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I know I should not be angry-but I am. My Mom lives in the samw city as my sister. So My sister basically is my Mom's #l caregiver. Mom is 82 but is fine i her own home. My sis in my opinion is very co-dependent. Her 2 adult married daughters are always at her home, eating, laying around etc.. with their kids, husbands..whatever--they almost "live" at her house. Well everyone in the my family - calls my sis with family news--good or bad. My have asked my sis so many times to PLEASE call me or even e-amail me---She HATES the phone. Well yesterday she got bad news about SIL and never called me--but called my Mom and let a message about SIL illness. My mom called me, -sister was not home for Mom to call her... anyway Mom is all upset......didn't your sister call you?? Then Mom starts with sister's kids there everynite, eating at sisters house blah, blah. OK help me here............ #l that is not my Mom's business--and why tell me...#2 I am pi----- with my sister--should I be?? all I want is a simple call to let me know?? I don't know---I guess I need something more in my life--I worry so much mostly about my adult children and bad things that can happen to them and grandchildren---I have learned well-as I am EXACTLY like my Mom. We have had about 5 deaths -and they were all tradgic--so Mom has always been "What if" and now I am like that__Please Help!
Oh how easy it is to be just like mom!!! I fully understand it as I am like that and worry too much about future, what ifs, and things well beyond my control. I always said I would NEVER be like my mom and her incessant worrying, but here I am at age 65 just like her. She is now 87 and has stopped showing her worry at all because she is in heart failure and her memory has failed. It is so unlike her to not be expressing her concern for everyone and everything!!! You know, I kind of miss those conversations now that she is sick, but I am glad for her that she isn't worrying anymore....seemingly not even about herself!
Your sister must have her reasons for refusing to call you even when you have asked her to. Perhaps that is HER control??? I can understand why you feel aggravated and perhaps even hurt with this, but hopefully you can try consciously letting it go. You might tell yourself that no news is good news!!! And indeed it usually is!!!
The future will unfold as it is meant to. Today is what our life is...right now... today... this very minute. (At least I TRY to hold onto that thought!)
Anger is an ok emotion to have and it sounds like you have more than your reasons for having anger issues with your sister. It's what you do with that anger that's of importance. You are right that it is not your mother's about your sister's kids, why tell you? She wants to commisserate and continue in the family illness.
Expectations: you can ask your sister to phone or email you news about your family (who's SIL?) but you can't make her do it. Step 1: powerless over people places and things. Your HP got the news to you about SIL so HP is still at work in your life.
Easy Does It: Projecting about catastrophies rarely keeps them from happening, and if they don't happen we've wasted all that energy on worrying about something thata didn't happen.
Take a deep breath and ask yourself other ways you could get family news. Your mom called you on this one maybe she could call you on other important family news. Just a suggestion.
You said "I guess I need something more in my life" I would sit down and look at that statement a little more deeply. What is it your looking for? Is there something that you've always wanted to do and haven't? Go for it. Anything I've found is a good antidote to family craziness.
When I got Busy I Got Better is a good al-anon book for Service work. I've done some service work for my home group and I can say from experience it gets my mind off the things that are bothering me. Same goes for working our program and reading the literature, going to lots of meetings when the family 'crazies' get us.
Good luck and God Bless your ma 82 and still living at home and taking care of herself. My mother is 85 and lives with us, but I encourage her to stay independent as she can in everything that she does, because that is her ticket to a long life, take their independence away from them and they will go down fast.
I believe it is called "triangulated relationships". I have heard it mentioned many times in the rooms. Seems very common in alcoholic families. Not much in mine as I am an only child. Sometimes I wish I had a sister or brother to "triangulate" with! Someone else to try and get thru to my mother.
I would be angry if I were you. I hate being left out of the loop as it seems I am always blamed for not doing the next right thing. How could I when I didn't even know what was going on!?Crazymaking! I guess it is back to the 3 A's= awareness, acceptence, action.
Here is what I did. Drop kick the whole darn scene for about 10 years. Then I returned and made a new ADULT connection with my mom (as in adult to adult as opposed to parent to little kid) that was completely separate from my sister. Then I began work with my sister and have my own very separate really positive adult to adult relationship with my sister.
Whenever mom says: "did you talk to your sister" or "did Julie tell you", I say NO. Whenever mom says "Julie did this or that, etc.(basically badmouthing my sister)" I say "gee, sorry you feel that way, why don't you speak directly with her about that." and completely drop it.
Whenever my sister says "did you talk to mom" or "did mom tell you", I say NO. Whenever my sister says "mom did this or that, etc. (again usually badmouthing_" I say "gee, sorry you feel that way, why don't you speak directly with her about that." and completely drop it.
This is how I terminated triangulation in my relationship with my sister (who I really love) and my mom (who is a dry a with no recovery/program) who I also love a lot.
Thanks for your post, it helped me to see how far I have come in dealing with my family dysfunction. Hugs, J.
You know this was very much my relationship with both my sisters. I never got any information it was all third hand stuff that I felt I had to pull out of people. When I read this I see how this was much of the way I dealt with he A constant chronic frustration and never getting the information I needed. I lived, slept breathed resentment. I try to be pretty clear in my communications these days. I set limits, I ask clearly. Do I get what I need hardly.
I do not think that changing a chronic pattern often works first time. For me its as Stephen Levine says don't go for the 300 lb weight. Changes had to be for me in new areas. Witness I can set boundaries and limits with new people in my life. I can be totally triggered by some people, do I try to change my behavior interation with them nope. Do I review, check back in with myself, yep.
So for me personally I really try to be aware when I am triggered and work on that and not get too exhausted. I try to work with HALT because otherwise I find myself over the edge.
I do not have very high expectations of a relationship with my sisters. I once did. I had huge fantasies they would recover. Somehow setting my expectations differently helps but I had to do a lot of grieving to get there.
I think in time as I get better with the program and boundareis I will go to the heavier weight of dealing with family relationships. Right now I do not. I am exhausted enough without putting that on me too. There was a time I was so numb or flooded that I had no idea what to approach and when to do it. These days after hitting so many bottoms around the A I am willing to move more slowly.
Crazymaking! I guess it is back to the 3 A's= awareness, acceptence, action.