing this. I hope you take care of you!

round3 · Senior Member

(((((Rainyjaimie)))))) When I saw this topic I thought - this is the topic of a thread that I need to start!!!! You mentioned that he might have to go to Salvation Army. Okay.....and the problem is?????

Here's a quick story for ya. Just to show you how things work out. I was with my A several years ago and he was a "hopeless alcoholic". He went through the Salvation Army program (at least twice). He lost all jobs, all friends, all family, all relationships, all of his belongings, most of all of his sanity, and nearly his life. I was his "only lifeline". I was it. He threatened suicide. Even told me once, "Why don't you drive me to the top of the bridge and shove me off? No-one will miss me." And I gotta be honest.....he was right. But needless to say, there was no shoving anyone off a bridge that night (or this story would probably have a way different ending.)

Fast forward to 15 minutes ago. I received an email from him (he's now living overseas). He told me he is staying on an island in a highrise overlooking the ocean. Read it again....he's "staying on an island in a highrise overlooking the ocean." Told me he'd send me some pics if I ever wanted to see. He's staying on an island in a highrise overlooking the ocean!!!!! HOW DOES HE CONTINUE TO GET THESE SWEET DEALS!?!?!?! Because he's a very manipulating, charming A (as most are). Have no idea if the owner of the place is male or female. But here's where I need a serious intervention...............I need to quit wringing my hands about this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RJ - my point is....your A and my A sound remarkably like the same person. I had a therapist tell me YEARS ago that mine was like a leech. He will suck ALMOST all of the life out of me. He won't kill me, because then he won't have anything else to feed off of. But when I had nothing left inside of me to give him, he moved on. He didn't die. No no...not hardly. (He's staying on an island in a highrise overlooking the ocean!)

Don't be sucked into his pathology. If he needs treatment and is serious about recovering....the Salvation Army is an option.

My heart is with you. I know just the spot you're in right now.

Please take care of you.

Peace,
R3

-- Edited by round3 at 18:02, 2008-03-03

learning · Veteran Member

Rainy Jamie,
Hi. I usually post on the AA board. Yet I read alot of the posts here and on the other
boards.
I had read and thought about an intervention. You are right about the costs...... I couldn't afford them either. When I "hit my bottom" emotionally over my AH's drinking/affair
he had put an real emotional guilt trip on me. Everything INCLUDING his drinking was all
my fault. My marriage was falling apart and I had no clue about alcoholism or how to stop any of its effects. I went to my spiritual counselor, a priest, for help. He asked if I could
talk to his family. I decided to start with a sister....he has 3.....this one he is close with.
Found out he had already stated his case. She knew about the other woman ect.ect ect.
She did not put me down NOR did she offer to help ME. Called the second one.....she told
me that she understood....told me I needed to go on with my life.......she's realized the
problem long ago....it didn't surprise her. As far as his friends ....... well didn't consider
ANY of them as partaking. Practically all of them are drinkers in their own right and alot
of them are on 2nd, 3rd, 4th marriages.
It drove me crazy emotionally as to what to do. I got involved with AA. (I don't drink,
yet I want to learn from those who seemingly were in a much better position to enlightened
me.) I am sorry to tell you.......I know of no one in close proximity to me that this has
worked for. I learned through AA that the person has to make the choice for himself/
herself to get help. I cannot do it for them. It took me serveral years to "let go". I
can only control MY ACTIONS, MY WORDS.
As painful as it was/has been.....I am in a much better place. As for suicide.......his
brother had a BIG drinking problem. Blackouts, ect. He was found in his garage, car
running, door opener in his hand, and slumped in the seat. Death cert. said death
was result of alcohol/carbonmonoxide/suicide. There were questions after whether
he had INTENDED his death or if he blackout. It was very difficult for my AH to accept
this death. He felt responsible and to kill that guilt he drank more than usual. (Usual
was too much in my opinion.) After AH had left and moved in with his mistress his sisters
made many comments about him having a problem. One enlightened me that on one
occasion he was so drunk, he got a gun, got in his truck and was hell bent on killing
himself. They finally after a big chase through the country managed to get to him and
get the gun. His mistress in her attempt to win him supposedly had made an attempt.
It apparently worked. He went right to her bedside in the hospital to let her know he
was going to leave me. Fast forward, Dec. 2007, his nephew hung himself. Alcohol
was responsible for an accident in May 2007 which had left him with a mound of med.
bills., off work to do physical therapy for serveral mos. He had just returned right before
his death. He was never charged with DUI on the accident. On the Fri. before his death,
he went out alone.....drank, got DUI and that automatically was immediate suspension of his job. His son was born 2 wks. before so there were MORE bills. He couldn't cope.....and
thus. A second death and this was NOT ENOUGH to shake my husband to realize he
has a problem.
To sum up my point......get into ALANON or AA. There by either program you will
come to realize, his pleads to stays, his threats to do harm, his put downs on you (if he
is doing this) are part of the disease. It is HIS choice to stay sick and continue to drink.
It is YOUR choice to enable him by YOUR fears ect. You have a CHOICE to take care of
YOU and YOU ONLY. If it comes to "kicking" him out and he does any of these things,
YOU have the choice to tell yourself (and him) that you are going to take care of YOU from now on and in order to get healthy this is what you have decided that YOU will no longer
be a part of HIS disease.
Yes, I had those fears. I cried and cried when I heard about the gun incident. However,
I also realized that had it happened or should it ever........IT WAS HIS CHOICE. Suicide
is a cry for help, this is truth. HOWEVER, if the person refuses to listen to the help that
is provided there is nothing YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. Whether the sufferer of disease,
is genetically predisposed or it has progressed over a period of time, they ALWAYS have
the choice to take control of it and get help.
For me personally, though initially I was for an intervention, I NOW think in my situation
that it probably wouldn't have worked. Another point, he told me he loved our children
very very much. He has told each of them at one time or another after he left when he
seen or heard of them drinking that he hoped they would cease. He didn't want them
to end up like him....... On serveral occassions they each have went to him and BEGGED
him to stop. Both parties have professed their love for each other. He has done some
really nice things for our children. Yet their love has yet to be enough motivation for him
to stop. My assessment from all the literature I've read put out by AA among ALOT of others
one entering a recovery program has little self esteem/love for themselves. It is through
the journey of these programs that one learns this.....to have love for themselves in order
to stop the self destructive behavior. This is a personal choice and one unfortunately
another cannot MAKE for them.
I don't know if any of this share will help you decide what to do. You will have
to make that CHOICE for yourself. What you feel is best for YOU.
I will keep you in my prayers as I do all those, both the alcoholics and their families/friends that are effect directly by this disease.
Wishing you the best.
learning aka Wanda

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((((Jaime))))))),

When AH was sober he use to be called to do interventions. You can call the local AA and they will do one or at least talk to you about options. They are addicts talking to addicts. Sometimes they succeed, sometimes not. Most people agree that interventions don't always work. But perhaps the seed will be planted. They may get him into detox as a start. As for funding, there are services available. A got hospital funding. Check with the local patient advocate if he gets addmitted into a local hospital program. If you really want him out of the house, you have to prepared to enforce it. Otherwise it's an empty threat. Keep taking care of you. Love and blessings to you.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty aww

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