The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The company I work for is a member of an association. I serve on the committee of this association and there are events I am supposed to attend. One of them is an upcoming gala. I asked my boss for a check for a ticket to attend. He asked me to take a male colleague who is an A. I declined and I suggested taking a female colleague. My boss declined. I know the company is paying for the ticket(s); however, is it crossing the line for my boss to dictate who I can take as a date? It felt inappropriate to me for him to suggest taking a male colleague. I also would like to mention that my boss is always handing out projects for this same male colleague and I to sit down and work on. I'm talking about a simple project, like a flyer. I feel like I am being coerced into something. Am I making a molehill into a mountain about this?
All things being equal, I would have said since the company is paying for the tickets, go with the guy. But under the circumstances why should you be forced to have an active A for a date? I understand how you feel. Can you be honest with the boss about why you don't want to go with the A? It's a sticky problem. Is the boss crossing the line? Probably not. His request may have seemed inappropriate, but he is the boss. How about going alone. Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
My boss is an A also, so the two of them are very tight. I will be going alone. I just sense a hidden agenda with them. I could be wrong, but my gut is going off big time.
Is it coersion? Does it feel like coersion? Can you make your own decisions without the threat of negative consequences? Can you say NO as a complete sentence? You can as these questions outright if you have the moxie and tact. You can ask more and ask for honesty in return because "I just have to know in order to make the right decision for me" is a great self esteem statement.
If it feels like a P/C event (power and control) say it out loud and listen for an honest response.
In time I came to understand that "they" were just as human as "me".
Are you going to this gala as part of your job, or as an "extra"? If attending is part of your job, then you just go with the colleague assigned to you, just as you would for any other fieldwork. However, if this is presented as a little reward, or in some other way not really work related, then it's different.
If you're not sure whether it's your job or not, imagine what would be said if you told them you couldn't go. If the answer would be "Too bad, we'll miss you", then you are under no obligation to attend with this person. If the answer would be "Find a way to make it." then it's work. He is not your date, he is a fellow representative of your company. In your own best interests, it would be better to make this clear to him, and not accept any 'date' behaviour - find your own way there and home, for example.
I have a real hard time with ambiguity at work. Unless i have to go to something I don't go. I think it is such huge boundary work to go with someone who you have difficulty with. At the same time the boss can dictate who you go with. If you have to go put in some parameters regarding time and contact. I don't think you are making a mountain out of a molehill. I was ms super people pleaser for years. Now I really boundary boundary boundary everything in time I will not be so strict but I am now!
