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Hi family, just a note of some thoughts and questions I have been having. I thought you might be able to help me out-
I have been thinking about an earlier post from Maresie about merging and people-pleasing and I began to wonder: what would it look like NOT to merge and people please but still connect and be in some kind of intimate contact with someone? What the heck does that look like?! So, I got to thinking and making some picture because it helps me to think sometimes when I make pictures and lists, charts, etc.
One column is labeled at the top with with the big word: PHONEY. Next to that is a column labeled at the top with the big word: REAL.
Below PHONEY is a circle with another tiny circle inside. This tiny circle is labeled ME. The bigger circle surrounding the tiny circle is filled with the words: CONTORTION: "what they want from me". Below this circle is the word DISHONEST and then "pleasing others".
Below REAL is a big circle with the word ME inside. Plain and simple. Below this circle is the word HONEST and then "being myself".
OK, now there are these two columns below each circle
Column one (the PHONEY column) says: consistently checking others responses, facial gestures, body language, tone of voice. Care and concern for others and how they are reacting to me at all times. Do they smile? Nod? Look into my eyes? Am I "getting in"? Are they listening to me and taking me in? Am I getting under their skin? Am I beginning to influence them? Are they under my spell? Do they like me? Do they want to stay with me?
Column two (the REAL column) says: consistently staying with myself, How am I feeling? What do I think? Am I comfortable? Do I feel good? Do I feel understood? Do I want to be here? Is this a good conversation I am in? Is this person being respectful of me? Am I learning something new and useful? Am I experiencing some feelings? What are they, exactly? Are the questions I am asking this person based on what I truly want to find out or are they just tools to stroke this persons ego so they will like me?
What do you guys think? What does it look like when you are NOT people pleasing and merging and you in a social situation? I really need some role modeling on this one. Thanks- J.
Jean - I LOVE this question. Really makes me think. I know I'm living somewhere in between the two columns. For me, I find that it really depends on the person I've come in contact with. I'm no longer "impressed" by a lot of folks I come in contact with. This is BRAND NEW for me. I no longer sing, dance, and do cartwheels to attract and entertain folks. I simply put the best "me" out there every day - at work, and socially. The confident "me" that has an opinion (although, I'm not really into beating someone senseless with my opinion....I realize it's just an opinion....not a fact). And I no longer agree with other people's opinions so that they will like me. I'm all grown up now. I don't have to prove anything or convince anyone that I'm right. I'm comfortable in my own skin.
And that part of me that isn't "impressed" by everyone I come in contact with? Well....I am polite and kind, but my boundary is to not search high and low for common ground. We either click (and I'm talking anyone...not potential dates), or we don't click, but I really and truly don't waste precious energy on that one.
I have found myself in a social situation with a new friend that is clingy and needy and desperately wanting to be friends with me. I NEVER would have noticed these qualities a couple of years ago. I would have been so impressed that she wanted to hang out with me, that I wouldn't have seen the glaring red flags. I'm putting up some barriers around me and being honest with her that I would like to go X place with her, but that my time is really limited to do much else. That neediness simply makes me uncomfortable these days.
So Jean, I would have to say that I'm more comfortable these days in Column 2. But certainly there are moments and days that I spend in Column 1 - but my recovery is making those days fewer and fewer. Not to say I don't have "blind spots" - and anyone who's read my posts knows that I've got one huge one. And that's the one I tackle every day. My goal is to live All of my relationships and experiences in Column 2.
I've come to realize more and more each day, through the help of this program, that I cannot bend and mold myself to everyone's (or anyone's!) demands or desires. I am me. Take me or leave me. If I change to please someone else - then part of me gets chipped away.
I want to be able to look into the mirror and feel like I am one whole person - that my thoughts and my actions are in sync. And I want to be proud of the woman looking back at me. I'm not a doormat, nor am I a domineering woman. I want to meet the people in my life on a level playing field.
I use the slogan, "What others think of me is none of my business" and it works. I also no longer feel the need to prove myself because my best is good enough. I also don't think about how this person thinks of me, but what do I think about this person. Great post Jean.
