The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It seems no amount of Al-anon meetings and trying to be an understanding self-supportive person is doing me much good today.
Everything my AH is doing today just TICKS me off. I'm finding everything wrong with him, it seems.
He comes home from work late now that he got his moped today.
He gets all sullen when all I said is "I'm going to the Al-anon meeting tonight," which he's apparantly taken that as a hidden cue that says "...and I expect you to attend the AA meeting there too."
We're driving back towards home after the meetings "I need to stop at K-mart to look for a desk." No, "would you mind if we stopped at K-mart so I can look for a desk?"
Can't find desk at K-mart, have to go to Wal-Mart instead. Fine - I turn it into an opportunity to pick up a couple things I wanted to get.
We get home, his new desk box is packed in the back of the car. His backpack is in the back seat on the floor, I only had room to put the bag of stuff I bought on top of his pack plus my light jacket. He needs his backpack, he just goes in front of me and rips it out of the back of the car instead of handing my stuff to me so all the stuff falls out of the shopping bag. He just goes and stands at the back of the car looking all impatient waiting for me to pick up the spill.
Now he's back on his computer... Oh how I HATE his time he spends on the computer because that just represents his little sneaky bi-sexual playground. I keep thinking... "oh, is he closing windows quickly any time I approach?" "Has he created a new secret email account so he can go back to his disgusting sex fantasies?" "Is he going to actually hook up with one of these men now?"
I hate this. I hate feeling like this. I want to pull my hair out! I feel like I'm just living with a wierd roommate instead of a spouse. Maybe I SHOULD think of him that way so I can detach myself from the hurtful things he does.
I'm going to need my HP's strength. Ooooh I'm going to need it. Tonight and many, many more nights now that he's got his complete freedom again to move around town as he pleases.
Any strength... ANY at all... I need it so bad tonight. I do.
I was told once that Hate is love without the answers. The answers to what? Well the answers to all the why's I was asking myself. Let's go back to square one.
You have a very very sick person who has the disease of Alcoholism. He has a lot of internal shame and anger over losing his license, alcoholism, Bi fantasies and his role and ability as a man and spouse. With this in mind, I have often derived some inner comfort for me by realizing what spills out on me is really everything he's feeling about himself. Every accusatory glance finger or remark they really have been pointing at themselves. The pain is too great, the truth to much to bear and it spills over. Often (not that often :) lol ) an A's striking out makes me feel pity and understanding.
At times like these I lean heavily on prayer, The serenity prayer is a mainstay, Prayers for perseverance and for me to handle abuse with grace and dignity are right up there too. I pray that I might bear witness to others of God's power by acting in a Godly manner even under duress. I pray to see the good for I am inclined to see the negative.
I draw fire from many people. My character under fire is more important than there being no fire directed at me. Its controversial but martyrdom and the ability to handle crap well is part of my God of my understanding of choice. This is a mainstay of his will for us on Earth. Only through him may I endure with dignity and grace. Where many go wrong is they say or seem to say by projection,"Look at me, all I endure." I instead try in these times to project through humilty, "Look at the power of God. Since God is my strength, he should get the credit. Sometimes even a glance to the sky in gratitude for the strength lets others know from where my strenght comes from.
Continue to pray for that person like the sick individual they are. I think its allright to tell a person that makes me do things like pick up his mess that you will pray for them. In fact it was an old standby, when someone offended me to threaten them with prayer. :) I never liked it but it was my sponsors direction. :) If you don't like it that makes two of us :) My sponsor would look at a person real mean like and out of his mouth would come something like, "If you don't watch it buddy, I'm going to get even with you, I'm going to pray for you"
In one of the last communications I had with my ex I said "I will continue to pray for you. But not alot because I have much more important people to pray for...myself being one of them." Kind of snotty but absolutly true. Since then, I have lost all compassion for him and no longer pray for him. Best I get out is "love and blessings" when I start thinking really nasty thoughts about him. I am not there yet.
I think if you think he is doing such and such then he might as well be. Trust is something I always over looked. My ex would say "trust me" and I would say "ok". Most times he wouldn't even say it and I would anyway to the detrament of myself and my well being. The 3rd STD I picked up from being in a completly monogomous relationshipwas a tip off that maybe I shouldn't just trust. There is a big difference between turning a blind eye to what is real and detatchment. Detatchment is meant for me to protect myself in all ways. That doesn't mean I keep putting myself in situations where I get hurt because I am "detatched" from what HE is doing or not doing.
Just be careful. His behavior is dangerous and you do not have to pay the price for that. Keep working your program. It gets clearer the longer we are here.
So what'd you buy? Anything nice? Trouble with Walmart shopping is that it's hard to buy something that really fills that "great new stuff" niche - but even at Walmart, there's always the possibillity of chocolate.
When I am in over react mode I am willing these days to say it. I had a bad day Friday, woke up late, flustered, got to work 20 minutes late. Felt out of it all day. Are you allowed to have a bad day? I can get on the treadmill of shoulda coulda woulda. When I feel in super super react mode to those around me I sometimes have to back off.When I want someone to do something for me so much I am in react mode I am off somewhere.
I really have to work on taking care of me. What would that be for you?
I know the A's can really get under our skin. What is it to have boundaries. Pia Melody talks about having internal as well as external boundaries. I am working the steps with a new sponsor and so want to be ms perfect sponsee and work a step a day and love bomb her with how "wiling" I am. How real can I be. These days I am absolutely exhausted most of the time, dealing with a kidney disease which I am probably going to go back to the doctor with, poor, isolated and alone. How can I take care of myself in that. What nutures you? What makes you feel better. For me its often watching a movie, eating better, being organized.
I made the A the absolute center of my life. I made fixing him an ultimatum. His Uncle and this room really helped me to see I had to let the A get out of the mess he created for himself. His Uncle would say over and over He is digging a hole he cannot get out of.
For me when I am in hyper react mode I am digging a hole I cannot get out. I am making myself ill with not admitting I am powerless over others. I am trying to get them to see "me" when they can't (it isn't personal to me) I am giving all my power to those around me. Taking back my power hurts, I crave to be taken care of and nutured in ways that did not happen as a child. That isn't going to happen I am an adult now. I have to take care of me, no one else does. I have to take care of me because if I don't I will end up ill and I know where that leads. I have to take care of me because I need to learn to love me. The A cared fo rme sure but he was lost to his addiction. I do not have to take his addiction as a personal affront to me, it was there long long before I got there. My low self esteem and inabilty to care for myself were also there long before the A came along. Crashing and burning and surrendering to his addiction has brought me to the place where I can care for me. For me it took that length to get to here, homeless and penniless and totally spirtually bankrupt but I got here and I did surrender.
was a tip off that maybe I shouldn't just trust. There is a big difference between turning a blind eye to what is real and detatchment. Detatchment is meant for me to protect myself in all ways. That doesn't mean I keep putting myself in situations where I get hurt because I am "detatched" from what HE is doing or not doing. 