The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In my desparation to ground myself and stop obsessing about everything I think my AH is doing wrong, I decided to read some of the materials on about.com found here:
I've only managed to get to Part 6 - Why Do They Stay, but so much of this stuff I can relate to on some level.
My AH is not physically abusive. But the more I think of it, he has his ways of being emotionally abusive to me. It's not a frequent occurance, but in the past, if we've fought (which thankfully wasn't often), he could say the meanest, most heart-rending things to me. And I'd just be left sitting there like a mumbling idiot without anything to say in return. He would strike hard and fast with his words alone.
I mean... really, when I think about it, my AH HAS to be abusive to some point. I think, perhaps, all are. How else can they maintain control of us enabling, co-dependent types? And again, abuse does not only mean black eyes, but definitely our souls and hearts can be battered beyond recognition by them.
In any case, when I got to Part 6, and I was reading through the personality types... one thing really, REALLY stood out to me:
No Boundaries -- They have trouble setting personal boundaries, standing up for themselves. They have a problem saying "no." They may try to set boundaries, but then feel guilty and allow those lines to be crossed, which usually causes more problems in the relationship than never having set the boundary in the first place.
Oh crap that describes me to a "T".
I really DO have a problem saying "no" to people. I never learned how to stick up for myself very effectively (thus why my AH can verbally thrash me so thoroughly, too).
I think I mentioned here before that as a kid, I was picked on. I was quiet, shy, overweight - all those things that made a perfect target for bullies. I was always so scared to stick up for myself, because if I showed any anger they'd just tease me - or I was even afraid of physical harm. So I'd just take their abuse, and then, if one of them wanted something from me, I'd never tell them "no" because I'd always hope maybe they'd like me if I was agreeable. Saying "no" to them would just make them mad at me and the bullying would start all over again.
Jeez. I need to learn how to stick up for myself.
I just don't even know where to start - because it'll NEVER be easy doing that. Ever. Because it means either disappointing people or making them mad.
Okay, okay... I'll give myself some credit. I DO stick up for myself at the office. When I have too much work to do, I will not hesitate to tell someone "no" if they ask me to do something more for them. I'll also not hesitate to express my opinion on something if I'm firm in it. But I guess that's easier to do... my profession demands that of me or I'd find myself up a creek without a paddle (and possibly without a job!)
But how... oh lord HOW do I apply this to my husband? Because I'm up a creek without a paddle with him when it comes to setting and STICKING to boundaries.
Aloha - boundaries are an issue for so many of us. It wasn't till I hit my 40's that it became easier for me to stand up for myself. I had the "like me! like me!" thing going on real bad. And I think it's normal for people to want other people to like them - the problem obviously comes in when we lose ourselves in order to please others. The heights and depths that we reach in the name of pleasing someone else so that they will like us.
And I don't believe that began when we met our A for the first time. Like you, I had "like me!" problems going WAY back. Some were inborn (some of my first memories were of this), and some were made or certainly aggravated by events like JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL. The breeding ground of low self-worth for so many.
I especially liked this, "And again, abuse does not only mean black eyes, but definitely our souls and hearts can be battered beyond recognition by them." That was eye-opening for me to read. I was never abused by my A, but wow emotionally I was ripped apart. I never looked at it that way. And the emotional manipulation was especially brutal. He played me like a violin. But I signed up for it.
I read some of what you said. I am divorced from a man who really wasn't physically abusive but battered me emotionally a lot! I am going through a memory time where things are flooding back. He seems to be on my mind some lately. Now I am married to a man who doesn't really abuse me at all. I am so grateful for that! He is sober now & that makes me feel even more grateful! Life is so much better in recovery & I am still going to meetings after 22 years whether the alcoholic in my life is sober or not! Thank God for Al-anon!
Boundaries do get easier. I know I had none as a child. For the past year or so I just think boundary boundary day and night. I no longer take on what isn't mine to take on. I am so grateful to have a chance to be boundaried. Eventualy they do get easier. I know I have had to allow a lot of time to be awkward with them. I am awkward with them but I do better. At work I am much better at saying I will have to get back to you. I still want to be loved and liked by everyone but I can own that now.
For me its so key to identify what my needs are, what do I need to take care of me today. I am so often simply overwhelmed by that I cannot take care of myself. Than I start doing it and there is some momentum there.
This recovery thing is never ever gonna be perfect. We do the best with what we have at the time and celebrate it. Sometimes we make it and sometimes we get made. Boundaries isn't like hiring a full time security company to protect our interests and egos/pride and everything else. Even workable boundaries get jumped from time to time by all kinds of people many of whom don't know who we are or what we are about or the mission that we are on. I get had and what makes that no big thing is 1. I am not as hypevigilant as I once was coming into the program. 2. I don't take people, places and things as personal as I use to. 3. One of my sponsors and my counselor taught me about "grace giving" and acceptance of life on life's terms. 4. My Higher Power has taught me to love like my Higher Power loves me...unconditionally with the willingness to pass on old reactions when the enemy crosses my boundaries. I had to start somewhere to arrive where I am at now and in between it was practice, practice, practice. After a while I've learned to present myself in such a manner that gains respect without the early recovery protocol. It gets easier and more automatice with practice.
I must admit that sometimes it feels less stressful to me just to let some of the boundaries go for a while and give to the A when I know on another level that it is probably not the "right" thing to do. Anyone else ever feel like that?
