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Post Info TOPIC: Moral, immoral or just plain apathetic?


Senior Member

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Moral, immoral or just plain apathetic?


Some time ago I admitted to myself and my Sponsor whilst taking my searching and moral inventory of myself that I did not always tell the truth and this has really been pressing on my conscience ever since I admitted this.

Down the years my birthday, Christmas, Mother's Days, Get Well times have never been marked or celebrated by my family toward me.  Certainly during the twenty five years of marriage I think I was only taken out for dinner twice, and that was before I had my children, and I have three presents that I treasure - nothing much but which mean the world to me - two of which were from my children and one of which was from the A and the children.

I have a handful of cards that mark my birthday and mother's day that the children made when they were at school that I would not part with.

However, since my divorce some nineteen/twenty years ago, I have one get well card from (1995) when I had major life threatening surgery and recieved a bunch of tulips from my daughter.

Here is where my dishonesty comes in.  Embarrassed and sadden after 1995, I have sent myself flowers, cards and gifts for my birthday, christmas and mother's day and told others that they have come from my children.

I know this might sound crazy.  I am not a materialistic person, but it is the sentiments and the feeling and showing of love and the outward sign to show that I matter or am thought of that has prompted this.  Socially and commercially these are big ocassions in today's society.

Year after year I live in hope that I will be thought about and someone will send me a card, or even pick up the phone to acknowledge I matter to them at the very least that they have spared a thought for me, whatever.

This is so hard to write down, because it is a heart thing, a thought thing, a 'I love you and thank you ' thing, or a 'just to let you know I care thing', and it breaks my heart when yet another of those ocassions go by and nothing happens.

So, in my desparation - 'cos I know I sound desparate - I have sent flowers to myself (when I was working and could afford them) and sent cards to myself, and pretended they have come from my father or my sister, or my children.  Mostly, I pretend that they come from my children.  But they haven't and this is what makes me feel that I am such a dreadful mother.  That I have failed as a daughter, as a sister.

I have put a little present under the Christmas tree so that I have something to open on Christmas Day pretending my son has bought this for me.

I have not yet pretended that my grandchildren have sent me a token or card, but I really don't want this to go on.  I do not want to live the lie.  I do not want to acknowledge to myself that none of them care, and so I hibernate and deny that these 'special days' exist any more and I do not even acknowledge my birthday any more.

I still celebrate and honour my family's special days and always take care to, at the very least, text them on the day to let them know I have thought about them and to check up that they have received the parcels I have sent, even though they do not acknowledge the receipt.  My daughter has never ever got the children to say thank you, which I find very hurtful. 

I cannot stop myself and I love them; and I am very well aware of the parties, dinners out, days out, presents and the likes that they all do and give to each other, 'cos when I have got in touch on their special days they have told me what they are doing to celebrate or what they have received from each other.

So why do they not do this for me.  Why am I not thought about?  Why am I not even worth a text or a phone call, on my special day at the very least?  Was I so dreadful a mother, am I so dreadful a grand-parent?  Do they even care or love me?

I have to admit that I have even sent myself Get Well cards and flowers to the hospital to cheer myself on the road to recovery and I have had a lot of sugery. 

Because everyone lives so far away I knew I would not get a visit, which has been hard at times, however instead I have made it my thing to go 'visit' others in hospital who have no family or visitors when I have been allowed out of bed - and because I have been on the same ward on a number of ocassions in the past, the nurses have even come with prayer requests and asked me to sit with some of the dying in their last hours to comfort and pray with them when there has been no family and no chaplain available.  And this I do, regardless and inspite of the lonely emptiness that I feel.

So, there you have it; I am either totally lacking in moral fibre and live a life ofimmorality or I am totally apathetic.

Why should these stupid little things, make me feel so sad, so unthought about, so neglected.  I celebrate and honour everyone's else's special day because I care and love and want to show/give them my love.

I have never done anything to get something back, I am just saying that it is a hard thing to accept that it would appear that no one cares or has thought about me.

I know alot of this with my children is because their father was away at sea and so no-one was there to prompt them that it mum's birthday, and when he was at home he never acknowledged it and whilst I did the Christmas stuff for everyone and the birthday stuff for everyone, they never saw anyone do it for me.  So, I guess they weren't prompted or taught that mum deserved anything.

Guess, I am feeling very sorry for myself, and pathetic.  And in the end what does it matter, it is all hyped up in a materialistic society.  I cannot take anything with me, so material things don't matter.  But the love, the thought and the caring DOES MATTER.

