The material presented
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hello i have a situation brewing. Non program people wouldn't understand my issue here. I have a very good friend. She's seen me through the early days with my AH. She never judged me. She saw me through my separation and getting back together with my AH. She was a shoulder to cry on and I could vent without worrying she would judge me or my AH. My AH is now 18 months sober and we are living our recovery programs. Obviously with the blips that come with his ISM's and my anxieties.
Now my friend is admitting to having a problem with alcohol. She knows but won't get help. I've sent her info and the locations of her local groups. I've been the shoulder to cry on, plus made light of it...saying ...brilliant we can go to conventions together now you've joined the 'group'.
Both my program and my AH's program says keep a distance and let her find her own way, so we really don't say much.
As her dis ease is progressing she is becoming demanding. The lastest request being that I speak to her 21 year old son and his girlfriend and ask them to move out of her house with their baby !!!!! because she can't cope and I would be better to explain that to him!!!! Obviously I've said no, and explained he wouldn't listen to me anyway. I've invited her son to come stay with me for the odd weekend, but really can't do more. She's told me that if anything happens to her, her children will be legally my responsibility !!!!! (As agreed between ourselves when they were babies. I've never signed anything) I feel I'm being sucked into the alcoholic madness, but don't want to be unsupportive or judgemental ... or lose her as a friend. Her drinking IS affecting her charactor though.
I don't know how to handle this at all. Am I right to be concerned or just not working my program? I'm getting confused about what I can or should be doing here. You lot have such vast experience between you. What do you think? I know I can share safely here Mon
Same way you dealt with it when the A was your Significant Other - focus on yourself, keep your boundaries, detach with love, say what you mean, mean what you say, get to meetings and talk it out....
Sorry that you are going through this again - it really does suck, doesn't it?
This is absolutely a place you can share safely. I think in some ways it gets harder to be in program. Rather than think I can solve everyone's problems I am willing to let them deal with them. I am no longer the queen of the world! What a hard thing to be Melody Beattie put it pretty well in book on the 12 steps, if someone had a need I felt I had to fill it. I was there! Now taking care of me is a top priority and i look at that and taking care of my dogs as pretty important. Before taking care of me was my last priority. Of course my issue is not knowing how to take care of me.
Can you look at this as a boundary exercise. Practising boundaries is so hard for us codependents. When you friend says stuff to induce guilt you can name it and not take it on. I took on so much guilt and blame from the A I really felt I could help him when clearly I could not. He chose to drink and use his entire adult life. His relationship with me was no different, he chose to go on doing it, he may have had dreams but he put them aside to drink and use. He blamed me for not getting to his dreams but it was ultimately his alcohol use that did it.
For some of us there is a thing called survivor guilt. If we survived how come others dont. I had that tremendously with my sisters who are both alcoholics. These days I am willing to see they both have resources and choose not to access them. I have been in spaces in my life where I was homeless I accessed resources then. There are always resources although we might not want to know them.
Thank you all for replying to me. You've no idea how helpful it is just to have what I think is right re inforced by others. Maybe it IS survivor guilt I'm feeling. She knows what I went through. Why can't she see and take the help thats offered??? You're right I have to look hard at boundary issues and dealing with things one at a time. With my husband I didn't understand what the problems were. I learned my program through the chaos. I was so angry with him through it I looked at all the destruction and was in dispair. I was too insane myself to see what to do. This is different somehow. It is painful watching you someone you love suffer needlessly. I have the programs knowledge but all I can do is pray she doesn't have to lose too much before she gets help. It all seems so simple when you know the answer is obviously to go to meetings and listen. Of course its not obvious to her and she has to find her own way there. As things progress I will be back here I think. Its going to get worse before it gets better isn't it. Please keep her in your prayers. She's such a lovely person really. She would be heartbroken if she could see what I see. Thank you again mon