I can't seem to answer this question because of my need to people please. So I won't. Ive written a few replies to this post and even more to the post about merging. Erased them all.
I'm pretty sure more focus should be on rejoining life than isolating from it.
I like these questions Jean and the replies too. When I read it a day or so ago I couldn't understand it at first and that says something too - Sometimes I am not alert and able to focus on being who I really am.
Today when I read it again, I can get it all - clear and more alert just like sometimes I am more confident in my progress so the renewed confidence and trying to increase my self worth helps me to be more who I really am.
Who I really am is a question in itself. I lost myself in this disease though I remember who I used to be before I gave all my power away. I am standing up for myself in small ways and more often but still who I am today is not who I was long ago before this disease dragged me down or held me back. I am getting reacquainted with myself, what I want to do, how I want to be treated, who I want to be with.
I had isolated and a few years ago I made time to find a few new friends. Now I find that I only am really close to one of those because it is mutually supportive and encouraging. I am more focused on the quality of the friendship or the positive outlook or fun & time well spent activity.
I thought it was a talent to be able to read people so well - it can be if used in a positive way and not just for people pleasing. I also learned that my perceptions from reading people can also not be correct sometimes and I can ask if I am reading them right or not. Makes for a lot less misunderstandings and less negative self talk sometimes too.
I still feel my rebel come out as I dress like who I am but in the opposite way of my perception of what I think others think I should be. Is that crazy or what!? I am enjoying learning to refocus on myself and looking forward to who I really am today by my own choice not others and not from yesterday. It's a brand new day to be me and can't wait to get to know me again finally.
Not sure if I answered your questions but I do agree with R3's last paragraph with a resounding "Yes! me too!!", Kissers' reply and Tugg's too - "I'm pretty sure more focus should be on rejoining life than isolating from it." isn't that the truth! We are all walking in the right direction and that is what I call progress!!
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Thankyou for this post Jean it's very relevent to where I am at in my ralationship with my Ah at the moment.
I feel like a little mouse right now, and the cat just lifts it's paw long enough to allow me to think I got a clean away, only to feel it's claws come back down on me, and to pull me back in.
I must be making progress though, because I am aware of whats happening now, what I am struggling with however, is how much of what I am doing is because I choose to do, other than being manipulated into doing so, I can't seem to work this out, or even understand how to, really.
Something else too, I only just descovered, is that my husband needs me to make his own enjoyment, he won't do anything away from me, and because I have stopped isolating and have found a life outside of this it's causing problems, I am so carefree without him around, which makes being with him, ever harder still, I have strted to feel guilty now that I'm leaving him behind, so much so that this weekend I have lost myself again trying to please!
Just my input. I would not put "phoney" about something I did. I think there is an adage to act as if. Of course for me to not people please is totally foreign aso I act as if. I acted as if all weekend holding boundaries against the guy I dated last week. He pushed and pushed to get me to pay attention to him. I did not. I held up but holding boundaries is new to me (so much easier to practice with new people).
I like ddub, read your post a couple of days ago and just could not get my head around it. I came back and re-read it a couple more times before I got it untangled in my head.
In the end I just had to go back to your question: "So, what do you do if you don't people please?"
People pleasing seems to have diminished as my confidence in ME has increased. I do not NEED people to like me, and so I do not need to people please. I am trusting my own judgment more and do not need to be 'miss popular', well if I am honest, I have never bothered much with being 'miss popular' as I am rather shy and would rather be out of the limelight than in the limelight.
So, I believe that the answer to your question "So, what do you do if you don't people please?" is, I stay true to myself...TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE (Hamlet, Will Shakespeare).
Clever old bard was he, and I like to live by that measure, for I then feel that I am not compromising myself and I am not therefore, compromising my INTEGRITY which I value greatly, for that is all that I have left of myself after being stripped of everything else.
-- Edited by Heartbroken at 18:03, 2008-03-03
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