Thank you for letting me VENT BIG TIME.  Please forgive me for being/or sounding so pathetic.  I cannot pretend any longer and I cannot pretend to be 'Hopefulheart' today, 'cos I just feel so sad.

cry.gif




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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund



Senior Member

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((((((HB))))))) Thank you for that share. It must have been difficult to put that out there. Nothing hurts worse than being overlooked or ignored on a special day in our lives. You wouldn't be human if you weren't sad about that. What I've come to know is that how people treat us has MUCH more to do with them than it does with us. It's their character that is reflected in their actions or inactions. Think about it. Do you always treat others the way they DESERVE to be treated? Likely you treat them MUCH better than they deserve (and from your posts, I know this to be true). Not because they deserve this generous treatment, but because you are a generous person. Your spirit shines.

I've lived the life of the single mom for 15 years. Fortunately me ex-husband was good about buying the gifts and sending the flowers (with a card from our son). That was nice. But I still sympathize with you about wanting to be remembered and made to feel like you matter. ("Mattering" has been one of my key issues.) So while I got the gifts and flowers - what was important to me was the "remembering" part, and the hugs, and the phone calls. The time. That is what is important to me. And it hurts when it doesn't happen.

I know the sadness you must have felt when you sent yourself those things, but I think the fact that you did that shows that you were important to you. All is not lost in our lives when we are important to ourselves. For Valentines Day this year, I picked flowers from my yard and put them in a vase and put them on my desk at the office. Because I was celebrating the day with myself. Everyone knew it - and that was just fine with me. My choice was no flowers or flowers from myself. I chose the latter and it felt good.

Remember, we've got to "plant our own garden, and decorate our own soul", because if we wait for someone to come along and do it for us (children, spouses, friends), then we're likely to be very disappointed.

Thank you so much for your post, HB. You are a very loving person - and it shows. I'm so blessed that you are part of this board.

~R3

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Senior Member

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easterpic.gif

Heartbroken, First off The only holiday I can think of is Easter so heres one you don't have to send yourself.

Anybody that works the program has gone through what you are going through.

IT IS CALLED STEP SIX. You are sqaurely in the middle of "BECOMING WILLING" It can only be called step six AFTER you've done a fourth and fifth step. these reveal character defects. IT IS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT to see that some articles in your housecleaning need thrown out. :)

I haven't boned up on 6 or 7 in the Alanon Program for a while but I like paths to progress for real step work. Browse this if you have a copy. I have to go to work now or I'd do it myself and say something intelligent but for now, you'll have to takes just the card.

al379-01.jpg

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Senior Member

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Posts: 446
Date:

R3 - first off, yes it was really hard to put this out there, for all sorts of reasons. The two main reasons being, admitting my dishonesty to others, and the pathetic nature of needing to affirm that I MATTER.

Truly dear one, thank you ((((R3)))) for your generosity of spirit, and for understanding. I often think that no-one will understand me and I am proved so wrong when it comes to this family, time and time again 'cos you do understand.

Tuggboat - you made me cry tears of love and joy when I saw the cute Easter Bunny that you had taken time to find and post for me. You are a dear one and I am so grateful for your care.

This will pass over...Mother's Day is so hard for me, 'cos I have not got a mother I can indulge and I am not indulged and so it makes me feel a little like I do NOT matter any more. I know, I will get over this, for now though I am feeling a bit low. And my way of coping in the past has been to sleep.gif through it. I just don't want to do that again. I have to change something. ME



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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 4578
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You know I think I absolutely did this the last two Christmases I was with the A. He always always abandoned me at Christmas so in a huge last ditch effort I went out and went overboard with food and stuff for Christmas. He still of course abandoned me.  I think it was my way of dealing with being abandoned.

The issue is that I can talk about it now.  I no longer ache with it.  Last Christmas was very hard but it was one time I took care of me and gave up on the notion of making someone be there for me.  I felt lonely but I felt taken care of.  I am already thinking of ways to deal with next Christmas 2008 and I want to be in a different space then. I hope I can negotiate forward.

Denial is an enormous thing to work through I am so impressed you can speak about this.

Maresie.

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maresie


Senior Member

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Posts: 446
Date:

((((((Maresie))))))))

You know I had not thought about it as denial. Now that is something to conjure with. I speak about it now because I am learning to speak out and let go of all the things that I have been too scared to talk about before as I did not have a safe place or an understanding 'family' to talk with.

This is the beauty and the blessing of this family. And the amazing thing is that I am still accepted and loved even though I am faulty.

Thank you, Maresie, for honouring the risk that I took and for showing me an positive aspect in admitting my negative issue.

with love,
heart.gif

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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund

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