The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One of my weekly chores, is to fill the pill boxes for myself, my AH and my Mother in law. My AH is afraid to take his pills on days when he drinks. Before I started Al Anon, I was very controlling and would nag him about taking his pills every day because that way I would know he wasn't drinking.
After a few weeks of my program, I realized with the help of my HP that this was controlling, and so I told him that from that day forward, I was not going to care if he took his pills or not, I would just fill the pill box each week, and if he chose not to take them that was his business, it's his health after all.
Well, fast forward to now. I find myself checking the pill box each day to see if he has taken his pills. I tell myself that I'm doing this so I can prepare for what I am in for, the "drinking" AH or the "sober" AH. Am I still being controlling?
I would appreciate your ESH here.
Thanks,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
I think you're not controlling, if you are doing this out of concern for another human being, which it looks like to me. Your second paragraph says that to me, you filled those pill boxes and left it to him to choose to take them knowing that that was his health issue.
The fast forward says, TO ME, that you have just experienced a blip in your 'change me' bit. You know the bit of that prayer that says,
'...accept the things I cannot change [HIM - his choice to take the pills or not],
the courage to change the things I can [YOU - you fill the pill box for him because you care and don't do it because you what to check up on the drinking/sober thing]
So, I think you just need to pray that prayer some more to get yourself back on track.
I find this a beautiful thing that you managed to do in the early weeks of your programme and Know that you will manage to do that again because you are working your programme and focusing on the changing YOU and controlling HIM.
Praying for strength to return to you to continue your healthy way of living.
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
Well my AH would drink regardless if he took his pills or not. I do check to see if he has taken his pills, because when he misses a dose, it's not good for him. I can tell when he misses a dose. So to me, that's just trying to keep him on an even keel. Frankly, it also makes my life a lot easier when he does take his pills. After so many set backs with his pills, it's important for me (as well as him) to stay vigilant about it.
Now as to his drinking, I can tell whether or not he has been drinking. I'm guessing you can too. Do you really need to check his pills in order to tell if he's been drinking? Or is it just reassuring to you on the days he does take his pills that he won't drink? I don't think it's a control issue. I think it's a comforting fact to know that he hasn't been drinking. Can't blame you there for wanting to feel that way. Remember: an addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do, sober or not. There's nothing you can do about it. Keep taking care of you. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Do YOU think it's controlling behavior? I think that's all you need to ask yourself. You said in your second paragraph that you thought it was controlling behavior. I don't see it so much as "controlling him" behavior, as much as "controlling my situation" behavior. If you need to check the pill box to see what kind of day you're in for....then the focus is probably not on you. Right?
How do you feel when you are doing this? Does it help you to get to that calm, clear feeling we call serenity? If not (and this is my guess, given that you felt the need to ask about it) then stop - it's not doing you any good.
I used to do a lot of this kind of thing - preparing, I called it to myself. "I just want to know what he is up to so I can be prepared". But, really, being prepared didn't make it any better - all it did was add to my stress. When the bad thing actually happened, me being 'prepared' didn't save me one bit of unhappiness.
I only started getting better when I stopped paying so much attention to what he did, and focused on what *I* did. My main focus needs to be on what I do, and my secondary on what other people do "to" me - how they treat me. The otther things they are doing, when out of my sight and not influencing me, are not really much of my business.
gosh that walking on eggshells stuff. That can make me frankly quite ill. I find it so so difficult to negotiate the how do I take care of you stuff. I give myself completely over to taking care of another. I have to really really work on boundaries. The A I was with eventually got ill. He took a lot of pills. I made a huge effort not to be that involved with his care. Last summer when he was ill and homeless I felt for him probably too much because I foot the bill for everything and forgot about myself in there. I think I have to work super overtime to not make someone the purpose for my life. I have to make me the purpose. I have to make it that I come first and they come after. For me that is a tremendous challenge.
Thanks for your input. I guess I do get a litle angry when I look and see that he hasn't taken his pills. Although I don't mention it to him, he may detect a little different attitude from me in my body language. This part of it I don't think is very good for my recovery. I've felt that I really needed to give this over to HP. I am, however concerned with his health.
While I would rather he took his pills every day, drinking or not, I realize that I am not doing myself any good by obsessing about whether or not he has taken his pills. So I will continue to fill all of our boxes each week. In his case, I will fill only the empty days. I guess I could look at it as though we are actually saving money because I will only have to fill his prescriptions every other month, because the pills will last twice as long. LOL.
I appreciate each and every one of you and the input you have given.
Love and Blessings,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
Interesting question. After reading I found myself asking myself, "Is she being controlling or is she being controlled?" Putting myself in your situation I could just feel that pill box calling to me. "Open me up...look and see." I got that strange feeling just under my rib cage that made me feel like there was a big hook in me...reeling me in. When I get that feeling I know my energy is being drawn to someone or something outside of myself. Having been there so many times in my life and now trying to watch how I work my program the first response I have is to turn away from that pill box and go get busy at something which will occupy my mind. I think you did your part when you filled the pill box. Boundaries tell me that the rest is up to him until you take your responsiblity to refill the box again. Blessings.....keep it simple....how important is it?
