The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It is hard to tell my AH this. He is doing pretty well, has 6 months sober. But he often gets into this frame of mind that he seems to want reactions from me that validate his feelings about himself. So we had a discussion yesterday, before he left, about how I feel when he acts like this. He hovers around me, blocks my movement around the house (which is cramped enough so that it is irritating even when someone is not blocking your path), and wants constant attention like hugs and kisses.
I tried very gently, but firmly to explain to him that this behavior is not just irritating, but is actually repulsive to me. It is an affront to my personal security and freedom of movement. Not to mention my freedom to display my affection when I want and not when he demands it. When he does this I feel no affection for him whatsoever. I feel anxiety around him. I feel on guard constantly. I feel trapped in my own home. And I feel that if it continues that love can be lost over it. (I like the quote that says "love cannot exist without a measure of justice") Now it is not that extreme, now, but it was in the past. And it was one of those insidious abuses that aren't recognised until real damage has been done.
I am understanding of the issue. I know it is a question of changing attitudes, not just behavior. It is about a persons attitude of self acceptance. He wants me to make him feel worthwhile. I can't do that. He has to find his value inside himself, the same way I work my program to do the same thing for myself.
I got a pm the other day from someone asking me to clarify a point I made in a post. When I saw the sender, my first reaction was, "Oh no, I finally said something to offend someone." Then I read the message and was almost shocked that someone would want ME to elaborate on some suggestion I had made. ME. So then I had to look at my reactions and really break them down. My own sense of self worth is still very shaky. I am getting better, but then something happens that my reaction tells me that I have a ways to go.
So I have had time now and a day to myself to think about it, and I really do appreciate where my AH is right now. I know how much progress he has made. I am going to resolve to set more careful boundaries and enforce them, even when it isn't comfortable or convenient. And try to deal with the feelings of resentment that plague me about having to feel like the boundaries police all the time. After all, this is life and the lack of healthy boundaries is probably one of the most important factors that got me into this mess to start with.
I will remind myself over and over that my resentments stem from my own unreasonable expectations (An A is not going to just follow the rules I set just because I say so. DUH!)(He is not going to gain healthy behaviors on MY schedule. grrr.)
So there is where I'm at tonight. Thanks for letting me get it out.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I can relate to your post. In fact I knew exactly what it was about just by reading the title. My AH does the same things and it drives me nuts too. I respond the same way, and have had the same conversation. One thing that I realized about myself was that my resentments kept me from giving out compliments to him when he deserved them. I found that I only criticized, but rarely praised. For the past several months I have made a concerted point to keep my mouth shut (most of the time) when something small happens that would have unleashed my wrath. In exchange, I have made an effort to offers compliments small and large at times when they are deserved, a simple 'you look nice today' goes a long way to building someone's self-esteem.
I know it is hard and annoying, but his guilt is overwhelming and his self-conception is distorted. It is going to take time for that to change and heal. In the meantime, let him know when he does something worth complimenting, especially when he isn't expecting it, and keep working your program and sticking to your boundaries. Babysteps
I understand where you are coming from. However there is a flip side to this for my A. As a child he was beaten and emotionally abused by his mother. On top of that he has a disability. Add addiction into the mix and his self-esteem is in the toilet. As a chronic relapser he beats himself when he relapses, he beats himself up when he spills things (his mother used to hit him for that) and he is hypersensitive when he thinks he does anything to upset me. So my A is needy when he's sober and when he's not. More so when he's sober. After screwing up for so long, anything he does "right" needs affirmation from me. Yes, it's a bit like reassuring a scared child that they really aren't all that bad. Now when you add recovery into the formula, they are realizing how screwed up they were. Talk about adding more fuel to the fire.
There are nights when I come home from work and I need "just for me" time before I attend to his needs. Yes, it can be draining on me. I try and remind myself that I have not walked the path that he has. He has issues he's working on in mental health. But it's a long road. I am trying to be more patient with him. I have discussed with him that sometimes I come home from work and I need space for a bit. It has nothing to do really with him. It's just at that point and time I can't be as loving and attentive as I would like to be. I can be rather short tempered, especially if work has been difficult. But that is my short coming not his.
I think I would try and be as supportive as I could be yet reminding him what my needs are. The fact that you can talk about it is a really good things. Some people in recovery shut down. Continued success for both of your recoveries. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
What an incredibly beautiful post, Jen. Thanks so much for it. You found the words I hadn't been able to find with your title. And you are so right on about how our own self esteem is shaky at best at times and that we do not need them globbing onto us to try to suck what little of it we have managed to build up. A's can be such vampires!!!
You are very thoughtful and articulate and I love to read what you write here. Please keep writiing! Hugs, J.
Yes, he does need lots of cudos for the things he has done well and I try always too be able to give them. A pat on the back is really a good thing, however I also know that I cannot MAKE him feel good about himself. And if I get too often with the compliments, he invariably will expect more and more. He has to look into himself to find/build the true security in a more realistic self image. He has to deal with the distortions that are there due to the way he was raised and his disease. He has to learn to accept himself warts and all. I cannot do that for him, though we often talk about these things and reason and dig into ourselves together.
I really have for the most part enjoyed many parts of this journey. When things are progressing positively they are wonderful. Growth is not usually easy, but I find it very satisfying.
As you said though, Karilyn, sometimes I just need my space. It has nothing to do with him. I just need to readjust my boundaries, and with work getting busier as spring comes, now is the time to focus on that.
And there was a time that I seemed to do nothing but critisize, Babysteps (I almost wrote BS for short and that made me laugh. LOL). But I have made a concerted effort to change that not only for my AH, but also for my children. Everyone is a lot happier as we now have a generally more positive than negative attitude around our house now.
Yes, Jean, they can be real vampires, but only if we allow it. I try not to let him do this. For one thing it doesn't make him happier, just makes him more needy and miserable.
Thanks all for listening. It is good to be heard.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Jen: It is so good to see that you have been able to post on this site again. It is also great that you were able to get all that out! I sincerely care about you and everything that goes on in your life. Keep up the good work and keep taking care of YOU! I am tired today due to lack of sleep. I am going to rest today and do whatever I can to take it easy. Easy does it, but do it! Don't let him get you down and remember we are all works in progress! I just wanted to let you know that I am here either by this site or by phone since we can't see each other every day! I know you will be there for me if I need you, too. The program works if you work it!
