honesty - Al-Anon Family Group

needhelp · Newbie

honesty

serendipity · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome. I remember so vividly having that conversation with my AH. Begging him to be honest with someone, anyone. I knew that he will stay sick as long as he keeps his secrets. I knew all of his secrets up to a point. Then he went and made new ones.

But I learned here, I can't cure it, I can't control it, I didn't cause it. There is NOTHING I can do to help him get or stay sober. Believe me, I tried. I tried it all. But the 4th C I have heard is I can contribute to it. The very best thing we can do for our A is to get out of the way. Turn the focus back to ourselves. Telling his secrets, I don't know if that would be helpful for him. Another thing I hear in this program is What's MY motive? If I can keep "my side of the street" clean then I am on the way. I have been where you are and I know how hard it is. Just keep comming, get to some face to face meetings and start to read the liturature. You will feel better. And if your A finds sobriety, this will give you a common language. If he doesn't your life will still improve.

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

I know it was a big turning point for me when I stopped lying for my AH. (I really didn't realize how much I was either, until I stopped.) I just told him that I wasn't going to bring it up, but if anyone asks from now on I will not lie for him anymore. And that's what I did. It really didn't make a lot of difference. He was a good liar too, but mostly nobody cared that much about his secrets anyway.

For me, though, I could stop hiding his problem from our customers. I refused to make calls for him and make excuses when he was late to jobs. I started screening my calls in the midday a lot of the time, so I didn't have to talk to customers almost every day about why he was not there yet. And with some that I knew better, I was honest. I no longer would let a person think there was something wrong with their horses' personality when the horse simply didn't trust him cause he was high. duh. (Horses much more sensitive than we are sometimes.)

I hardly ever talk to his family because his lies have ruined that relationship, but I told him that I would not lie to them either.

The thing for me was to no longer allow myself to compromise my morals and values because of his sickness. And in the process he had to deal with more of the consequences himself.

Anyway, that's my experience. Hope it helps.

In recovery,

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

Also, welcome to MIP. Sorry I got carried away with my response.

And get to a face2face meeting if you can. There is simply nothing else like them for support. And keep coming back here.

Still in recovery,

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Needhelp!!

This is the place along with Al-Anon Face to Face meetings in your area to get the real help that you need. Serendipity gave you the "3c's" and they are an important mindset and attitude. There is much more to learn and one of those is the attitude of "hands off" the alcoholic and stick with getting help for yourself. This is the most cunning powerful and baffling disease around and I learn that because it is incurable that the alcoholic in my life had three choices, sobriety, insanity or death. I also learned that I needed help because I had been seriously affected by the disease also. I learned that I had three choices serenity, insanity or death.

Al-Anon is for you and other friends, family, associates of alcoholics/addicts.
Sit down and keep an open mind. Listen and ask for more feedback over time. You cannot get this over night. We'll be glad to support you on your journey.

((((((hugs))))))) smile

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

Need, I attended an al-anon speakers meeting recently and a young 25 year old man from AA was there. he had been in recovery for 4 years. He was an incredible young man.

He told us he was the best liar on the face of the earth and I could see this was true. His face was that of an angel, so pure and earnest, so boyish and impish and full of innocence and light. He was raised in an upper middle class home and had everything a young person could ever need. he had it all!! This is a disease of lying, liars and deep deep denial. They say that you can tell when an alcoholic is lying: their lips are moving.

There is some excellent advice here, please heed it and place the focus on yourself, not him. Visualize wrapping him up in a really beautiful warm blanket and handing him over to his invincible higher power to take care of him. You are a mere mortal. Hugs and good luck and please attend some F2F meetings asap- J.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Well good for you that you have been reading about the process of recovery from Alcoholism. Some of how I have recovered from the A is to focus on me What do I need, I take the focus off him and put it on me. If he is off somewhere which is was all the time I lived with him I put the focus on me and what it is I need. I can be forever on what he needs, on the state of his recovery, what he needs, then somewhere along the line I lose myself.

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.