The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sheesh. Just now as I was reading some of the posts here, my husband finished up writing his separate check to pay rent.
After he hands me his check, he asks. "So are we still going to keep our money separate or what?"
I just said calmly... "Hmm. Yeah. For the time being."
"Well, if you ask me, it's a big pain in the ass." was his response.
I just shrugged and didn't say a WORD.
Whew. Missed that landmine. Now time to keep a sharp eye out for all the other landmines he's going to lay out because he's now grumpy and chose to take offense.
HP, please walk with me closely tonight. Time to read some more of my Al-anon literature.
Good going. It's nice to know we do not have to participate.
Someone on here once said something about it takes two to fight. If I refuse to participate its just him throwing a tantrum, and I'm perfectly willing to let him throw a tantrum and look childish. I like to look at those little digs as mini fits. It helps me keep a sense of humor about them. I can sometimes even picture them siting on the floor with a bib around their neck and a pucker on their face, griping about having to write a separate check. It looks like a looney tunes cartoon. Sooo funny. OK I'll stop.
I'm not being disrespectful, really. It just helps me to not react when I can see vividly how rediculous it all is. :)
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
You can't have a tug-of-war if only one person's pulling on the rope. I refuse to pick up the other end.
I was right that more landmines were in my future last night. It was only a matter of time until the pity party came on. I just sat there and listened and tried not to feed into it. It was tough. It's hard sitting there being their little emotional punching bag and not fighting back. But it was a ridiculous thing to fight over. How many times in the past when our finances were joined would he tell me "It's only money" - not any more, I guess.
Oh well, I let him vent, didn't try to fight him OR please him. Just sat and listened and just didn't give in on the separate finance thing.
He went to bed all mad at me last night. I just wanted to tell him I loved him last night, but I knew NOTHING I could say would have been okay to him (except for "I'm sorry, we'll join our finances" - but THAT wasn't going to come out of me.)
I had awful nightmares about him going back to his old stuff, threatening to commit suicide and such. I woke before our alarms went off and just put my arm around him so at least I could display my love that way without him attacking that.
I know better, though, than to go into the "whys" as to why I'm keeping my finances separate from him. It boils down to a trust thing, where I just don't trust that he's going to be responsible with the money.
And the last time I had that "discussion" with him about my not trusting him, it just blew up in our faces. So I wasn't going to go there. He KNOWS it's a trust thing, but instead of admitting that his past actions created this financial separation and WORKING on showing me he's trustworthy by working on himself, he just sits and whines about it.
Too. Freaking. Bad.
Last night he kept with his little empty threats, too: "Well maybe I'm just going to do what makes ME happy then!" (which means ... uh ... what? drinking, divorcing me... who knows), but I didn't take THAT bait either. I know he wanted me to jump and be all "No! Not that!" but I just said nothing. Just nodded my head.
I CANNOT REASON WITH AN ALCOHOLIC IN DENIAL!
The whole time he was sitting there feeling sorry for himself, I just kept asking my HP to wrap me in a protective blanket that would deflect all AH's discord and self-pity and protect me from jumping in with him.
It worked. Thank you, HP.
This morning he seemed to be in a better mood.
I'm just starting to DREAD nights. Every night he starts up again - and I know it's because of his going through withdrawals. Just wish he'd find a healthy outlet (like... oh... I don't know... AA!!!) and TALK it out with people who understand.
He told me Saturday morning he does have the desire not to drink. And he wants to attend AA meetings, but on his terms. Fine. I won't open my mouth about another AA meeting again. Even the one that's at the same time as my Friday Al-Anon meeting. When I'm going to it, I'll just tell him "I'm going to the Al-Anon meeting." and leave it at that. If he wants to go to the AA meeting, too, he can ask.
Okay, enough enough enough about HIM.
I'm going to another Al-anon meeting tonight. It'll be the completion of my Al-Anon blast - there's two on Tuesdays, but the one at noon is like an hour and a half long - it must be a speaker meeting maybe? I don't know how appropriate it is for me to get up and leave in the middle of a meeting to go back to work. The other one's down south... and traffic is just too horrible. I moved to town to avoid that awful traffic.
I've scoped out a potential sponsor, though at my Sunday meeting... she's in my sights... I ended up talking with another member, though, and didn't get the time to ask her if she could be my sponsor. Next time I see her, though, I'm going to try!
Aloha, I can sooooo relate, just wanted you to know I totally get what you are talking about. Yes, absolutely: if he just sits and whines instead of getting his butt in gear and working to earn lost trust- i am so with you, sister. Nice work, its inspiring and really good for me to read this am after what I went through with bait recently, too. Hugs, J.
PS: you have every right to get up and leave any al-anon meeting whenever you want. I have done this. We all understand that people have jobs, appointments, etc. especially in a longer meeting...don't let that stop u from going.
Thanks Jean - it's good to know that about the leaving in the middle of a meeting thing. If anything, maybe I'll switch it up or something - some weeks be there at the beginning, and others come late and be there for the end.
It's spooky how you and I seem to have some sort of parallel reality going on with our A's.
LOL!! I was just in a meeting yesterday where we were talking about all A's being cloned somewhere, some dark mysterious land where all the A's are precisely and exactly all identical and are marching to where the rest of us are year after year, day after day like an alien invasion!! In this meeting, one woman's stories were so identical to my own, it was astonishing. Down to the smallest details. Like clockwork, this happens often for me.
Actually, I see it as a sign from HP that its gonna be OK and that we are not alone and that we are on the right track. HP wants me to PAY ATTENTION. Alot of this kind of syncrenisity (sp?) has been happening for me lately, its so incredible. Sometimes a little spooky but its all good stuff so I am just gonna roll with it. Big hugs and aloha to you, dear. J.
You're right... I think some things are sort of meant to be. I was admitting to myself yesterday, both in a phone call to my parents and in my Al-anon meeting, that my HP feels I really need to LEARN something here.
I bailed on my first lesson when I moved to New Jersey to live with a dry drunk but habitual pot-smoker (okay... an addict!). But this guy was scary. Sex-obsessed, paranoid... there were a few times I started to fear for my life, although he never became physically abusive with me. He definitely drew out MY worst traits, though.
So I got out of there.
I think maybe my HP wanted me to learn something from that relationship, though, and I guess I didn't learn the right things, because now my HP said, "Okay. Fine then. I'm going to stick you on an island in the middle of the Pacific so you can't run from it again!" So like you said, my HP wants me to PAY ATTENTION. No more running home to my family for shelter. Time to grow up and learn!
I was just in a meeting yesterday where we were talking about all A's being cloned somewhere, some dark mysterious land where all the A's are precisely and exactly all identical and are marching to where the rest of us are year after year, day after day like an alien invasion!!
LOL!!! Oh Jean - I REALLY needed to read that and have a good laugh. It makes me feel SOOOOO less alone to know that we all get the sense about our A's. They are all remarkably similar, aren't they? And here we stand with our shield of Al-Anon defense.....ready for all that they can dish out! (ha...not really.....but I'm TRYING). Oh gosh - I needed that laugh.
