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So Friday I'm at the restaurant getting ready to eat and the phone rings and it's him saying "what are you doing"... I'm about to eat lunch... mind you we were supposed to meet for lunch and I decided I wasn't going to call him back to schedule it and he never called me... So he says I just now got out... and I'm thinking HUH? Duh of course! He was in jail again. It wasn't his fault, it was one of his roommates... What were the charges?? Breaking and Entering. Not really sure how you get the wrong guy for that one??? So he's out on bail. Who bailed him out...some friends...I don't have any friends like that!!!
So he begs can I PLEASE come see the kids! And I say ok whatever call me when you're ready to do that. So 7am the next morning my phone starts ringing. I finally get it at almost 10 and since I have to work he decides that's not enough time. He wants to see them Sunday. Sunday is my ONLY day off work but I have had them EVERY Sunday... and every other day for that matter for the past 18 months so I say OK... and he agrees to call me Saturday with the time to meet. He finally calls at around 10 Saturday night. My rules are I drop them off at the beach that is 3 miles from my house. I pick them up when he's done. I'm not staying, we aren't visiting, he's not getting in my car, etc. He's upset because the oldest doesn't want to see him and it's HER fault our marriage is ending... YA ok being a drunk and an addict with nothing to offer has nothing to do with it. We agree I drop them off at 10:30 and pick them up at 2:30. He tries several times to fenagle me into driving him somewhere and I make it clear that's not going to happen.
Sunday comes, he calls and says he has no money, can I pack them a lunch...this is about 15 minutes after I told them that they are going to see him. I agree and pack up a few snacks begrudgingly. I drop them off and he's there at the scheduled time. He asks if I have a light, a match (remember I quit smoking) so no I don't. I tell him I'll be back at 2:30 and he says he told his ride 3 so I say ok I'll come at 3 then. When I show up at 3 to pick them up they are in the parking lot and he asks again for a light. NO still don't have one! Then he says he forgot he told his ride 4 not 3 and asks me if I have a jacket in the trunk he can have. I'm really getting irritated now. I just happen to have a couple of boxes of stuff that I'm taking to the thrift store so I pull out some flannel sheets and give them to him. It's pretty obvious at this point that the ride probably isn't coming back and he had either only arranged a ride one way OR he had an unreliable person give the ride. So I leave. I got 2 collect calls on my cell phone last night and he was still in my area at almost 8 pm which is about time it starts getting dark. I am still having pangs of irritation and guilt about not rescuing him but I know that would be extremely stupid of me.
SO I am irritated that he doesn't plan, doesn't have patience and wait till the timing is good and he's actually prepared to do this. The kids said that he ate most of their snacks so I think he's probably starving. When I talked to him on the phone he said his boss was using again so I'm guessing he doesn't have a job anymore.
Way to GO CG!!! I woke up thinking about you today and wondering how it all played out. From what you've written it sounds like he is homeless and hoovering hard to get right back where he wants to be. To these "men" children are nothing but pawns in the game of "TAKE CARE OF MEEEEE". I think you were very, very brave in letting him have alone time with the kids. Now, stick tight to those boundries and if you waver (I know how hard it is to watch the man we loved and the father of our kids look so pathetic and KNOW that WE are the answer to their prayers) remember that having no contact is actually for his own benefit. If he is ever going to find sobriety and be a functioning member of society and a father to his kids it will be his own doing. I know you know all that. It's just hard when they are right there and our pattern, our "thing" is to fix/help. You did awsome!
Awesome! Man its hard to remember that they are full grown adult men who are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves if they so choose, isn't it? Sounds like the only real reason he wanted to see the kids is to get lunch and hopefully suck you back in. Good for you for not jumping into that rats nest again. He can thumb his own ride home. Now you really know you can stand your ground and defend yourself. You did great!
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
How hard must that have been, you did so well. Great that youkept to the boundaries you set out.
Sad that the children had to see him in that state though it shows he has no real deep thought for them for him to take their pack-ups. Such a distressing scenario. I will pray for his acceptance of himself and his situation, and hope he gets to rock bottom, and sick of being sick of his empty world.
Good that you responded with the blankets, it shows willingness to show care for him, albeit at ARMS LENGTH and I think the children will notice these sorts of things more than perhaps credit is given to this, though I am glad that you did not give way and take him back to your place.
Thinking of you each day as I go about my business. Keep on keeping on. You are doing just fine.
Love
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
The older one was "bored" but otherwise they were happy with it as far as I can tell. I really appreciated that my son didn't cry when we drove off and left daddy there. He used to cry and cry every time his dad left.
- let's focus on what you did RIGHT here! Woo-hoo!